330 – Mastermind Group Monday With Jordan Jankus Of Wallingford, VT

Transcript:

Jordan Jankus: I have this absolute honor of being an advocate for her in life because she can’t advocate in many ways for herself. You know, this is a long term commitment. I appreciate the Mastermind Group because it makes the continuation of advocacy possible for me even at my advanced age. It’s nice to hear that other people are going through the same thing.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now, with more than 300 weekly episodes every Friday since 2018, we’ve been shining a bright light on the positive and uplifting aspects of raising children with disabilities and inspiring dads, stepdads, granddads and father figures to be more present physically, emotionally and spiritually. Welcome to the new Special Fathers Network Mastermind Group Monday Podcast. I’ll be interviewing Mastermind Group dads who will reflect on the positive impact the Mastermind Group experience has had on them and the well-being of their families. As a reminder, the SFN Mastermind Group experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books and sharing heartfelt challenges. One of the highlights of the year is attending an in-person weekend retreat. We’re launching 10 new SFN mastermind groups in 2020 with 10 dads per group. That means we’re only looking for 10 like-minded dads in each community. If you’re a dad raising a child with special needs, we hope you’ll join a local SFN Mastermind group and make the investment to become the best version of yourself. For more information, please see the show notes or simply go to 21stCenturyDads.org happy listening.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with my friend Jordan Jankus of Wallingford, Vermont, who is a disability advocate, founder of Plastic Learning, a freelance writer, and perhaps most importantly, father of two. Jordan, thank you for taking the time to do a Mastermind Group Monday interview with the Special Fathers Network.

Jordan Jankus: My pleasure, David.

David Hirsch: You and your wife Cathy have been married for 49 years and the proud parents of, two children, Justin, 35, and Jessie, 45, who has multiple developmental disabilities including cerebral palsy. You’ve been involved with the Special Fathers Network this past year. You were featured in episode number 311 of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast that aired in June of 2024, and you’ve been involved with the Tuesday night Mastermind Group for the past few months. Would you please provide us with a brief overview and update on the Jenkins Family.

Jordan Jankus: Sure, David. We started out in metropolitan New York, made the pilgrimage that many people do there. We went from Queen to Long island to, Westchester. During my professional, career, I had, an odd combination. I was in banking for 20 plus years. And then I shifted to the world of disability services. As you mentioned, my daughter is 45 years old now, and she has multiple disabilities. And I like to say that I have 45 years experience in the disability field, but actually I spent 23 years in disability services. As far as advocacy, I spent 12 of those 23 years helping people with disabilities learn how to speak up and advocate for themselves. I had a lot of experience in that. I’m still involved, despite my retirement, in the world of advocacy and trying to get more options for people with disabilities. In, 2019, we came up here to see my son who had moved up from Westchester to Vermont because he had met a Wallingford girl. And it’s a lovely place. And so we bought a summer home here. And about a year later, this strange thing, a pandemic happened. And we said, well, maybe that summer home should be our permanent home. So we sold our home in Westchester and we moved up here. We moved everybody except for Jessica. Jessica remains in New York because we found the services here in Vermont, which is a much, much smaller state. The services are very limited. So she remains in New York. And once a month we travel down to New York and bring her up here for modification. And, she’s still an incredibly important part of our life. And we talk with her every day via FaceTime. And we count down the number and her time spectrum, the number of beds to

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Jordan Jankus: me. See you. And she’s presently on a vacation here as we speak for July 4th.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for the brief overview. And, I think it is remarkable. Jessie has this cadre of friends and family that she keeps in contact with on a daily basis. So it’s not like she’s out of sight, out of mind by any stretch of the imagination.

Jordan Jankus: Absolutely.

David Hirsch: So I’m sort of curious to, know what attracted you to get involved initially with the Special Fathers Network.

Jordan Jankus: Well, honesty is the best policy. And, David, I have to say, prior to Faye Simon at Exceptional Parent magazine, I wasn’t familiar with the Special Fathers Network. I wrote a couple of articles for Exceptional Parent on various subjects, transition and personal technology. And through those, I didn’t know. But you had a connection with Faye Simon. That connection resulted in me talking to you. And all of a sudden I learned about the Special Fathers Network. It seemed kind of interesting, something I didn’t know about. And since that momentous first discussion, I’m amazed at how much I’ve gained from being part of the network.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for reminding me that it was Faye Simon at Exceptional Parent magazine, one of our partners that, put us in contact with one another. They do amazing work, and we’re very grateful for the introduction. So what did you understand about the Mastermind group before you joined?

Jordan Jankus: Before I joined, I had a brief outline of it. You know that, fathers get together on a weekly basis. they share their experiences. You know, it wasn’t, I say, a detailed understanding until I actually started joining the groups. Of course, there was some concern on behalf of a cynical New Yorker that this would be a sob fest and that, you know, people would be revealing their hearts to everybody and, you know, not much would be, expected. But I was pleasantly surprised that people are. I’d say nobody stands out as far as the leader of the group. The leadership is shared amongst the various people in the group, and it’s focused on a lot of just listening. Nobody is a master of advice. And you come to the group, you talk about things that are good in your week, things that are challenging in your week. And surprisingly, I get a lot of positive feedback just by listening to other, people sharing their stories. Because, number one, men don’t share a lot of stories about themselves. We’re kind of like, let’s fix it. Not, let’s get into the emotions and trials of what you’re going through. And each of us comes from a pretty diverse background. None of us have a, mirror image of a child with the same exact disability. And the circumstances of families, large families, small families. It’s often very hard to find commonality in this group. And this is such a unique experience. It’s hard to get other people that don’t have a similar shared experience to talk about it. I have a friend, down in Westchester that I’m still close to. He has a son with cerebral palsy. Slightly different, you know, diagnosis and all that, but that’s the closest that I’ve ever had to somebody I can bond with and talk about. You know, it’s been a great week, or it’s been a bad week up until I got involved with the Special Fathers Network.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. And, you use the word sob fest, right? Like, the thought that came to mind is the Hardship Olympics, right? If dad’s raising kids, moms raising kids with special needs wanted to play the hardship Olympics, hey, you know, knock yourself out. But that’s not what we’ve created. The safe place that we’ve created is try to emphasize in the positive things while addressing the real challenges. Right. That we all face. Thank you for emphasizing that. So what would you say has been the most important takeaway to date, relatively short period experience that you’ve had?

Jordan Jankus: I would think the honesty of the group, you know, that I’ve been welcomed into the group without a lot of, preparation. Other than a brief, summary of my biography, there’s, nobody that, again, stands out as the expert in the group. We’re all walking through different paths of life, but we have challenges. And it can be, you know, as simple as, like when Jessie visits us. I can have a weekend where everything works out great, and I’ll have a weekend where it’s really, really challenging and, you know, you can’t get angry. You have to just deal with it. And where do

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Jordan Jankus: you let off that steam? Lots of times that steam is let off in a relationship with your wife. And that’s not a good thing to do. It’s not conducive to a long term, healthy relationship. So where do you take that anxiety? Where do you go tell somebody that, you know, Jessica fell for the 95th time in her life and injured herself? Unless you find some place that will just listen, not give you advice, not give you a correction. Because I don’t think there is a correction, know, in this lifetime. This is something that, you know, we have to wait for the eternal consult on that. So the opportunity just that I had, just to say I had a weekend. I, I mean, I great. Gave great support and service to my daughter, but, boy, it was a challenging weekend. There’s not many places where you could say that without the cops coming to arrest, you know, It’s a welcome circumstance and I look forward to the weekly meetings now.

David Hirsch: Excellent. So as part of the, Special Fathers Network Mastermind group experience, we read and discuss six books a year and then do a zoom call with the author. And I know that you’ve only been able to be involved with the last couple of books, but, you know, does anything come to mind?

Jordan Jankus: Yeah, there’s that one book. I can’t exactly identify with the circumstances of the author. You know, he was in the Vietnam War. I was on the other side protesting back in the 60s. But you have to admire what he went through. From Zero to Hero is the book. But what I came away from that book, reading the book, is that we kind of had similar experiences. He had experienced trauma in the, form of taking care of his fellow soldiers in extreme circumstances. And only years later did he deal with the stress of that. And that’s not a dissimilar thing to having a child with special needs. Going through the whole discovery process, that you have a lifetime obligation to raise this child, that’s going to be very challenging at times. And how do you deal with those emotions? It’s back to the weekly sessions where we’re talking about inventing that. And, you know, some people in anxiety, they turn to terrible things. They turn to drugs, they turn to alcohol. they turn. Turn to, you know, friends outside the marriage that they shouldn’t get involved with. But constructive ways to deal with it is. In his case, he went through extensive counseling. In our case, we talk to each other and just say, you know, this is a challenging ride. It’s not one that we ever subscribe to or expected, but it’s a challenging ride. There’s some wonderful parts of it, but there’s a lot of challenging things. So PTSD and what he dealt with and what fathers and mothers of children with special needs, it’s not that dissimilar. We’re both dealing with trauma.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Interesting observation. Thank you for sharing. At the, heart of the mastermind group experience is what we call dad in the middle, where two dads per meeting share a challenge they’re wrestling with. What are those dad in the middle segments meant to you and why?

Jordan Jankus: Well, that there’s honesty in saying that there is a challenge in the week, that they’re not sure of what the solution is, and that nobody steps forward and says that they have the magic bullet saying that this is going to fix your life. There might be suggestions. I’ve gone through a similar thing in the past. This is what worked for me. I don’t know whether it’s going to work for you or not, but just the opportunities here say that I don’t presently have a solution to this. Can I just bring it out there? And if anybody has any ideas, great. And sometimes we have no ideas for the person. It’s not part of our lived experience. It’s something outside of that. So you just listen, you encourage the person, you thank them for being honest, and you encourage them to keep, the faith and work their way through it. So I love the idea that nobody is stepping to the fore saying that I am the expert. I’m here to solve it. That’s the diametric opposite. Because when you want to vent, that’s the opportunity. I remember years ago. And this is a wonderful little, vignette from marriage. When my wife would come home, she was in college administration. She would come home and talk about a particular supervisor of hers that was just difficult to work with and she couldn’t stand it. And so the fix it dad said, well, why don’t you get another job? And she said, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel. I’m not looking for a solution. I’m just looking for a

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Jordan Jankus: chance to unburden myself and all my anxiety. And that’s very similar to what we go through with the dead in the middle process. We’re listening, we’re listening. We’re not the plumbers that are here to fix the leak.

David Hirsch: So thanks for sharing. So, regarding the financial commitment, the SFN mastermind group dads invest anywhere from $50 to $200 per month according to their financial wherewithal. What would you say to a dad who’s interested in the mastermind group but concerned about the financial commitment?

Jordan Jankus: Well, you know, I’m retired now, so, you know, we have to watch our, money. But when you go through your monthly subscriptions to Apple TV and all the other things that you do, dinners out, it really is a small price to pay to get involved in the group. I think it’s important that a financial commitment is made because it’s sort of like, you know, you have skin in the game, but just go through your monthly subscription list on your Apple iPhone and to see how much you’re paying for all your services. And when you talk about $50 to $200 a month, you’ll. It’s going to be hard to say that you couldn’t afford it.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Good observation. Thank you. So I’m thinking about advice. What advice can you share with a dad who’s on the fence about joining the mastermind group?

Jordan Jankus: Well, I’ve experienced that there have been several fathers that have been on a couple of calls just getting their feet wet, getting comfortable with the group. And I’d say just give it a try because the benefits you don’t get from the first call, it’s getting familiar with people, getting familiar with the group, and learning what everybody’s particular situation is. And, the benefits really start happening when you’ve been involved for a couple of weeks. I mean, I didn’t have a come to Jesus moment during the first call. It seemed very nice and an honorable thing to do. But now I don’t know if I’ve had a come to Jesus movement. But I know that I’m looking forward to my weekly call now, and it’s become part of my regular routine to stick with it. You know, it’s the same thing as physical, exercise. If you don’t do it on a regular basis, you’re not going to get better. And mental exercise, an obviously stressful thing of raising a child with a special needs. If you don’t continue to talk about it, it’s going to take its toll on your mental and your physical self. So I’d say just try it for a couple of weeks and you’ll find benefits before you even understand what’s happening. You’ll see that there are benefits accruing to you.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thank you for the insight. And it’s not lost on me that you’re one of the more seasoned dads with 45 years of experience raising a child with disability. And when we designed the program, the Special Fathers Network, the mastermind group, for that matter, it was with the younger dads, the guys that, like, two, three, five years into it, right. Those are the ones that have the longest Runway ahead of them, the ones that could potentially benefit the most. And here you are, one of the more seasoned dads, saying, hey, this is really important to me, 40 plus years into it. So I’m hoping that the younger dads who might be listening are getting the message. Right. And that they need to, you know, kick the tires. Right. Attend a meeting, a couple, three, four meetings, and just get a sense for what it is that we’re talking about. And if it’s the right fit, hey, we welcome you with open arms. And if it’s not, hey, no harm, no foul, Right? Thanks for taking a look. Right. At least understanding that there’s a resource that you might not have been aware of. So, again, thank you for making that point. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Jordan Jankus: You talked about my experience and my age and, all that. It’s so important to understand that even at my age, going into my 75th year now, I’m still advocating every day for my daughter, a simple thing, going to the group home, saying, can you please make sure her eyeglasses are cleaned? Because I don’t think you’d like to go through life with dirty eyeglasses or that, you know, her iPad is charged because that’s the way that she gets to communicate with her family, or that her walker that she has is inadequate. She needs one that will suit her needs. So I’m on the phone I’m on email. I’m still advocating, a magic bullet hasn’t come about where because she moved into group home, my problems have been solved. I have this absolute honor of being an advocate for her in life because she can’t advocate in many ways for herself. So, you know, this is a long term commitment and I appreciate the Mastermind group because it makes the continuation of advocacy possible for me even at my advanced age. It’s nice to hear that other people are going through the same thing.

David Hirsch: That’s fabulous. If somebody wants to contact you, what’s the best way to do so?

Jordan Jankus: Best way you

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Jordan Jankus: could, contact me at my email. Jordan Jankus. Jordan.Jankus@gmail.com and you can also check out my Facebook page, Plastic Learning. The idea of that is that I’m trying to make sure that people understand that everyone, including people with cognitive disabilities, continue to learn and that there are very effective things that we can do to help support that learning throughout their lifetime.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that information in the show notes as well as a link to your episode number 311 that you did for the Dad to Dad Podcast. Jordan, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Jordan is just one of the dads who has agreed to be part of the Special Fathers Network mentor program and who who’s also involved with the Mastermind group. For more information on the Special Fathers Network and the Mastermind group, please go to 21stCenturyDads.org additional links can be found in the show notes as well. Jordan, thanks again.

Jordan Jankus: You’re more than welcome, David.

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