256 – Jahmeer Reynolds of El Sobrante, CA Father of Five Including Two With Autism & ED Of Marin County Cooperation Team

Transcript:

Tom Couch: Special thanks to Horizon Therapeutics for sponsoring the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast, working tirelessly to research, develop, and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics’ mission at HorizonTherapeutics.com.

Jahmeer Reynolds: It was my wife. For her it was Jahmeer, we have to put the structure in place for KJ. It was my wife who pulled me out of the fog and got me to be honest with myself. It was my wife early on said, Hey, let’s wipe those tears away. Let’s pull together for KJ.

Tom Couch: That’s our guest this week, Jahmeer Reynolds, an education leader, youth advocate, and Executive Director of the Marin County Cooperation Team, a black-led multi-service agency that provides services and support to the community. He has five children, including two with autism. We’ll hear Jahmeer’s story and his thoughts on fatherhood and working hand in hand with the community and the police in this Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and our host, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, and thanks for listening to the Dad to Dad Podcast, fathers mentoring fathers of children with special needs, presented by the Special Fathers Network. Please support the 21st Century Dads Foundation by contributing to Dads Honor Ride 2023, which is a 3,100-mile seven-day bicycle ride taking place from June 17th to the 24th, starting in Oceanside, California and ending in Annapolis, Maryland. I’m one of the four riders and would really appreciate your support. Please make a tax-deductible contribution by going to 21stCenturyDads.org.

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children connect with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturyDads.org. Now, let’s hear this fascinating conversation between David Hirsch and Jahmeer Reynolds.

David Hirsch: I am thrilled to be talking today with Jahmeer Reynolds of El Sobronte, California, who’s the Executive Director of the Marin County Cooperation Team and father of five, including two with autism. Jahmeer, thank you for taking the time to do a podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Thank you for having me. Really appreciate it.

David Hirsch: You and your wife Shakira, have been married for 12 years and you are the proud father of five children: Jordan 22, Aiden 18, Scarlet 18, Kalil 11, and Amir 8. The youngest two of your children both have autism. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Jahmeer Reynolds: I grew up in Trenton, New Jersey, in the Miller Homes housing Development. At any given time, it was 15 of us in a three-bedroom house. I really come from an extremely large family within seven square miles which makes up Trenton, New Jersey, which is the capital. I have over 200 relatives. And so we were raised like brothers instead of cousins. And I really enjoyed my time growing up. It was rough in some areas, but it made me into the man I am today.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. The image I had when you were talking about your growing up is it takes a village to raise a child. And it takes a village to raise a lot of kids. That’s what I heard you saying.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Definitely. And it wasn’t just in the home. I had a lot of mentors outside of the home who might not have been doing right themselves, but they also made sure that I did not go down that path. And I’m very appreciative of that.

David Hirsch: That’s terrific. So I’m curious to know, what did your dad do for a living?

Jahmeer Reynolds: My father was a contractor who unfortunately had sickle cell and had to work under the table. His sickle cell caused him to be disabled. But as the man that he was, he believed that he had to go out and make a living, and that was his thing. He wanted to be a NASCAR driver coming up and then potentially play baseball [laughing], but he could literally build a house from the foundation to the roof. And that’s what I admired about him, that a lot of it was self-taught because he had an eighth grade education and so I was just really proud of my dad.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. And I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this to somebody before, but you did mention he wanted to be a NASCAR driver. My dad in his youth, in his twenties, actually raced stock cars in Daytona.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Oh wow.

David Hirsch: And this was pre-NASCAR, right? Cuz my dad, if he was alive today, would probably be, I don’t know, I think he’d be 91. And he got into a bunch of bad accidents in his youth and from that point forward, he only drove like super large cars. Cadillacs, Lincoln Continentals. And he rationalized, if I’m gonna get in an accident I don’t want to get hurt. That was his rationale for having these big cars.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Exactly! [both laughing]

David Hirsch: How would you characterize your relationship with your dad?

Jahmeer Reynolds: For a while it was, again, taking a step back, my father was a teenage father who really didn’t have a father himself, and so he was really doing the best that he could do with what he knew. I knew my father loved me. I actually learned how to cook and clean from my father. He was my superman. I thought he was the coolest guy in the world. All of his friends loved him. He was always neatly groomed and always had something cool to say. But again, he was trying to figure out life just being a kid with a baby. But my relationship with my father, I loved him for who he was, even his shortcomings.

David Hirsch: So my recollection was you were an only child, too. You didn’t have siblings when you were growing up?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yes.

David Hirsch: Okay. Any important takeaways in addition to the cooking and cleaning that you learned from your dad? Some important characteristics or traits?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yeah. My father always told me I was rich if I could turn on the lights and open the refrigerator and there was food. And with that mindset, no matter how hard it got in my life, I’ve always used as one of my core inspirations to pull me out of a dark place. If I could flip this switch and the lights come on and I have food, then I have everything I need to survive and be happy.

David Hirsch: Yeah. That’s really important. Thank you for sharing. I’m thinking about other father influencers and wondering what if any role your grandfather’s played in your life.

Jahmeer Reynolds: My mother’s father lived on the top of the store in Trenton, New Jersey. He was an asphalt worker. He could never say my name right. He would call me Jumar instead of Jahmeer. But he was a hard worker. I would go over there and he would literally be sitting on the edge of his bed with his legs crossed, with a cigarette in his hand, watching black and white movies. And I just loved him. He didn’t say much. And I recently found out that my mother’s father was in a singing group! A gospel singing group which was pretty, pretty cool.

For my father’s father, I had met him only once when I was about six years old in New York. I was able to see him again in 2019 after 30-plus years, and I was elated. Unfortunately, the circumstances I was seeing him under was my father was in his final stages of cancer. And I found my grandfather. My father hadn’t seen my grandfather in over 20 years. And I wanted to make the connection. And so I found my paternal grandfather in a nursing home in Wilmington, North Carolina. And I just sat and talked and stayed. He remembered meeting me one time and it was like we never missed a beat.

David Hirsch: Wow. That’s a pretty powerful story. And after so many years as well. And when you were growing up, did you ever ask your dad about his dad or, why was it such a secret or why wasn’t it, and why wasn’t he involved?

Jahmeer Reynolds: I always knew my grandfather existed. The life that my grandfather was living was not conducive to have a child around. And my father had got exposed to that life early on and he just made up in his mind that my child wasn’t going to be around it. And I remember, and I could say this cuz my father has transitioned. But I remember going to see my father in jail because he was doing something for my grandfather. And we were at the county jail in Trenton, New Jersey. And I went to go see him and I asked him, why can’t you come home? And he said that right there was a motivator to keep him out of jail. And my father had not been to jail since. Went and got a job and like really changed his life.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thank you for your authenticity and your transparency about that. A lot of guys would be embarrassed but it’s just part of your history. This is the stuff that occurred when I was growing up and I think just accepting reality for what it is. And maybe there’s a lesson or two to be learned. Like you said, maybe that was a big motivator…

Jahmeer Reynolds: Um hum.

David Hirsch: …for keeping him out of jail. Just to know that there’s a family member that he cares about and he loves and he wants to do something different.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yep.

David Hirsch: So any other men that played an important role in your life other than your dad and your grandpa’s?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yeah. Three in particular. Thurston Gandy. He was my mother’s partner and he ran track for my high school back in the day. And at seven or eight years old he told my mother, I think your son has a gift. I didn’t pay attention to it. But he actually cultivated that gift that led me to be a national champ, to be a highly recruited athlete. He provided that structure cuz track was his love language and he always loved making this fish called leans. Oh my God. It was good fried, but he used to always talk about getting leans and he drove a tan Cutlass and he introduced me to Blue Magic Donnie Hathaway. He was also a singer and so he really helped me gain a love and appreciation for music, for track, and just being like a family person.

Doughtry Long, who was my high school English teacher, but he’s also the father of Nia Long and the comedian Sommore. He inspired me because I had never met a black man like him who… He was such a motivator to so many people, just the way that he spoke, cuz he did not have to live in Trenton. He chose to be in Trenton and he introduced me to poetry. He asked me something one time that really changed my life and cuz I was angry in high school. He said, Jahmeer, why are you so mad? And that sparked up a conversation and I really loved him for it.

And my high school track coach, Mr. Alfonso Jennings who was also the coach of the most recent Olympic gold medalist, Athing Mu. He saw something in me that no one else saw, and that was seeing through the anger and allowing me to just say, I don’t know it all. He was hard on me. He made us… God, he used to run us to death! But whenever I needed him, if I needed a place to stay, if I needed a meal, whenever we would go to track meets, he always would play the Sounds of Blackness. “Keep your head to the sky…”, the song “Optimistic.” I just really appreciated him.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. Thank God for individuals like Thurston, Doughtry and Alfonso for playing a important role in your life. And you mentioned your track experience a couple times. And I’m wondering, what event or events did you do in track and where did that take you?

Jahmeer Reynolds: So I ran everything from the two-mile to the hundred. But I led the nation in the 800. And I took my gift for granted. I was naturally gifted. I did not have to practice. I would show up to meets, then I wouldn’t show up to them. And I was just talking to a friend of mine’s last night, Jason Edwards, who we won our first national championship together when we were 13, 14 years old.

And he said, Jahmeer, I used to keep clippings, like articles of you. And we were at two different schools in two different parts of New Jersey. And I really as we say, I really fumbled because for me, I was cocky. I was cocky. And I said I don’t need to train. I don’t need to do this. And it was evident in my running. And so I forfeited a lot of my scholarships because I wanted to be like a kid. Like I wanted to have fun and track for me became such a business, even in high school. It was just such a business and I just didn’t want to do it. And I said, you know what? I’m gonna just walk away.

And when I walked away, I don’t know if Al Harrington, Troy Murphy… So basically these gentlemen got drafted out of high school to the NBA. I was up against them for New Jersey Athlete of the year. I was that kind of athlete. But yeah, I just walked away and having a conversation last night had I kept running, I would not have met my wife and I would not have my children and I would not have had a lot of the experiences in my life. So in God’s divine plan, it worked out.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. It does raise a lot of questions. I always think about the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. And I don’t know if that movie comes to mind for you, but you wonder, what if I had done this, what if I had done that? And I’m really pleased to hear you say that even though you might sort of question where you might’ve gone had you pursued that, maybe it wasn’t a professional career. People don’t run professionally, but you might’ve been, you might’ve had a chance to be in the Olympics or something like that, right? You don’t know.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Actually, they do run professional and they make about $80,000 a track meet.

David Hirsch: Oh, wow.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Oh no. It’s a real deal, like career. But again, for me I felt the weight of the world. Everyone expected me when I’m 15, 16 to prepare for the Olympics. And I’m like, I just wanna go to prom. I don’t wanna… [ both laughing]

David Hirsch: Okay. My recollection was that you went to Strayer University, you have a bachelor’s in Business Administration. And then you also have a master’s in Education. And then more recently you have ED in Psychology from California Coastal University. And I’m wondering, once you finished your bachelor’s degree in Business Administration, where was your career pointing you? What were you looking to get into?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Taking a step back, I was a doctoral candidate, Educational Psychology at California Coastal University. I actually took a break to start my company. I’m going to re-enroll in the next couple of months. But when I got my bachelor’s degree, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t. I was working in a group home with adults and children with developmental disabilities, and it was the best job that I ever had. But I knew that I had to keep going because in my family, to my recollection, my grandmother had nine kids. In total, my grandmother’s branch of the family tree is 63 of us.

David Hirsch: Holy cow.

Jahmeer Reynolds: I was the first one to graduate from college. I said, let me take it a step further. So I am actually the first one out of all of my grandmother’s children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, the first one to have a bachelor’s degree, the first one to have a master’s degree. And that inspired my younger cousin, Sierra, who we grew up in the same house. She’s now an attorney, a practicing attorney. So I knew I had eyes on me and I wanted to inspire my younger cousins to go for and be successful.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing and I think that you might not have had any biological siblings. It’s important to recognize that there are other family members that would look up to you, right? Because you’re older than they are. And maybe not just the ones that are younger than you, but others that might have an awareness about what you’re doing. And they might think if he can do that, maybe I can do this. And you are breaking open some doors and creating opportunities for people that might not have thought of themselves of having that skill or that ability, too. So thank you again for sharing.

I’m super excited about the work that you’ve done and I’m wondering if you can share maybe one or two of your career experiences, including the one that took you and Shakira to Abu Dhabi. [Jahmeer laughing] I don’t know too many people who have worked in Abu Dhabi. I know people who have visited Abu Dhabi. [laughing]

Jahmeer Reynolds: I met my wife in 2010 and I told her that I don’t date a woman who does not have a passport. Yes, that was cocky. Oh, my God. [laughing] But again, I tell this story all the time. I didn’t know I was talking to Carmen Sandiego! My wife’s been to Guatemala, Japan, just all over the world. And as we evolved in our dating, she had a friend who was living in the United Arab Emirates and said, Hey Shakira, I think you should come. The UAE, United Arab Emirates, was going through their education reform and they were having interviews in New York. I’m from Jersey. We were living in North Carolina. I said, Hey, let’s take a drive. Let’s go to the interview. Going up there, I said, they’re gonna offer you the job on the spot. Jahmeer, they don’t do that. I said, I’m telling you. She walked out of the interview. She said they offered me the job. I was like, I told you! But then we found out that we were pregnant with our son, Kalil, and so we had to push it back. So she went over there in February. I drove from Raleigh, North Carolina to El Sobronte, California by myself. I got my six-month-old son and took a 17-hour flight to Abu Dhabi. So my wife was a teacher. And while I was there, I was earning my master’s degree as well. And so I kept seeing the need for young African American men who were there with their mothers who were teachers and fathers who needed a place to just be, who needed a mentor.

And I said, why not start a mentoring agency? I had made some great friends over there through various sectors and finance, and I approached each of them and I said, Hey, I wanna start a mentoring program for the young men who are living here. And it was called “I Promise.” Before LeBron James. And I’m saying that on this show so nobody thinks that I stole it. [laughing]

One of our key focal points for the young men was social media habits in a foreign country. And because it is a kingdom, they monitor everything. So you have to have a different type of etiquette. We also looked at hospitality. We had an executive chef work for us, Kester McFee. He would take the young men to an industrial kitchen. It was really a collective thing, but it was really out of a need.

David Hirsch: Yeah. How many years were you actually there in Abu Dhabi?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Five years.

David Hirsch: Wow. Kalil was born here in the US. And then if I’m doing my math correctly, Amir would’ve been born there.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yes, he was. His birth certificate is Arabic. Yes. [laughing]

David Hirsch: So is he a dual citizen or how does that work?

Jahmeer Reynolds: No. In the United Arab Emirates, you are the citizen of whatever nation your father is.

David Hirsch: Oh!

Jahmeer Reynolds: It is a very patriarchal society.

David Hirsch: Anything else you’d like to say about your experience in the UAE?

Jahmeer Reynolds: I miss it. Me and my wife always talk about being homesick. We never locked our doors. We had a community. It allowed Kalil to go to about 16 countries. Amir has been to, I believe, five or 10. On Fridays after Jum’ah, which is church for Muslim brothers and sisters, you would go out and see families in the park. I had never seen anything like that and just the value around family connectedness.

And one example, my wife left her purse in a food court in Mushrif Mall, which is a major mall in Abu Dhabi. We went grocery shopping. We was there for two hours, came back, her purse was still there with everything in it. It was like living in the matrix and me coming back to America, I was really depressed. Yeah.

David Hirsch: Yeah. You don’t know what you don’t know until you’re in a different culture, right? And as much as we have going for us here in the US, and there’s a lot of opportunities here in the US, we have so much to fix or to improve in a lot of different aspects of our culture and our society. So I suspect we’ll get into that a little bit further. I remember you telling me in a prior conversation how you and Shakira met. So why don’t you share that story.

Jahmeer Reynolds: I initially did not want to go out. My frat brother said… And I’m a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Incorporated. He was like, Hey, our fraternity is throwing a function. Let’s go. Man, I don’t want to go. So I finally end up going and they were playing musical chairs and I was winning until the last chair. But all I kept hearing during musical chairs was, go ahead, green sweater, you better do it. And I was like, who is this cheering for me? [laughing] And got down to the last chair. I walked to the side and I start talking to this woman and we’re talking a great time and we just vibing and we separate and I started dancing with someone else. My wife wrote her number down on a name tag and came between me and this woman and gave me her number. [laughing] I stopped dancing with that woman ASAP, and we’ve been joined at the hip ever since.

David Hirsch: Yeah, I love that story. Thank you for sharing.

Tom Couch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents Survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a Great Dad Coin. Thank you. Now, back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: Let’s switch gears and talk about special needs first on a personal level and then perhaps beyond. I think you’d mentioned that one of your work experiences early on was working in a group home with people with developmental disabilities. Besides that, I’m wondering, did you or Shakira have any experience with the special needs community, family-wise or otherwise?

Jahmeer Reynolds: We both did. We both have individuals in our family who might not have been diagnosed, but we knew that there was a development disability that was prevalent. I think for me growing up around a lot of that, we have people in our community who had developmental disabilities and providing a protective barrier on them to try to normalize their life as much as possible helped me.

And then my mother worked at a place called Skillman, which is in New Jersey, with adults with developmental disabilities. And I would watch how she would interact with them. And she just loved on them. And all provided great structure. And so early on I was able to cultivate those relationships by letting them know that I see you, that I respect you, that I’m gonna do everything in my power to make sure that you are successful, but also providing boundaries.

Because what I’ve learned is even those who have developmental disabilities, they will find a way to finesse you outta something. I’m telling you, they will take advantage of you, man. If you don’t… They know better, right? So I’ve been got, one or two times in my life. But I knew that I could work in that field prior to me getting in it. And once I got in it, I can honestly say, and my wife will tell you this, it is the best job that I ever had.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. What is Kalil’s diagnosis and how did it come about?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Kalil has been diagnosed with autism, mild. He was born… When my wife was holding him, she noticed hey, he’s really yellow. And we chalked it up to jaundice and he had to stay a week in the NICU. But he was progressing normally until one day my wife was like, Jahmeer, I think, Kalil may be on the spectrum. I was like, no. And I’m gonna say this, I was so cocky that I was like, no, not my son. Nah. He’s going to be all right. And when we start noticing he didn’t have any spatial awareness, the eye contact… When he was younger, his expressive and receptive language. I felt like I failed, cuz we got him diagnosed and living in Abu Dhabi at the time, they didn’t have any special services.

We went to a place called “Stars for Special Abilities,” and we were paying close to $400 I believe for a 30-minute session. They were just not equipped for having a child, in my opinion, with autism because we could not get an official diagnosis until we got back here. And so while we were over there, we were doing everything that we could to support him.

It was hard, man. And I look at old videos and I can see like the transition cuz I remember him being two or three, we’re running with the soccer ball and I’m training them on a soccer field in Abu Dhabi. And then slowly but surely, his gaze… And he started stimming and things like that.

David Hirsch: Thanks for sharing. If I can paraphrase what you’ve said, it evolved over a longer period of time. You were out of the country, outside the US. So the level of diagnosis and services wouldn’t be at the same level in most places. I think what I heard you say was that you were in denial.

Jahmeer Reynolds: I was.

David Hirsch: Yeah, you can only look back and verify or determine that. And I think that’s one of the biggest things that we’ve come across with the Special Fathers Network is that if you don’t have role models, if you don’t have other guys around you to lean in or lean up against for that matter, most of us guys, and I know I’m a victim of this as well, I said at least a hundred times as our kids were growing up, if there was a delay or something. Let’s just cross that bridge when we get there. Let’s not pre-worry our worries. I must have said that a hundred times. Oftentimes the bridge never comes to pass.

But I think as it relates to developmental milestones for your kids, my enhanced understanding today is that do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Err on the side of engaging and not being in denial. Because a week leads to a month. A month leads to a year. A year could lead to years and years. The earlier that you can seek out those services oftentimes the much better it would be to put your child on a different trajectory. So anyway, I just wanna say thank you for being open and transparent about that.

So once you got the diagnosis, I’m wondering what type of fears did you have in coming to grips with this autism diagnosis for Kalil?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Him being bullied. Him being mistreated because his speech was delayed. Really terrified about moving back to America. Not all places have great educational systems. Not all states have great programs for those who may be on the spectrum or have the other developmental disabilities. And the regular fears of a father with a black child growing up.

And Kalil is pretty big for his age. Pretty tall. And just thinking of Tamir Rice. And Tamir Rice was later on, but really just thinking in retrospect, that’s what I was scared of, too. Because you’ve heard so many stories of police or law enforcement not knowing how to engage individuals with developmental disabilities. And then you tack on it being a black child who may be large for his size, that exacerbates the situation. So those were a lot of the fears.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. Those are real. And was there some advice that you got early on that might have helped you put this diagnosis in perspective, that gave you some hope or some insights for that matter?

Jahmeer Reynolds: It was my wife. My wife was a teacher for 19 years. For her it was Jahmeer, we have to put the structure in place for Kalil or KJ to be successful. It was my wife who pulled me out of the fog and got me to be honest with myself. Again, I worked in the field. So I believe in some ways that God was preparing me to have children with these types of needs, and I loved it so much that He thought I could handle it. And so it was my wife early on said, Hey, let’s wipe those tears away and let’s pull together for KJ and now, God, he is so mean in the morning. Yeah. But… [laughing]

David Hirsch: I don’t wanna focus on the negative, but what have been some of the biggest challenges?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Really systems. Really implementing systems, implementing structure, trying to find out what they like, normalizing their world as much as possible. And this is why I’m so grateful for the Sausalito Marin City School District, because during the pandemic my son was virtual in another school district. And because I worked across the bridge, he was able to come. And that was the best thing that ever happened to him because he was in a full-inclusion class and he got his first group of friends. He now goes to muay thai/kickboxing, cleans up his room, washes his face, and brushes his teeth.

And a lot of parents take that for granted. Like this morning, he was giving me a rough time. He’s not a morning person, just like his mom, but once he gets outta bed, he grabs his basket, he goes in the bathroom, brushes his teeth, and washes his face. And I step back and I was like, man, I’m so proud of you. And even though he was mean, he had a big smile on his face because he loves making his parents proud. And so I just feel those were some of the obstacles. But he’s working through ’em and I’m so happy.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. Very powerful. And not everybody has that school district like you mentioned, the Sausalito School District, that has the resources. And I think most students, not all and I’m not trying to be judgemental for those that have a difference of opinion. Most students benefit from being mainstreamed.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Um hum.

David Hirsch: The individuals with the different abilities and the typical kids for that matter. It’s really important that they develop on both sides an understanding about people’s differences. And trying to be inclusive and involved as opposed to separating people and putting them in boxes. Anyway, I’m just thrilled for you.

Lightning strikes again. You have a second child, Amir. And I’m wondering how did his diagnosis come about?

Jahmeer Reynolds: We were just being careful. So again, both Kalil and Amir were born with very high bilirubin levels. And being over there in the UAE we looked at the data. We was like, more than likely, especially in African American boys, they are more likely to have autism if a sibling has it, as opposed to if it’s a little girl.

And so we was just watching and we really didn’t see it at first because he wasn’t in school. He was just a baby. He didn’t show any other signs. But we’ve noticed that the walking and the speech milestones were delayed and we were like, okay, when he is old enough, we’re going to get him tested. We tried to do the regular daycare, but he kept escaping. He started out as an eloper.

David Hirsch: A runner? When you say eloper?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yep. A runner. [laughing] Yeah. Like his dad.

David Hirsch: You mentioned you were a runner! I get it now. Yeah. He’s following in his dad’s footsteps.

Jahmeer Reynolds: And so what we’ve learned with Amir is that we are trying to unlock the knowledge that is in his head. Amir is eight and he’s been reading since he’s been two. And he’s a selective mute. He can talk. He just chooses not to. And for the longest time, he would say a few words, but he would rage because we couldn’t understand him. And so he would use a talker and once he saw that he could get what he wanted from the talker, then that really was like, I don’t need to talk. And once we took it away it was really difficult, but you could see his mind working on what he wanted to say. But he can read. But it was just formulating speech and he wasn’t connecting the two. Even to this day, like he loves peanut butter and jelly. So he would say it really fast: “peanut-butter-jelly-sandwich.” And we would say “turtle talk,” slow it down. And now he is talking up a storm. But again he still stims, the spatial awareness, the eye contact, the social cues… But I’m happy to report he is in a special needs class. His teacher and their aids have been reporting that they have been seeing a maturity level in him these past couple of weeks. And I love it.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. What I hear you saying is that his autism is different from Kalil’s autism.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Two different ends on the spectrum. Yep.

David Hirsch: And I’ve heard it said once before, if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism. [laughing]

Jahmeer Reynolds: That’s it. That’s it.

David Hirsch: So I’m curious to know what impact the boys autism has had on their older siblings, your older children.

Jahmeer Reynolds: It was difficult. Really trying to get them to understand what each of their diagnosis is and what it is not. Showing them what they’re capable of so they don’t get handicapped by having older siblings. And let them know that these two will take advantage of the system if you let them. It’s just been a lot of conversation. And having the real conversation around, Hey, when we’re gone, we’re going to need you to step up because they’re going to need you. Yeah.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. So are there some supporting organizations that come to mind, an organization or two, that have played an influential role in one of the boys’ lives, or both the boys’ lives for that matter?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Not only organizations but people. So organizations of course will be the Sausalito Marin City School District. But the people within the school district: Mr. Rich, Miss LaDonna, Miss Jones, Itoco Garcia who was the superintendent who allowed my son to come to the school. Miss Luana, like they created an environment for Kalil to be so successful and they push him. Kalil likes to eat the same things: chicken nuggets and french fries. But I sent a message to them because I’m a former employee, I was a community school director. I said, I want him to try new foods. I just sent a message to them and they was like, we got it. If he’s ever having a bad day, he can count on them. And he said something the other day. He was supposed to go with his occupational therapist. Miss LaDonna is his one-on-one. And he said, I want Miss LaDonna to go because I feel safe with her. And that choked me up. We work closely with the regional center here who helps out with our ABA therapy. Sonya Karina who helps out with our respite care so my wife and I can still do date night and things like that. For Amir, he’s in the Mill Valley School District. His teacher, Miss Liz, is amazing and the aides in the class are amazing. They push Amir to not only talk, but to fully participate and they’ve had a great hand in making sure that Amir reaches his potential. And I can honestly say it has been a great community effort.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for sharing. You’re very fortunate. The boys are very fortunate to have those type of resources. And these individuals, some of which I think are angels that show up in your life, right? Because without them you’re wondering where would we be in many cases?

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yep.

David Hirsch: Switching gears, you gave a TEDx Talk entitled “Reimagining Policing for the Good of All,” and I thought this was a very provocative talk.

Jahmeer Reynolds: African Americans are often asked by well-intentioned white people, how can we fix this problem? But how can African Americans fix a problem that we did not create, and many in power still don’t acknowledge? I wish this was a time for talking it out, but it’s not. It’s a time for action. We must change the point of reference in the narrative between law enforcement and communities of color. We must now do the hard work of disrupting systemic racism. But we have to admit the issue starts at the top.

In my work here in Marin City, I see possibilities. In my role as a community school manager of the Sausalito Marin City School District, we have created the Marin City Public Safety Initiative. This initiative is to help strengthen relationships between communities of color and law enforcement.

David Hirsch: And you go into a fair amount of detail about your own growing up as a young black guy and some of the challenges. And I’m wondering what was it that motivated you to give the talk, and what’s been the reaction now that it’s been out there for a while?

Jahmeer Reynolds: What prompted it was right around with George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and so many other brothers and sisters. And I would see all of these protests, when folks were talking, addressing the issues, police brutality, unfair treatment. And I said, you can’t ask the oppressor for the solution. And I said, I need to come up with a plan that if I ever get a chance to engage law enforcement that I would have a plan for them to serve and make the community better. And that’s what I did.

And for me, I had negative interactions with police at 12, 15, and 17. And the ironic thing is that at 12 years old is when I developed psoriasis. And if anyone knows, psoriasis is an autoimmune disease and it attacks the outside of the body and it’s exacerbated by stress. So if you watch the TEDx Talk, it gives you the equation of how my psoriasis came to be and then exacerbated it. And so I wanted to be the activist who came in with a list of solutions. And I created the Marin County Public Safety Initiative. And I walked into the sheriff’s station in Marin City and met with Lieutenant Pierre and said, this is how you can serve. And we went over the plan and he said I loved it. And that resulted in the Marin County Sheriffs during the pandemic came out and to date have helped pass out over a million pounds of food. They volunteered in our youth academy, provided other opportunities and so much more.

David Hirsch: Yeah. That sounds to me instead of channeling your anger into something that would be confrontational and aggressive, you’ve channeled your energy, if I can call it that as opposed to anger, into being part of the solution. And what an amazing experience that must be to engage the Marin County Police. And it sounds to me, I know it’s not, a little bit like community policing. They’re involved in the community. They’re involved with people, meeting people where they’re at as opposed to just trying to keep law and order. I’m wondering if there’s been any other reactions or experiences as a result of giving that TEDx Talk that you can reflect on as well.

Jahmeer Reynolds: I messed up and read the comments under the Talk. And they say don’t read the comments. [laughing] And the one thing that sticks out the most was there was this guy who said, what did you do for the police to beat you at 12 years old? I said, you got to be kidding me! And ever since then I had like… I would get those kind of comments. What were you doing for the police to beat you? And if you watch the Talk, you will literally hear, I wasn’t doing anything. Don’t get me wrong. I was active, I was in the streets, everything else. But I know that the three times in my life that I was abused by the police, I was leaving a afterschool program. I was playing basketball. I wasn’t even engaging in negative behavior and this came. And so those are the reactions that I would get. What were you doing where they had to beat you up? What?! Yeah.

David Hirsch: Yeah. There’s a reason you’re not supposed to read those comments, Jahmeer.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yeah I know now.

David Hirsch: Just look for the number of times that somebody’s given a thumbs up. That’s the most important thing. [laughing]

Jahmeer Reynolds: That’s that. That’s it. That’s it.

David Hirsch: So I’m thinking about advice now and I’m wondering if there’s advice beyond the conversation we’ve had that you can offer parents, specifically dads, maybe black dads, raising a child with special needs for that matter.

Jahmeer Reynolds: It’s okay to admit it. It’s okay that your child may be different and not everything that you thought having a child would be. That doesn’t mean that they’re any less. Get help, create a support group, create a community. Cuz trying to do this alone, the world is heavy. And your child doesn’t need you to give up.

There are services out there who can help you. There’s someone out there right now who looks just like you, and y’all just need to find each other. And the journey gets easier when you start finding your village and your community. Let’s remove what you think your child should be and love them for who they are. And I guarantee along with structure and balancing your life as well as theirs, you know the sun will shine because it could get pretty dark.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Lots of pearls of wisdom there. I think you have to embrace the situation for what it is. Like you said, it’s okay to admit it. They’re not any less. Seek help. Find a support group or groups. Don’t give up. I heard you say that. Cuz that’s the easy way out, if you will. And our wives deserve better. Our kids deserve better. And you love them for who they are. Not for who you expected them to be. And I think that’s one of the biggest difficulties that most parents have, regardless of what the children’s experience is, right? You have your vision or expectations for somebody and they’re not living up to them. And that’s where all the anxiety and the strife comes in life. And that’s not to say don’t have high standards, don’t push your kids, don’t have expectations. But be able to adapt to the situation. I think that’s what I heard you say.

Jahmeer Reynolds: And don’t compare.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Comparison is the thief of joy. There’s a lot of truth to that.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Yep.

David Hirsch: Why is it that you’ve agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Jahmeer Reynolds: I feel like for me, I’m still trying to find my community as well. And a lot of the things that I read and listened to some of the interviews here I felt like it was only right that I come here and be vulnerable. And say, if you’re a dad with a child with special needs, I would love to connect with you. I would love to brainstorm with you. I feel we are stronger together. And so that was one of my main motivations of coming on here.

David Hirsch: Yeah. We’re thrilled to have you. Thank you for being involved. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Jahmeer Reynolds: No, just thank you. I’m pretty transparent. Thank you for allowing me to be me and be vulnerable and just accept my truths and you accepted them without any judgment and so I am forever thankful for you for that.

David Hirsch: Yeah. You’re welcome. So let’s give a special shout out to Stewart Perrilliat for helping connect us.

Jahmeer Reynolds: All right, brother Stew! Thank you man.

David Hirsch: If somebody wants to learn more about your work or to contact you, what’s the best way to do that?

Jahmeer Reynolds: You can go to my company website, the MarinCountyCooperationTeam.org. Social media platforms, Facebook and Instagram. It’s the MarinCountyCooperationTeam.org. We have all of our programming, a list of county and community initiatives that we are part of. And we’re always looking for new ideas, new volunteers to help us grow.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that in the show notes so it’ll make it as easy as possible for somebody to reach out to you. Jahmeer, thank you for taking the time and many insights. As a reminder, Jahmeer is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network, a mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father, or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, please go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

Thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dads Foundation is a 501c3 not-for-profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a tax-deductible contribution? I would really appreciate your support. Jahmeer, thanks again.

Jahmeer Reynolds: Thank you, David. Appreciate you.

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to Facebook.com, groups, and search “dad to dad.” Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to David@21stCenturyDads.org.

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch.

Thanks again to Horizon Therapeutics who believe that science and compassion must work together to transform lives. That’s why they work tirelessly to research, develop, and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics at HorizonTherapeutics.com.