328 – Mastermind Group Monday With Tim Coughlin of London, England

Transcript:

Tim Coughlin: What’s amazing about the Special Fathers Network is it’s a dad’s group for any special needs dads. It doesn’t really matter what your child is afflicted by. The commonality is your special needs dad. But I’ve taken so much from my experience in the group and from the network itself that I’ve rolled it out to those dads that are impacted or have children that are impacted by my, daughter Edith’s condition. And again, that’s been a tremendously valuable experience. So I really can’t speak enough of how positive an impact it’s had on my life and on my relationship with my family.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now, with more than 300 weekly episodes every Friday since 2018, we’ve been shining a bright light on the positive and uplifting aspects of raising children with disabilities and inspiring dads, stepdads, granddads and father figures to be more present physically, emotionally and spiritually. Welcome to the new Special Fathers Network Network Mastermind Group Monday Podcast. I’ll be interviewing Mastermind Group dads who will reflect on the positive impact the Mastermind Group experience has had on them and the well being of their families. As a reminder, the SFN Mastermind Group experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books and sharing heartfelt challenges. One of the highlights of the year is attending an in-person weekend retreat. We’re launching 10 new SFN mastermind groups in 2024 with 10 dads per group. That means we’re only looking for 10 like-minded dads in each community. If you’re a dad raising a child with special needs, we hope you’ll join a local SFN Mastermind group and make the investment to become the best version of yourself. For more information, please see the show notes or simply go to 21stCenturyDads.org. Happy listening.

David Hirsch: I’m, thrilled to be talking today with my friend Tim Coughlin, who’s currently in London and who works for Morgan Stanley. He’s also the father of two, including a daughter with a rare neurological disorder. Tim, thank you for taking the time to do a Mastermind Group Monday interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Tim Coughlin: Thanks, David. Pleased to be here.

David Hirsch: You and your wife Jennifer have been married for nine years and the proud parents of two girls, Alice, 5, and Edith, 3, who is diagnosed with BBSOAS, otherwise known as Bosch-Boonstra-Schaff optic atrophy syndrome, a rare neurological disorder caused by a disruption of the NR2F1 gene. That’s a mouthful.

Tim Coughlin: It is.

David Hirsch: You’ve also been involved with the Special Fathers Network the past year or two. you were featured in episode number 279 of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast that aired in November of 2023. And while living in London for about six months, you’ve led the new London Special Fathers Network mastermind group. Would you please give us a brief update on the Coughlin family?

Tim Coughlin: Sure. So, as you said, I’m proud father of Alice, who’s five, who just finished what we call reception, the equivalent of kindergarten yesterday, which, is mind boggling. And Edith, who is three and a half, you know, in nursery and doing, you know, fantastic in her own way and on her own timeline. And my wife Jennifer and I couldn’t be more proud of both of them. It’s been, you know, journey on our own timeline, certainly not reflective of maybe everyone else’s, but for us it’s perfect and a beautiful journey.

David Hirsch: So, you’re in London, but you don’t have an English accent. What’s the deal?

Tim Coughlin: So I grew up in a town in New Jersey called Basking Ridge. I bounced around a bit for school and for work. So I went to, college in Connecticut at Trinity College, and then I went straight to law school, in Villanova, so outside of Philly. And then I got a master’s degree at University College London, so here in the UK. And I started work with a international law firm, a UK based firm, but in their US offices. And a decade onward, I was lucky enough to meet my wife Jennifer, who was British, and we were living in New York City at the time and she wanted to be closer to her. And so we decided to up sticks and move to, London, England almost seven years ago. And so we are here now. My American accent has not waned one bit.

David Hirsch: Okay, thanks for sharing. So I’m sort of curious to know, what is it that attracted you to be involved with the Special Fathers Network initially?

Tim Coughlin: So, like many other dads, immediately after getting a diagnosis In March of 2022, right after Edith turned one, I turned to the Internet and was desperately Googling anything I could find both about Edith’s condition and about resources available for people in my situation. And I happened to come

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Tim Coughlin: across, the Dad to Dad Podcast. First, it was through a gentleman named Mike Groglia, who’s very active as Part of, his son’s journey, his family’s journey with Simgap1. And I just started listening one after another. And what was interesting is that even though I listened to a number of them, there’s a myriad of different perspectives and lived experiences from each of the interviewees. And almost everyone. I heard some aspect of my own voice, my own fears, my own struggles, and what really triggered me to contact, I think, you. I listened to one by Ian Todd as opposed to a number of the others. Instead of just hearing bits and pieces that resonated, I felt like Ian was me talking. We both had a similar upbringing, grew up around the same age. Our sort of impacted children and our neurotypical children are similar ages. It just really resonated with me. And I reached out to him and he’s been part of the mastermind group, I believe, since the original group almost three years ago. And notwithstanding that, Ian lives in Baltimore, Maryland, and I live in London, England. We still talk almost every other week, and we got together in person last summer, and we’re going to see each other and our families pretty soon. He’s become a very close friend, and he really encouraged me to, one, you know, speak with you and then also get involved, as much as I can.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for reminding me of how you first came in contact with the Special Fathers Network. Mike Kralia was episode number 204, and then Ian Todd was episode number 238. And, you know, it’s a reminder, the power of putting this information out there, shining a bright light on some of the positive things that are going on in the world of disability. And you never know who’s going to, you know, listen. Right. Maybe there’s a lot larger audience of dads out there that we don’t even know about. Right. They’re just listening and, you know, paying attention, hopefully getting, you know, a positive dose of some insight or some inspiration. So what did you understand about the mastermind group before you actually started the group there in London?

Tim Coughlin: Really? Nothing at all. I could, you know, from the outside in, it’s. It’s, you know, I couldn’t understand if it was, something like AA or Al Anon or something more like a bereavement group. But in fact, it’s. It’s all of those and more. But most importantly, it’s overwhelmingly positive. It’s a space to be with others who know what it feels like to be living with a child with additional needs. You celebrate the wins and mourn the challenges. I found it can be joyous, it can be hilarious, it can be gut wrenchingly sad. But importantly, it’s judgment free. And you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, which is a rare and valuable thing for dads living this life journey that we, are.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. It is a safe place for guys just to be themselves. What’s been the most important takeaway from your weekly Mastermind group experiences?

Tim Coughlin: I’d say it’s given me the perspective to one, celebrate the wins. And I say that for listeners out there, the format is largely the same every week. And I actually found some of my favorite parts are kind of the opening segment and the closing segment where one each guy who’s there, you go around, you say you have to celebrate a recent win. And focusing on the positives that, have happened either in your life or your kid’s life or whatever has been a healthy reminder. And it sounds so simple, but it’s very rare to have a forum where you can comfortably share, hey, my 8 year old took three steps and have that be a win. Or hey, my teenager is potty training and have that be a win. And you’re with a group that knows how hard it is for your kids to achieve those milestones and how hard they’re working to, get there. And so being able to verbalize and express them is one, it’s just a really joyous thing. But then two, it’s really affirming to say it out loud and to get the affirmation from others. Correspondingly, at the end of every segment, you know, we say, you know, what, what are you looking forward to? And again, you can open it up and talk about anything you want. You know, I’m not gonna lie, there’s times when I, you know, I don’t focus on my daughter. I say I get Saturday by myself and I get some quiet time. And that’s okay to look forward to that. But more often than not, it’s about what you’re looking forward to doing with your child with additional needs to meet them where they are. And so it’s something that if you were walking around talking to a neurotypical family, it may not seem like anything special, but in that forum, every other guy there knows that what you’re looking forward to may seem simple, but man, is it huge. That’s really my favorite takeaway amongst many others.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. I think that if the guys wanted to play the Hardship Olympics, right,

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David Hirsch: and sort of outdo each other for how hard it has been the last week, they could certainly try to do that. Right. But this is not the place for that. Right. And I think the point you’re making, which is hey, we start the meetings with positive. Right. What’s gone on the past week that you know, you’re grateful for and then we try to end the meetings as well. What we’re looking forward to and whether it’s some alone time like you were saying or an event or an experience, a milestone on anniversary of some type of birthday that’s ah, on the calendar. I think it’s really important to be in the right frame of mind and you know, life goes by pretty fast. So thank you for sharing.

David Hirsch: So at the heart of the Special Fathers Network Mastermind group experience or what we call dad in the middle, where a dad or 2 per meeting share a challenge that they’re wrestling with. What are those dad in the middle segments meant to you?

Tim Coughlin: And why they’re really important to me both as a participant, sort of as the dad in the middle I should say and, and is just a, a listener because they’re a deep dive with others to hold yourself and to hold others accountable. I like the fact that when I’m, when I am dad in the middle one I really need to think ahead of the meeting and tease out what’s going on in my life on a day to day basis that needs addressing. And even just that thought exercise is immensely helpful. And then as dad in the middle it’s fantastic to hear others perspectives given again the, the varied life experiences and circumstances that we all have. And I’ll say it sometimes to you know, have people tell you like it’s not that bad, or we’re all going through that and it’s helpful to sort of just, just get out of your own head. And then I really like when participating as a, as a listener or someone who’s responding to the data in the middle I always come away with something even though it’s not my you know, problem in sort of in quotations or challenge. I always come away with something that I can take and apply in my own life, in my own circumstances. The UK group is somewhat unique amongst the other mastermind groups in that we’re predominantly dads with younger kids. We have one or two who have older children but we don’t have any, you know, sagacious grizzled gray hairs who have lived this for 30, 40 years. So to a certain degree where the blind leading the Blind. But notwithstanding that, everyone around the table either is living through some of the same challenges at that time or they’re in fairly recent memory. So it can be helpful from a practical perspective there.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well stated. thank you. So, regarding the financial commitment, the Special Fathers Network mastermind group dads invest anywhere from $50 to $200 a month according to their financial wherewithal. What would you say to a dad who’s interested in the Special Father mastermind group but concerned about the financial commitment?

Tim Coughlin: I would advise to just try it and I’d say for at least three meetings, the first one, just feel free to listen. The second one, lean in a bit more and by the third, try to share as dad in the middle. I’m, positive that you’ll come away better equipped. Special needs dad, granddad, husband, partner, son, co worker. Whatever role you are going to play, you will be able to take something and I would venture many things away that are going to be very valuable. And I’m willing to bet that you’ll come back more and more.

David Hirsch: I think your advice about, not just attending one meeting, but maybe three meetings, right, because it’s going to look and feel a little bit different once you have a better understanding about who’s on first and, you know what’s going on. So thanks for sharing. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Tim Coughlin: I like to say that I approach this with some reticence and hesitation myself. And not only have I become an active participant in a leader in a mastermind group, I found this so valuable that I’ve started other dad’s groups. As I was saying, what’s amazing about the Special Fathers Network is it’s a dad’s group for, you know, any special needs dads. it doesn’t really matter what your child is afflicted by the commonalities, your special needs dad. But I’ve taken so much from my experience in the group and from the network itself that I’ve rolled it out to those dads that are impacted or have children that are impacted by my daughter Edith’s condition. And again, that’s been a tremendously valuable experience. So I really can’t speak enough of how positive an impact it’s had on my life and on my relationship with my family.

David Hirsch: That’s fabulous. If somebody wants to contact you, what’s the best way to do so?

Tim Coughlin: They can reach me, on LinkedIn. They can find me, I’m Tim Coughlin at Morgan Stanley. Or they can drop me an email, at T R C O U G H L I N @gmail.com and I’m happy to answer questions day or night. So look forward to hearing from anyone, who’s interested in the group or wants to know more about BBSOAS.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that information in the show notes, so I’ll make it as easy as possible for somebody to follow up. Tim, thank you for taking time and many insights. As a reminder, Tim is just one of the dads who’s agreed to be a Special Fathers Network Mentor father and who is part of the Special Fathers Network Mastermind Group. For more information on the Special Fathers Network and the Mastermind Group, Please go to 21stCenturyDads.org Additional links can also be found in the show notes. Tim, thanks again.

Tim Coughlin: Thanks so much David.

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