287 – Bob Bourke of Evanston, IL A Retired Banker, Father of Four Including One With Down Syndrome & Advisor At Misericordia

Transcript:

Tom Couch: [00:00:00] Special thanks to Horizon Therapeutics for sponsoring the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast, working tirelessly to research, develop, and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics’ mission at HorizonTherapeutics. com.

Bob Bourke: In particular times, I mentioned when Molly was so sick, that was an important piece. The place is very spiritual, and whether you’re Jewish or Muslim or Catholic or Lutheran, whatever you are. There’s a spiritual sense when you’re there. You feel it, it’s strong, it’s powerful, and it governs what goes on there and I think in a really positive way. Everybody’s happy. You go there and you say, I just feel better. I just feel a better sense of myself and life and it’s really a magical place for that.

Tom Couch: That’s our guest this week, Bob Bourke, speaking of his positive impressions of Misericordia in Chicago, [00:01:00] offering a community of care for people with disabilities. Bob Bourke is a retired banker and a board advisor at Misericordia. He’s also the father of four children, including Molly, who has Down syndrome. We’ll hear Bob’s story and how the apple of his eye, Molly, lights up every room she enters. That’s all in this week’s Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, and thanks for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast, presented by the Special Fathers Network, a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs.

The Special Fathers Network MasterMind group experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads Foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books, and sharing heartfelt challenges. One of the highlights of the year is attending an in-person weekend retreat. We’re launching 10 [00:02:00] new SFN MasterMind groups in January 2024, with 10 dads per group. That means we’re only looking for 10 like-minded dads in each of the following locations: Anchorage, Alaska; Bellevue, Nebraska; Chicago, Illinois; Denver, Colorado; Georgetown, Grand Cayman; Houston, Texas; indianapolis, Indiana; London, England; Nashville, Tennessee; and Reykjavik, Iceland. If you’re a dad raising a child with special needs in one of these cities, we hope you’ll join the local SFN MasterMind group and make the investment to become the best version of yourself. For more information, please see the show notes or simply go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

Tom Couch: Now let’s hear this heartwarming conversation between Bob Bourke and David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Bob Bourke of Evanston, Illinois, who is a retired banker, who is also a Director and Board of Advisor member at Misericordia, and father of four, including a daughter with Down syndrome. Bob, thank you for taking the time to do a podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Bob Bourke: [00:03:00] My pleasure.

David Hirsch: You and your wife Peggy have been married for 44 years and are the proud parents of three boys: Bo 40, Matt 36, and Nick 32, as well as daughter Molly, 38, who has Down syndrome. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Bob Bourke: I grew up in a suburb of Detroit. Royal Oak is the name. I was the oldest of three boys, had two great parents. We have a very normal existence, a very middle class family. My dad was a school principal in Detroit. My mom was a stay at home mom. And we did things, the normal kinds of things, that people did in that age.

I had a great experience growing up in the city of Royal Oak. And nothing major sticks out. We were a pretty plain vanilla family in the best of all ways: a loving, caring, wonderful family with two loving, caring parents and two younger brothers who I remain close to. One lives in Detroit and one lives in Bend, Oregon. And I hope I said Oregon right because it’s [00:04:00] important for the people in Oregon to say it right and I don’t always do that.

David Hirsch: Okay, thanks for sharing. I’m curious to know how would you describe your relationship with your dad?

Bob Bourke: I had a good relationship with my dad. I wouldn’t say it was overly close, though. My dad worked. He had to drive a long ways to work every day from suburban Detroit into the heart of the city. He wasn’t involved. He came to some of our sporting events, not overly involved. Did he care about us? Absolutely. Was he proud of us? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t say it was a close, emotional personal kind of relationship.

David Hirsch: Thank you for sharing. Any important takeaways from your relationship with your dad? Maybe a lesson or two that you learned?

Bob Bourke: To be very engaged with my children. That was an important point for me. To be engaged, to coach them, to go to all their school events, to be involved in their lives. Not as a helicopter parent, but as somebody who’s just there to support [00:05:00] them, help them with homework. Be as close as I can to them as they grew up.

David Hirsch: Yeah. The way I think about it or describe it is to be present.

Bob Bourke: Yeah. It’s a great description.

David Hirsch: And I break that up into four different areas: physically present, emotionally present, financially present, in different ways.

Bob Bourke: First National Bank of Dad is still operating.

David Hirsch: There you go! We probably each have t-shirts like that. And then the fourth just to complete the cycle is to be spiritually present as well, right? To be a good spiritual leader.

Bob Bourke: Those are all good descriptors.

David Hirsch: My recollection was from an educational standpoint, you went to the University of Michigan and then you went to the University of Chicago as part of the First Scholars Program. If I remember it because a number of businesses had these MBA programs, right? It was work during the day and go to school at night. Was that the experience?

Bob Bourke: Two classes a quarter for ten straight quarters.

David Hirsch: Yep, and I was the benefactor, not of the First Scholars Program, but my wife went through that program at University of Chicago, and I did the same at [00:06:00] Northwestern.

Bob Bourke: Yeah.

David Hirsch: You know I would swear by it, right? I think I was a more valuable student. I took more away from the experience as somebody who had some work experience as opposed to somebody that just went from undergrad straight into business school and then on. And It sounds like you had a good experience as well.

Bob Bourke: I did, and I agree with your conclusion on that. I think you get more out of it because you’re able to bring some different perspectives from the workplace into the classroom, so it was great.

David Hirsch: From a career standpoint you went into banking, you had a couple different stints if you want to go into some detail.

Bob Bourke: Sure. Most of my career was spent at the First National Bank of Chicago, which today is JP Morgan, but it morphed into different iterations. We merged with NBD, Bank One, and then JP Morgan. I did spend a little time when I was out in California with the Bank of California, but ultimately came back to the First National Bank of Chicago. And then at the tail end of my career, I helped US Bank kind of build out their Chicago office [00:07:00] and retired from US Bank.

David Hirsch: Okay I’m sure some of the days were long, but the years probably went by very fast.

Bob Bourke: It is, and I still see some of the people from all three organizations. I’ve built nice friendships, and again, the importance of teamwork, and working with great people. I was very blessed with that.

David Hirsch: I’m curious to know how did you and Peggy meet.

Bob Bourke: We met in California, Los Angeles. I was out there with First Chicago at the time. And she had moved out there originally to San Francisco, but ultimately to LA. And we were both invited to a dinner party of a mutual friend and we met there and I would say that I was way more interested in her at the time than she was in me. Took some hard work to ultimately get her to see that we could be good together and that’s 44+ years ago and we’ve had a great life.

David Hirsch: It sounds like there was some salesmanship involved.

Bob Bourke: There was huge salesmanship involved.

David Hirsch: So let’s switch gears and talk about special needs, first [00:08:00] on a personal level and then beyond. So I’m curious to know prior to Molly’s diagnosis or her birth, did you or Peggy have any connection to the disability or special needs community?

Bob Bourke: No, not that I recall. And as you look back on it, the schools I went to didn’t have anybody with special needs in the schools. I think they were on segregated campuses, as so many were back then. Interestingly enough, though, my dad was a principal of two schools in Detroit, both that had kids with special needs. Through that, I heard him talk about it. We went to visit the schools periodically, but that would have been the only real exposure, David, that I can recall really until Molly was born. I’d see people walk in the streets or… but not a lot.

David Hirsch: What is Molly’s diagnosis and how did it come about?

Bob Bourke: Down syndrome and at conception.

David Hirsch: And did you know before she was born?

Bob Bourke: We did not know beforehand. My wife Peggy had a side angle of Molly’s face and could tell that she [00:09:00] had the facial characteristics of somebody with Down syndrome. So we knew right away, literally at birth. It wasn’t confirmed until they did the genetic testing, but our pediatrician in a very powerful moment brought Molly in and said, this is your daughter. It’s my professional opinion she has Down syndrome. We can’t confirm it until we do the genetic testing. And it proved out to be the case, obviously, and you move forward from there.

David Hirsch: What was the immediate reaction or what advice were you getting initially?

Bob Bourke: It’s devastating, right? That moment in the delivery room when you’re expecting to have your new child, in this case a daughter, and you find out that she has Down syndrome, it was devastating. The people, the nurses and the doctor who was there, and I won’t name him, just basically washed his hands of the situation, got out of the delivery room and we didn’t see him again while we were in the hospital. This is Evanston Hospital. The nurses were great. They got us into a private room and we started to make some phone calls to family [00:10:00] members.

The first phone call we made was to Peg’s father, who was at the time Dean of the Medical School at the University of Virginia. Very accomplished guy. Wonderful guy. So we told him what had just happened. Molly was born, she has Down syndrome, and his first reaction was don’t bring her in the room, don’t bond with her. You gotta move on with your lives. First phone call.

David Hirsch: Oh my God.

Bob Bourke: You’re already feeling bad, and that happened. And we called others, and we got very different reactions, obviously. And we ended up being… We’re part of a family that’s loving and nurturing, and Peg’s father became a big fan of Molly’s and had a great relationship with her. But that was the very first phone call. When you’re so raw, and you’re dealing with the devastation of that birth.

The next day, a woman from the National Association for Down Syndrome came into our room — Deb Brashears is her name. So her oldest daughter has Down syndrome, and [00:11:00] she was a parent volunteer that comes in and meets with new families, and she was wonderful. And she really gave us a sense of hope. She had talked about what we can do and where we can go with things, and so the first day was really rough. She began to set a tone for us that was great. And she, as it turns out, has a child at Misericordia with Molly and she’s remained a close friend. And I love to tell the story of her helping out and what she did for us, because she was a lifesaver.

And then there were other agencies we got introduced to. Lekotek here in Evanston, that’s now part of, I think, of the Annexter Center. And it was great to have all the resources we had, and the people who supported us, and friends who supported us. But it was hard.

And the one piece of advice that we got at the time, and I think this has changed over time, but at that time was, don’t look forward. Live in the moment, [00:12:00] don’t look forward. It’s too hard to look forward. You’re going to focus on all the things you’re not going to have. And of course, now we look at the life we’ve had with Molly and it’s a rich, full life. And we’ve gone to places and met people and done things that we would have never done before. And our lives are way richer and way more positive today because of that. But at that time, and at the time there wasn’t much… You know, inclusion wasn’t part… I mean, there just weren’t things. There were a few things, but looking forward now is okay. There’s a lot in there that you’re gonna see and be able to take advantage of with your family member and it’s okay to look forward, I think. We look forward all the time with Molly now, of course.

David Hirsch: Yeah, thank you for your open and transparent recollection of that experience. And I can’t even imagine that the first call you would make to a family member, not just another family member, Molly’s grandfather.

Bob Bourke: Being in the medical school, you would think he would be open and know, he would be accepting [00:13:00] and all of that. It was, again, it was a brutal phone call.

David Hirsch: Yeah, when somebody says something’s old school, that’s what comes to mind.

Bob Bourke: That is a great description.

David Hirsch: And the medical community was dramatically different 30, 40 years ago and beyond than it is today. But there’s still like a lingering effect from all that medical training, the decades and generations of medical training.

Bob Bourke: Yeah.

David Hirsch: Not all healthcare providers have that same insightful enlightened understanding about the world of disability, right? And what you did say was that Deb Brashears, thank God for her message, right? That set the tone and puts you on a different path. It should be that way. It’s your child. You need to love them like you would any other child and embrace them for who they are.

Bob Bourke: Yeah.

David Hirsch: And don’t pre-worry your worries. Don’t get too far down the path. But live in the moment, right? Be present and make the [00:14:00] most of the situation. God only knows what is around the corner or down the road. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

Bob Bourke: Of course.

David Hirsch: I’m wondering, what were some of the more important decisions you made along the way as it relates to raising a child with Down syndrome?

Bob Bourke: A couple of things. One, we decided to get Molly involved in programs to help. And Lekotek, which was a toy library. It’s a Swedish If I remember correctly Swedish-based organization that had groups around the country. And this one was in City Hall in Evanston. And so we take Molly and her older brother and then her younger brother to the Lekotek Toy Library. We did things as a family. We got Molly involved in Pathways, which was a rehabilitation network that helped her and with her skills, motor skills and that.

And then the first really big decision we made is we wanted her to be fully included in school. We lived in Glencoe at the time. Peg did way more work on this than [00:15:00] I did, but we met with the Glencoe school system and Molly became, I think, the first child with Down syndrome to be fully included in a class. I think I have that right. That was great. And the superintendent was supportive. The principal was really supportive. And as a result, we were able to get Molly fully included. They had an aide that came in and helped. And I think that Molly is a very fun, social, loves to interact, and I think that helped. She was in class with other students, again, fully included in that class. I think it helped her, and I think it helped them. All of a sudden these kindergartners are growing up. They’ve started school with somebody with special needs in their classroom, and I think that from an acceptance point of view it was wonderful. So I think it’s a win-win for the teachers, it was a win-win for everybody. So that was the decision we made.

And early on, we were looking forward. We began to think about [00:16:00] where should Molly go when she gets out of high school? Where should she go? And what should she do? And we talked about group homes and this and that, but ultimately after spending some time on the topic, settled on Misericordia. And I think we had Molly on the wait list there at age 12. She didn’t get in until she was age 22, but we had a pretty good sense of what we thought would be best for her. And again, I’m a big believer, David, in choice and the choice that we made for Molly isn’t necessarily the choice that other people would make for their family member, but we felt that was the best choice for her.

Between school and fully included and she had a great experience at New Trier. They were wonderful, and again, we don’t have time today to talk about all the wonderful things that happened to us there. And then to Misericordia, just some big picture things that we decided on that helped us and helped Molly grow into the person she is today.

David Hirsch: Yeah, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you did get plugged into some amazing [00:17:00] programs and resources: Lekotek, Pathways, the New Trier School System, which is second to none in the Chicago area, and obviously Misericordia, which we’ll talk about in a few minutes.

Bob Bourke: In your list there, it’s a good list. I would just add to it the Glencoe Public Schools, because they were wonderfully supportive of having Molly be included in their kindergarten program when Molly started kindergarten.

David Hirsch: Excellent. Not to focus on the negative, but what have been some of the bigger challenges that Molly’s encountered or you’ve encountered as a family?

Bob Bourke: I don’t wanna sound pollyannish about this, but aside from the issues I think that every parent that has a child with special needs can go through is that there are things you realize that you’re not going to have that other people have. Now Molly graduated, went through graduation at New Trier but we knew she likely wasn’t going to go to college. I know there’s some programs that have people with special needs go in them. I don’t want to say there’s no hope of that. And I realized when we made the choice of Misericordia that I wasn’t going to get to walk her [00:18:00] down the aisle.

There are things you go through. Molly had some health issues. She had pneumonia and she was in Children’s Hospital. It was in Lincoln Park at the time. It wasn’t Lurie as it is today. And she was in intensive care for six weeks, induced a coma to keep her alive. And they did. And we had our ministers and priests coming in to pray and to help. And we had a community who was praying for us. And whether you’re a spiritual person or not, I do believe in the power of prayer, or the power of positive thinking. And we had that, and I think that’s in large measure why Molly survived and has done great.

Your question, I think, was getting at, have we faced taunting, or have we faced teasing? We’ve had none that I’ve seen. Maybe it’s gone on. Maybe we weren’t aware of it but we have no feedback and know [00:19:00] nothing that that kind of thing went on. She has been embraced by every community we’ve been part of, and we are grateful for that. You said you saw the movie she was working on. Glencoe, those are all people that had never had… that had modest exposure to people with special needs and they embraced her working at that store and the community embraced her. So we’ve been really lucky, fortunate. Maybe we’ve created some of that luck because we pushed it. But we’ve been really lucky that she’s had the life that she’s had. So I haven’t seen anything that I would look back and say, that person was a jerk, or this person was awful, or shame on them. Nothing.

I’ll tell you one cute Molly story a little bit on that line. When Molly was in second grade, she wanted to have a play date. So she called every girl in her class, and I think the number was… not important what the number was, but more than 10. And none of them could do it. And I don’t know that it’s because it was Molly or [00:20:00] they didn’t want to come over or whatnot. So at the end of these 14 calls, Molly was diligent about making the calls. We were just crushed and Molly looked at us and said, you know what? I had the best day I’ve ever had. I got to talk to all 14 of my classmates.

David Hirsch: Oh my God.

Bob Bourke: How about that?

David Hirsch: Oh, geez. Yeah, you can’t make these things up.

Bob Bourke: True story.

David Hirsch: Yeah, it’s a beautiful story. Sad in one respect, from the parents perspective.

Bob Bourke: Yeah, [laughing] we were crushed as parents! We just… that’s as good a story to tell you what Molly’s like as a person as I can give you. That’s how she approaches life. She loves everybody. She’s happy and grateful for all she has. I’m getting ahead of the story now, so I won’t. I’ll stop. But that’s a great story about her and who she is.

David Hirsch: I don’t know if it’s going to lead to this, but that’s like sales training…

Bob Bourke: Yeah! [laughing]

David Hirsch: Right? To get 14 rejections in a row and to think, oh, life’s still good, right?

Bob Bourke: Yeah, I’m not deterred from making the next call.

David Hirsch: Yeah. It reminds me and I don’t want to digress too much into our business experience, [00:21:00] but it was the day after Thanksgiving 1984. I took the day off of work and I went to 13 different brokerage firms because I decided I was going to leave public accounting. And I was not able to meet with any of the branch managers, only secretaries. And I dropped off my resume because you could do it back then. And the very first of the 13 rejection letters — remember this is a Friday — the very first of the 13 rejection letters was in my mailbox in the western suburbs on Saturday morning. And it was a very humbling experience during the course of the next week to get the other 12 rejection letters and think, oh now what am I going to do? I literally figured out the top 13 opportunities and they all said no to me. Anyway, I was able to resurrect a couple of them and not look back, but that’s the idea that came to mind was that Molly’s going through sales training, right? That it’s preparing her for something else in life but…

Bob Bourke: Didn’t deter her one iota.

Tom Couch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. [00:22:00] Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents Survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a Great Dad Coin. Thank you. Now, back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: So I’m curious to know what impact Molly’s situation’s had on her siblings, your marriage or the extended family for that matter.

Bob Bourke: To me, it’s all positive. The siblings, I think they’re all more sensitive, more caring, more understanding, more accepting of people with special needs. They’ve been around it their whole lives, much like the classroom situation I talked about. They’re great, they’ve each married wonderful people, and I think Molly loves having three sisters now, sister-in-laws, and they’ve embraced her as a sister-in-law and are involved in her life. And now we have five grandchildren, and they all get [00:23:00] to know Molly, and they all… This is normal to them having a family member with special needs, so I think that’s all great.

I think for me, in a work sense, I think it changed me as a manager. I think I was always a pretty welcoming and positive manager, but I think I understood what acceptance meant a little bit more, and I think I understood trying to look for people’s strengths and benefits. I think I became more in tune with those things because of Molly. I think I became a better manager because of Molly and what she taught me.

And in terms of our marriage, I think the statistics are high that marriages don’t survive a child with special needs and clearly there are stresses that come with it. I think for Peg having a daughter that I can’t walk her down the aisle, and Peg can’t do things that moms and daughters would get to do. So I think there are stresses that come with that, but I think we really work hard [00:24:00] at communicating and talking about it. And I think we both agree that we’re better today as a couple, we’re better today as a family, because of what Molly’s brought into our lives. Different, for sure, than it might have been otherwise, but I think way better.

David Hirsch: And how about the extended family?

Bob Bourke: Same. I have a brother who’s married but no children who lives in, the one in Bend that we were talking about. I won’t pronounce the state again for fear of pronouncing it incorrectly. He calls Molly every day. They communicate every day. This is a guy that’s, he can be pretty prickly at times. He would call himself an eccentric. But he and Molly call each other every day. Every day. And I think that it’s brought out a side of him that I don’t think many people get to see. And he’s very generous with his pocketbook to Misedricordia. But when he writes the checks, I thank him. But I also say, what’s more valuable is the friendship you’ve built with your niece.

My other brother, I think [00:25:00] he’s not as close to Molly. But there’s some well. And then aunts and uncles and cousins all love Molly. Flies to see an aunt in Maine. Flies to see a cousin who lives in Austin, Texas. So they have all welcomed her, have been great. And everybody else, it’s a theme of the story. We’re better people because of what she does and she’s taught us all a lot.

David Hirsch: Yeah thanks for sharing. I love that touching story about your brother in Bend, Oregon being in constant contact. Literally.

Bob Bourke: Daily. Sometimes two or three times a day. I would’ve never guessed it. When Molly worked up in Glencoe I used to go up and have lunch with her every Friday and then we would drive back to Misericordia. And we started out calling Uncle Dave that Friday in the car going back. From that, and that was probably six or seven years ago, it’s blossomed into this daily and sometimes multiple times a day phone relationship. The conversation is exactly the same every time. Literally. Same [00:26:00] questions, same everything. Molly doesn’t tire of it. And Dave, you would think it was the first time they were talking about these things. It’s really quite cute.

David Hirsch: I love it. Thank you. So let’s talk a little bit about Misericordia. The mission of Misericordia is to provide a continuum of care and support for children and adults of all faiths, cultures, who have intellectual and developmental disabilities. And I did a little homework. The history goes back to 1921.

Bob Bourke: 102 years.

David Hirsch: Misericordia was originally a maternity hospital for a woman of meager means. And then in 1954, the focus became serving those with intellectual, developmental and physical disabilities. And then it wasn’t until 1969 that sister Rosemary Connolly came along and sprinkled her pixie dust on the program.

Bob Bourke: Talk about the right person at the right position at the right time.

David Hirsch: From what I understand, Misericordia supports directly 600 youth and adults. And there’s so many different programs I almost don’t know where to start. But one of the first things that comes to mind when I think about Misericordia is [00:27:00] that there are a lot of residents, individuals that live in Misericordia properties.

Bob Bourke: Yeah, let me go back and just amplify something about Sister Rosemary that I think is important. She was a social worker by training, if I remember correctly, a Sister of Mercy. And she came to run the place. And at the time, unwed mothers were there, the maternity side of it that you talked about. And they were a home, it was home to 39 residents, six years and under with Down syndrome. And the state of Illinois at the time required that those six-year-olds, when they became seven, would have to go out into the state institutions. And Sister said, basically over my dead body is that going to happen! [David laughs] And so she talked about her idea that she’d like to continue to provide programs for these people, and did the Archdiocese have any facility that she could use? It was the old Angel Guardian Orphanage, where the [00:28:00] organization is today at Devon and Ridge. And it was empty, and the Archdiocese said it’s all yours.

So she came up with 39 residents, give or take 50 employees, no prospect of figuring out how to make payroll, no revenue stream, no donation stream. And she came up and has built that program from 39 to 600 residents. There’s 700 people on the wait list today. The main campus is 37 acres and we have 15 homes out in the community, silos. Molly lives in one of those silos out in the community and those silos, they’re our highest functioning residents and they take a van into the campus every day.

So the campus provides the center point for everybody to come for their work life. Everybody works, everybody has a job. It’s a big part of the Misericordia story. There are a lot of residents. We’ve done a hundred million dollars of capital projects since we’ve come to that campus. So there’s [00:29:00] the old Angel Guardian Orphanage building, but there have been probably 25 or 30 homes or other residents built on that campus.

So it’s big, but you’ve got homes for 10 people or 12 people or six people or eight people. So it’s not like you’re in a big institution. You’re clearly in the… it looks like a college campus. And these homes interact with each other. They have barbecues, they have dances. They do so much. And she didn’t look ahead and say, this is what I’m going to do, but she was able to raise the money.

We have 1200 employees. Each of those residents has a separate schedule every day. So there’s 600 separate schedules every day where people are going to work either on campus or off campus. Molly belongs to a dance troupe called the Heartbreakers, and they perform 50 to 75 times a year. And she got parents engaged, volunteering from parents and others is a huge part of the Misericordia story. What she did, and what she [00:30:00] built from this humble 39-person beginning! I’m in awe of what she’s done.

David Hirsch: Yeah, what’s quite remarkable, I’ve been there and witnessed some of what you’ve just described. You have these 600 individuals living in these, what are relatively small group settings, not big institutional settings.

Bob Bourke: Yeah.

David Hirsch: And then the pulse, if I can call it that, of life is on the campus. And there’s all these different work experience opportunities. And I don’t know if I’m looking at it objectively, but there’s the Hearts & Flour Bakery, there’s the Farmers Market, there’s the Heartstrings gift shop, there’s the Greenhouse Inn Restaurant. There’s all these different opportunities for people to be engaged meeting them where they’re at with whatever talent or skills that they have. And I’m wondering if you can shed some light on each of these: the Hearts & Flour Bakery, the Farmer’s Market, the Heartstrings Gift Shop, etc.

Bob Bourke: Misericordia has 11 micro businesses, including the bakery, [00:31:00] which is the biggest employer of residents. We have a coffee packaging business. Our art department, I’ll come back to that in a second, David. And the Greenhouse Inn, which is a restaurant where the public can come and have lunch there 11 to 2 every day and brunch on Sundays from I think 10 to 1. I may have the time wrong and I hope people don’t show up after seeing this and not be able to get lunch. So check the website to get the actual numbers. We have a recycling business. And all of these businesses are designed to provide job opportunities for our residents. That’s their sole purpose. Do they create goodwill in the community? Yes. Do they make great bakery products? Yes. Bakery Cafe is a drive-thru bakery that we opened up a couple of years ago, a quarter of a mile south of our campus. The Hearts & Flour Bakery is up in Glenview. Residents are driven up there every day and work there along with volunteers and we sell [00:32:00] Misericordia baked goods. You can get a sandwich there. You can get a cup of coffee there. So these businesses are great. They make revenue. They don’t generate a profit, but they do provide a work opportunity for our residents.

And Molly works. She’s in the art department. She does recycling and she works at a restaurant. I’ll go call the candlelight every Monday night. They call it Molly Monday. She loves going there. She takes a bus in the summer. They drive her there in the winter just because it’s dark and it’s on Western Avenue, north part of Chicago. She loves being part of a team. She likes working hard. She likes doing her job. She likes getting a paycheck. She’s no different than the rest of us who go in and like all of those different things about working. She loves it, and so do all the other residents.

70 residents a week work in our bakery. We have probably 200 of our residents work, do some form of art every week. We have an event called Artists in All. We take over the modern wing of the Art [00:33:00] Institute downtown, and we sell resident art, some 250 pieces of resident art once a year. 1,500 people attend. It’s a wonderful celebration. And if you see… The first time I went to this I thought, gosh, how good can this art be that the Misericordia residents are doing? You go there, and you’re just blown away by the quality of the art. And in fact, it gets better each year.

Molly, she’s had a piece of art there for a couple years now. She’s a commissioned artist. So when her painting sells, she gets a cut. And she loves that. So she loves, she’s now tracking how much her painting is going for. Molly has a checking account at Chase Bank, she has a money card, and so when she gets paid, one of the things Sister did was have home visits once a month. Those of our residents that can go home, do go home. And Molly and I go to the bank, we deposit her check, she goes to get her nails done, she likes to go to Target. This whole work thing is, I think, a real great part of the program, and not all of our [00:34:00] residents can get off campus and work. A lot of them are in wheelchairs. But they do what they can, but everybody’s being pushed to the best of their abilities to do things there.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Thanks for emphasizing that. I didn’t realize that there was 11 micro businesses, and I did realize that the focus was on jobs and something purposeful, something meaningful. These are life skills and ways to interact and be part of the community. And the only other thing I wanted to make sure that we touched on that hasn’t come up is the Family Fest, the annual event.

Bob Bourke: That is one of probably 10 big events that we have. In a typical year, we’ll have 10,000 people come to campus and we have a big tent where there’s shows. Molly would perform with the Heartbreakers. We have a singing group called the Heartzingers. There’s a children’s part of it. There’s food. But it’s a way to get people to our campus and celebrate being at Misericordia. Our residents are all mingling and going around. It’s really a nice day of celebration. All [00:35:00] done basically by volunteers, family members. Hundreds of volunteers.

David Hirsch: Very impressive. Thank you. I’m wondering what role spirituality has played on your journey?

Bob Bourke: As I’ve mentioned to you, it’s been an important part of the journey. In particular times, I mentioned when Molly was so sick, that was an important piece of prayer and all of that. The place is very spiritual, and whether you’re Jewish or Muslim or Catholic or Lutheran, whatever you are, there’s a spiritual sense when you’re there. You feel it. It’s strong. It’s powerful. And it governs what goes on there, and I think in a really positive way. Everybody’s happy. You go there and at the end of the day you leave and you say — and I’ve volunteered there a lot — you say, I just feel better. I just feel a better sense of myself and life. And it’s really a magical place for that. So the spiritual nature of it, no matter what your [00:36:00] faith is, is really powerful and an important part of the story.

David Hirsch: Yeah, I can vouch for what you’re referring to. I would describe it as like the vibe or the energy that is there. And what other explanation could you have other than it’s God-ordained?

Bob Bourke: Yeah, it’s quite remarkable, and to have Sister come along at the time she did and be as stubborn as she was, in a good way, about wanting to provide the right kind of life for these 39 residents, and what it’s grown to, is quite a story.

David Hirsch: I’m thinking about advice now, and I’m wondering what advice you can share with parents, specifically dads.

Bob Bourke: The advice I would give is, don’t shy away from it. Admit that it may not have been the life you wanted, that it may not have been the journey you expected. I think that the phrase is, I got in a plane and thought I was going to Paris, but I ended up in Amsterdam. Embrace what you’ve been given. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings. One of the things when families are coming to [00:37:00] Misericordia that I mention to them, and I didn’t appreciate this David when it started, is that you’re in a community of people that have gone through a similar life experience to you. Everyone’s a little different, every family story is a little different. But ultimately you’re dealing with some kind of loss over what your dreams had been. And being in that community and knowing the people understand how you feel and what you’re going through has been a really powerful thing for me.

And you don’t have to be at Misericordia to feel that. You can go to other organizations, but take advantage of what’s out there. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to express your emotion. It’s okay to feel bad about it at times. It’s okay to admit that it’s not exactly perfect. But move ahead, be present, to use your phrase, which is great, and make the most out of this opportunity that’s been given to you. Make the most of it. It’s a hand you’re dealt. And you got, like you would do with any of your other children, make the most of it.

David Hirsch: Words of wisdom. Thank you [00:38:00] for sharing. So why is it that you’ve agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Bob Bourke: You suggested to me, David, that there are a lot of people that watch this. There are a lot of people that can benefit from it. We talked about benefits that my family has received, whether it’s me as in a professional context or work context or when Molly was born. And if I can give back, I’m happy to give back to the community and help out in any way I can. We’re all in this together, right? Ultimately, we’re all in this together, and if we can’t help each other, that’d be way too bad.

David Hirsch: We’re thrilled to have you. Thank you for being part of the group. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Bob Bourke: No, I think we covered a lot of ground today, so thank you. And thanks for keeping at me to do this so much appreciate it. I enjoyed it.

David Hirsch: Let’s give a special shout out to Sister Rosemary Connelly and the staff at Misericordia for helping connect us.

Bob Bourke: Yeah, that is great.

David Hirsch: If somebody wants to learn about Misericordia or contact you, what’s the best way to do that?

Bob Bourke: I’m happy to give you my phone number and happy to give you my email. [00:39:00] My phone number — and this is not a Misericordia number, I’m a volunteer at Misericordia, and I’m not there all the time. I think it’s easier to reach you on my cell phone, which is 312- 209- 4890. And I text if that’s easier for people. And my email is robertrburke at yahoo. com.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that in the show notes so it’ll make it as easy as possible for somebody to follow up with you.

Bob Bourke: That would be great.

David Hirsch: Thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Bob is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, please go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

Thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dads Foundation is a 501c3 not for profit [00:40:00] organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a tax-deductible contribution? I would really appreciate your support. Bob, thanks again.

Bob Bourke: It’s been my pleasure. Thanks, David.

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to Facebook.com, groups, and search “dad to dad.” Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to [00:41:00] David@21stCenturyDads.org.

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch.

Thanks again to Horizon Therapeutics who believe that science and compassion must work together to transform lives. That’s why they work tirelessly to research, develop, and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics at HorizonTherapeutics.com.