355 – Phillip Koontz of Monument, CO, Former U.S. Navy Seal, Author, Entrepreneur & Father of Five Including One with Autism

Transcript:

Tom Couch: Special thanks to Horizon Therapeutics for sponsoring the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Working tirelessly to research, develop and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics mission at horizontherapeutics.com.

Phillip Koontz: You know, it’s easy in our day and age if there’s a child who is quote, unquote misbehaving, or if they’re not doing exactly what you would like for them to do. It’s easy to be punitive, it’s easy to yell at them or to get on them, to talk down to them, to issue consequences. But focusing on good behavior and rewarding good behavior has been really important for us as well too. And so really trying to focus on the strengths, his strengths, rather than just the times that he’s messing up and falling short of our expectations.

Tom Couch: That’s our guest this week, Phillip Koontz, a retired U.S. navy SEAL, former pastor, owner of an online knife company, a public speaker, and the father of five children, including Jacob, who is autistic. Phil has a fascinating story to tell and you’ll hear it on this special Father’s Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi and thanks for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast presented by the Special Fathers Network, a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. The Special Fathers Network Mastermind Group Experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dad’s foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs, meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books and sharing heartfelt challenges. One of the highlights of the year is attending an in-person weekend retreat. We’re launching 10 new mastermind groups in 2024 with 10 dads per group. That means we’re only looking for 10 like-minded dads in each community. If you’re a dad raising a child with special needs, we hope you’ll join a local mastermind group and make the investment to become the best version of yourself. For more information, please see the show notes or simply go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

Tom Couch: Now let’s listen in to this conversation between Phillip Koontz and and David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Phillip Koontz of Monument, Colorado, who is a retired U.S. navy SEAL, combat veteran, a former pastor, is co founder of Buffalo Leadership Academy, owner of an eCommerce business, an author, and perhaps most importantly, the father of five children. Phillip thank you for taking the time to do a podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, David, you’re welcome. Thank you for having me on.

David Hirsch: You and your third wife, Suzanna, have been married for six and a half years, and between you, you’re the proud parents of five children. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, I grew up in Cincinnati, Ohio. I’ve been rooting for the Bengals for a long time. Grew up right there in Cincinnati, Ohio, in College Hill area for about 18, 18 years. So fun fact. Actually, technically, it was only 16 years. I was technically born in Kentucky, right across the Ohio river, and at the age of two, parents moved to Cincinnati, where, I stayed till I went to college. And it was, it was good. It was good growing up in Cincinnati. Kind of the. The good old times. Used to ride my bike for miles and miles, you know, to the YMCA, where I began swimming at the age of 12 and hunting out in the woods. Just had a great time growing up. A lot of freedom that, unfortunately, a lot of kids nowadays, it’s just given the. Given the climate that we’re in, you know, it’s. It’s a little bit more dangerous.

David Hirsch: Absolutely. And, what does your dad do for a living?

Phillip Koontz: My father was a financial advisor. Yep. He was an FA financial advisor for over 30 years.

David Hirsch: And, is your dad still alive?

Phillip Koontz: He is, yeah. He just. He will be celebrating his 73rd birthday in just under a month on Veterans Day, November 11th.

David Hirsch: How would you describe your relationship with your dad?

Phillip Koontz: Relationship, with my dad, I would say, is great. I talk about our pack. You know, a person’s pack. Who are the four or five people that you have in your life that you can be honest and transparent with and vulnerable with that you can really lean on? And my dad is. Is one of those.

David Hirsch: So would he be the leader of the pack, given the fact that he’s your dad or not?

Phillip Koontz: No, I think my wife would be the leader of the pack.

David Hirsch: Correct answer.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. She. She CEO. Right. So, no. just. Just kidding. Everyone has an equal part,

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Phillip Koontz: I would say, in the pack. But, yeah, of course, there’s always some special favorites of my wife there. But my dad’s. He’s a great man.

David Hirsch: So any important takeaways, lessons learned that you think about when you think about your dad?

Phillip Koontz: Hard work, ethic, for sure. You know, he really taught me a lot of what it means to. To work hard, to stick with things. The same thing is true with, with me as a kid, is true with, with my kids now, and I’m sure probably with you as well. So we would try different sports, and he’d be the. The parent that says, well, okay, if you want to. If you want to do T ball, then you have to stick with the whole season. Right. If you want to play soccer, you got to stick with the whole season, you know, and you got to go to all the practices and you got to be there for your team. So, like my kids, with myself, you know, there’s always times where you want to throw in the towel and give up and not go to practice because you’re too tired to rather play video games. Right. But, he’s the one that continue to encourage me to, you know, to work hard, to put my best foot forward, to stick it out. And started to develop, I think, that grit in me that. That was needed then for what would come in my life.

David Hirsch: You know, that’s really important, work ethic. I think what I heard you say was that perseverance, is really important. If you start something, you should, you know, follow through, you should finish. Right.

Phillip Koontz: 100%. Yep.

David Hirsch: And, there’s an expectation that you have and you want to hold yourself to. And that’s. That’s a good thing. I’m wondering if there’s, any influence that your grandfather’s had, first on your dad’s side and then your mom’s side.

Phillip Koontz: I would say yes. On my dad’s side, one of my grandfathers, we owned a cabin up in Canada. We would go up there to spend a large portion of the summers together. And my grandfather was very handy with his hands, so he would fix everything. I mean, he pretty much had that. That cabin running on, generators, and we had, you know, electricity and, water we would have pumped through the lake into the storage container in the back. And I mean, just very handy with. With everything. So, he taught me a lot as far as just working with my hands. He would make different things with me and in his workshop. And he loved to fish. That’s where my love of fishing really came in, was through him and used to just teach me a lot, a lot of things with the outdoors. And then my father’s stepdad was a farmer, so he owned a large farm up in near Asheville, Akron area in northern Ohio. And they had cows and pigs and gardens and chickens and baled hay and, and had alfalfa and it was amazing. So again, just hard work ethic there as well too. Remember waking up early in the morning, four in the morning to feed the cows as a five, six, seven year old?

David Hirsch: Well, thanks for sharing. And I’m wondering if there’s any other men that played an influential role in your life, perhaps as a young guy or as a young adult for that matter.

Phillip Koontz: I think my swim coach, my swim coach did Mike growing up just because I swam so much, nine practices a week, and spent a lot of time in the pool. So he definitely influenced me and pushed me appropriately. Really helped me to hone that perseverance, that grit, that determination, that no quit mentality in swimming. I talk about that some in my book as well too. So I would see. But between my father, my grandfather’s Mike, who was kind of a second father to me, just because the sheer amount of time that I spent there at the pool.

David Hirsch: So my understanding was you went to Miami University, you were a swimmer, and you took a BS in Marketing and business. I’m, wondering where did your career, take you?

Phillip Koontz: So once I graduated from Miami, I was recruited to the northeast, to Wilton, Connecticut where I was working with a company called News America Marketing. They were a subsidiary of Fox Energy Entertainment. So I was in charge of print and in store media and certain clients that were there. So I was in Connecticut, had clients there in Connecticut clients, over in the city as well too, in New York City. And it was okay, you know, the majority of my days, 95% of my time was spent in a cubicle. I was in an entry level position, not quite where I wanted to be yet. and the road there was, was a pretty long road to get ultimately where I wanted to be as a director. And you know, wearing a suit and a tie, stuck in a cubicle, you know, at the age of 21 years old, was not really what I had envisioned. I got a crash course in corporate America in my early 20s and decided, you know what, this just isn’t for me. I can’t see myself doing this and remaining happy, joyful and content in the midst of this profession.

David Hirsch: So what was it that prompted you to leave and what was the transition to the next aspect of your career?

Phillip Koontz: I think what prompted me to leave was simply just being uncomfortable, was not being happy and having the foresight, luckily at that young age, having the perspective of if I stay in this profession long enough, then, you know, eventually I will probably not really be happy and could be, you know,

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Phillip Koontz: experiencing a midlife Crisis in my 40s like a lot of men do. So luckily I was able to pull the trigger and to gracefully bow out of corporate America at that time. You know, growing up, I love the water. Obviously had the swimming background. the military had always been pretty attractive to me, especially the Special Forces, just being that higher intensity type level. And so the Navy seals made a lot of sense to me at that point.

David Hirsch: So did you know somebody that was a Navy SEAL or what was it that prompted you to throw your hat in the ring?

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, actually, I never knew. Had no idea really what a Navy SEAL was other than the fact that they liked the water, they scuba dived, they shot guns. You know, they were the elite, the Special Forces. Yeah, I’m not one of those kids that always grew up wanting to be a Navy seal. but knowing that it was something elite, it was something that was going to push me in all facets of my life. That was attractive to me. And then having a swimming background was, was important.

David Hirsch: So, where did you start, your Navy SEAL experience and, how did that transpire?

Phillip Koontz: Well, I guess everyone’s Navy SEAL experience starts in boot camp, so everybody in the Navy has to go to boot camp right there in the Great Lakes. And so I went there for eight weeks, and then after that I could, you know, transition and then go to a pre BUDS or an indoc, where we went to San, Diego and continued to train there before we, we classed up.

David Hirsch: And which class did you start in?

Phillip Koontz: I was in Bud’s Class 253. And Buds is held west coast in Coronado, California. Once you pass Bud’s and then pass sqt, SEAL Qualification training, which is an additional six months held right there in Coronado, California. Once you get pinned, your trident after sqt, you are officially a Navy seal. And then at that point, you can pick what coast you want to be stationed at. but all the training is right there, west coast.

David Hirsch: And did all your training take place there or did you end up on the east coast as well?

Phillip Koontz: So all of my training took place in Coronado, California. And then once I got pinned, my trident, or my bird is what we like to call it. So, once I got pinned my bird, I chose then to go east coast. Well, and then they put me on Seal Team 10. So you get to pick what coast you want to be stationed at, and then they pick what team that they want to stick you in.

David Hirsch: Okay, and you were on Seal Team 10?

Phillip Koontz: From what I remember, correct, yep. Seal Team 10. I showed up about a month after the Marcus Luttrell lone Survivor Operation Red Wings, situation went wrong. So as of that date In June of 2005, that was the largest loss life in Naval Special Warfare. And I showed up then to SEAL Team tanks. Seal Team 10 were those members that were in that Chinook that got shot down coming in to rescue Marcus and his fire team. And that was, the largest loss of life in Naval Special Warfare up to that date where Those SEAL Team 10 members lost their life. And I showed up to seal team 10 then to take the place of those guys. About, about a month after that, it happened.

David Hirsch: Holy moly. Well, just drill down a little bit on your Navy, experience, SEAL Team experience. what would you think is the, most, dangerous situation you found yourself in?

Phillip Koontz: Well, David, I can’t give away too much. Right. Because I share that in some of my presentations. Right. So we went on 78 different missions while we were overseas. And, there’s four different missions set. So all of them have their moment of things that can go wrong. Right. So we were on several missions where we got into a firefight with the enemy. But if we’re doing our jobs well, we’re maintaining the element of surprise. And so there’s four different mission sets that we can go on. Hostage Rescue is one. SNR Surveillance and Reconnaissance is another one. A DA or direct action. And that’s mostly what we went on. And, then the last one, if you watched the movie about Benghazi, it’s basically like being a glorified security guard. So we primarily went on all DA’s direct action. So they’re very quick, they’re very aggressive. You grab your guys and get off target as quickly as possible.

David Hirsch: So what was it that prompted you to leave, and what was the transition to the next aspect of your career?

Phillip Koontz: I’m a part of a community called the SFF, which stands for the SEAL Future Foundation. And they, they exist to help support team guys getting out. whether it’s mental, physical health, they come alongside guys and get us the help that we need. On the physical side, it could be resume writing, it could be looking for a job, it could be support for family. So there’s a lot of different modalities that the SFF that they encompass, where they help guys getting out. One of the things that I contribute to that ease of transition, it wasn’t really easy, but it was easier for me

00:15:00

Phillip Koontz: because of my faith and because, I knew Who I was at identity was, was deeply rooted in me, and it was pretty rock solid. So I think when guys get out that have that strong identity of who they are and whose they are, I think that that transition becomes a lot easier. The guys that don’t have that, they kind of go through that identity crisis and like, oh, my gosh, who am I? I’m no longer a seal. What am I? You know, what am I going to do? Who am I? Type type of questions. And that’s where a lot of that hopelessness, some of that regret comes into play. And then some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms unfortunately start to emerge, or become more pronounced. So it’s tough for those guys who don’t have a solid faith background. but for me, I got out honorably discharged, and I entered into a contract with a group called nek. It was an SF run organization that was basically like a Blackwater, a contracting type of organization. So I did sensitive site exploitation for a couple of years after my time in the teams, and then that contract dried up and I’m like, okay, what am I gonna do now? What am I gonna find? And it was really kind of miraculous how the whole thing ended up panning out and playing out. I grew up in the Vineyard Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. My dad was still attending there. And there was in the bulletin that week, he happened to just notice there was a community life pastoral position that was open at the church. So he said, hey, you know, I think you might be a good fit for this. So I applied for the position. And little did I know at the time there was another candidate, that they were 95% sure that they were going to pull the trigger with this guy. He had his PhD and divinity. Just blew me out of the water. Thirty years of pastoral experience, and it was like a David versus Goliath kind of thing. He definitely was way more qualified than me. But, you know, then there’s also God. You know, God has a say so in this. And they, they prayed about it. The pastoral staff there at the Vineyard Church in Cincinnati, they prayed about it. And the Community Life pastoral team already had three guys on it, so they were looking for one more, which was me. As they were praying about it, they’re like, you know what? We just sense that God wanted, us to hire you, Phil, someone who been inundated with a lot of ministry experience and maybe tainted in that way, and hire someone who was of a different mindset, kind of a fresh, you know, mindset coming into pastoral ministry. So Anyways, long story short, I ended up getting the position and moved the family to Cincinnati, Ohio, where I was a community life pastor there at the Vineyard Church in Tri county for about two years. And then that pastoral position, they were doing some reorganization there in the church due to budget reasons, and so ended up taking another job then as a community life pastor out in Aurora, Colorado, with the Vineyard Church. And so that’s what led me out here to Colorado, which is where we. We live today.

David Hirsch: That’s amazing. There’s not too many people, I think, that have gone from being a, U.S. navy SEAL to, pastoring.

Phillip Koontz: Not many of us. Yeah. One guy I was actually talking to. I don’t even know if this is appropriate to say this on your podcast, but I’m going to say it anyway. So one person said, phil, it’s like you went from a stripper to a nun, you know, from a Navy SEAL to a pastor. Like, what in the world? How does that happen to me? It made a little bit more sense. God just moved me from the physical fight to the spiritual fight. And let’s be honest, the spiritual fight for our souls is so much more costly than the physical fight that we go through at times. And so that, I think is just the direction that the Lord wanted me to turn and to go in was to start helping people to understand what it means to fight for what really matters. Family, faith, your life, your soul, you know, your future, the choices that you make.

David Hirsch: So, yeah, well, that’s a very vivid image of a stripper and a nun, so thank you for sharing that.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah. Right.

David Hirsch: And, where is the third leg of your career now?

Phillip Koontz: So, third leg of my career, the pastoral position that I had in Aurora, Colorado. I was there for a couple of years as well. Then I felt God tapping me on the shoulder saying, hey, it’s time to go back to school and utilize your GI Bill. So I went to Denver Seminary, where I got my master’s in leadership. And that was back. I finished in 2014. And right at the tail end of earning my master’s, my dad calls me up and says, hey, I’d love to hire you, fly you back out to Cincinnati to speak to a bunch of my clients. Right. Because he’s a financial advisor. So you wanted me to do a client appreciation event for him. And, I was like, okay, that’s great, dad. Just as long as you pay me. Right? So the rest is kind of history. I showed up out there, I had a presentation prepared, and it went pretty good. And I’m like, okay, you know, like, I can kind of see myself doing this. And, once I get over the fear of talking in front of people. And so that was kind of the germination. That was kind of

00:20:00

Phillip Koontz: the genesis of my speaking career now, which I’ve been doing for about ten and a half years. Time’s gone by quick, so it was been, about just over 10 years that I’ve been speaking. And, like I said, I’ve got my book out there. I’ve wrote the book the Truth Behind My Trident, which we’ve talked a little bit about in this. In this podcast here. And then, yeah, I just. And then about two years ago, I don’t know if you’re going to transition into this, but two years ago I had the opportunity to purchase a knife company, so I did that as well. Why not, right? What the heck? Don’t have anything better to do during COVID so I might as well purchase a e Commerce knife business. it does have a cool story though behind it. So in the SEAL teams, I used a knife called a Karambit knife. So it’s K A R A M B I T Karambit knife and loved it so much. It’s what I still carry today. I’ve been showcasing this knife throughout the 10 years of public speaking. And eventually I just started buying a bunch of knives. I’d go to Karambit.com and buy a bunch of knives and sell them at my gigs. It’s kind of like a wholesaler. Make a little side hustle right while I’m speaking. And, eventually the owner, about five years later, calls me up and says, hey, you’ve been a really loyal customer of mine, Phil, over the last several years, and I know what your background is and the cool story that this knife has had in your life as a part of your life. And just letting you know, I’m selling the company. What. What do you think? And it’s been a real blessing since then. So my. My business partner, William Simpkins is on the east coast there in Ashburn, Virginia. And together we co own Karambit.com and, if there’s anyone listening who would like to help support us, that would be amazing. We’re looking actually for some investors right now for the company because we don’t pay the SBA any more money than we have to. So it’s a little bit of a sore spot for me right now, David. But it’s a variable rate and this economy is just. It’s slowly choking us to death. So that’s the new direction that we’ve actually turned with the knife company is love to get out from underneath this SBA loan and crowdfund this or private fund it through an angel investor. So that’d be a lot of fun for us. But we’ll see. It’s all in God’s hands at this point.

David Hirsch: Your first wife’s name is Danielle, and I’m, wondering if you could begin there and share with how you met.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, so we met out in Connecticut. We met in Connecticut at a church, Blackrock, in Bridgeport area. So we got married. Let’s see, I went to boot camp. After boot camp, we went, went to Tampa, Florida. My cousin lived out there at the time, got married in Tampa and then honeymooned out to San Diego. So we honeymooned all across I10 going from east to west and then got out to San Diego. And she was just really super supportive. She was a nanny while she was out there in Connecticut and always wanted kids and a family. And it was tragedy struck after first phase that I was in buds. After first phase and after six months of being married, she was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. And everything in our world really flipped upside down, really turned upside down at that point. A lot of questions, a lot of arguing with God, a lot of temper tantrums, adult temper tantrums. As I’m questioning God and wondering what in the world is going on and the purpose for all of it. And she fought it for four hard, long years. She was diagnosed at 28 and passed away at 32, the day before Valentine’s Day in 2008. And the Lord really taught me a lot about his sovereignty during those four years in really wrestling with the purpose behind her diagnosis and ultimately her passing. And so yeah, I am the only guy that I know that has ever gone through Bud’s Basic Underwater Demolition seal. It’s ah, our school that we have as in Naval Special Warfare to become a seal. It’s got the reputation of the hardest military training training in the world. But the only guy that I know that’s gone through buds while simultaneously then trying to support a wife who was fighting for her life with stage four breast cancer. I look back on it, David, I have no idea how even he actually made it through. I mean it was by the grace of God alone that I was able to compartmentalize, that I was able to really, I think straddle both worlds of trying to be a supportive husband while going through buds and the atrocity that even it in and of itself was mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and then dealing with helping Danielle and trying to support her

00:25:00

Phillip Koontz: and the weight that that had on me as well, as far as mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually as well, too. So kind of fighting two battles on two different fronts, if that, if that makes sense.

David Hirsch: You know, I’ve got, five kids. They’re, 28 to 35. Right. So it’s just mind boggling to think that I would lose one of my kids at such an early age. And, where did life take you from there?

Phillip Koontz: From a family standpoint, once she had passed, I remained on SEAL Team 10 for a while, and then I then, then transitioned to a land warfare instructor. So I was out in Fort Chaffee, Arkansas as a land warfare instructor out there, and was out there about a year into it. I had met my, my ex wife out there out in town. And, yeah, it was, it was a challenging. It was a challenging marriage. I won’t get into too many details there because I don’t want to point fingers or I’m very healed and very, very much at peace. And things, are good now, but things weren’t good for those eight years. It was a high conflict, nine years, high conflict marriage and eight different counselors. And the best thing that came out of that marriage, bar none, were my two children, Zadik and Bria. They’re just world changers and they love me to death, and I love them and just. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. But you know how it is. You know, there’s a lot of times, I mean, I think the statistically is 50% of marriages end up in divorce. And it was very hard. It was very challenging. Both had contribution in the marriage, and it was hard. It certainly is hard, though, when one person is willing to work on themselves and really look at the hard truth and look at the good, bad, and the ugly. And to really come to terms with man, I need to make some significant changes in my life. But it’s hard to have a marriage when really only one person is willing to work and to move forward with growth and healing regardless of the pain that it might take. Yeah, it was hard.

David Hirsch: You know, you’re very fortunate to be able to, say that you fathered two children. So that’s fabulous.

Phillip Koontz: That’s right.

David Hirsch: And, how did you meet Suzanne? And, what does that, blended family look like today?

Phillip Koontz: Yeah. So Suzanna is. Suzanna is an amazing, amazing human being on every front possible, in every way possible. Just to give you a Snapshot. She’s actually flying out tomorrow morning to run a marathon in Hartford to re qualify for Boston, which she’s qualified for several times. And so she’s hardcore. She’s a runner, she’s into fitness, she loves Jesus. she is devoted to her kids. She’s a sacrificial wife. She is just all around, just in a remarkable human being. And I couldn’t be happier. I really couldn’t. She and I had always joked around like the first two years or like the honeymoon phase, right? But we’re like, screw that. We’re going to have like 30 years of honeymoon phase, right? So we’re six and a half years going strong in our honeymoon phase. And you know, everything’s not cupcakes and rainbows all the time, right? Marriage takes work at times, but it was so eye opening to me, so refreshing to me when I was married to Suzanna. And I’m like, wow, marriage doesn’t have to be like really hard work every day. Like you can actually enjoy being married, you know. And so it’s great to be married to my best friend. We met at the YMCA of all places, right there in Monument, Colorado. she was working out, I was working out. We became friends and kind of knew of each other for several, several months, probably eight months, and then didn’t see each other for a long time. And I was like, well, yeah, I wonder where she went. But you know, I guess best of luck to her. And then all of a sudden, you know, lo and behold, we ended up running into each other at the movie theater one night. She was with her kids, I was with mine. Seeing the same movie, the same theater. And it was spur of the moment for myself and my two kids. We were literally driving by the movie theater. They’re like, hey, let’s go see the Lego Ninjago movie, dad. Like, let’s go see it right now, come on. And I’m like, okay, know, like, calm down. And so just randomly went into this theater that we never been to before and there she was with her kids. And so we’re like, holy crap. Like, what’s going on? So kind of, I don’t know if you would call it a divine, you know, moment, but it was neat kind of running into each other in that setting after having not seen each other for a long time. And it was, it was neat. So that kind of rekindled our friendship and then it grew into a relationship and we got married. So the rest is history.

David Hirsch: I love it. Thanks for sharing and just, really happy for you that, you’re in a better place, from, a relationship standpoint because, you know, that relationship, that husband, wife relationship, is a game changer.

Phillip Koontz: It is.

David Hirsch: It can be a game changer in a positive way, and it can be a game changer in a not so positive way.

Phillip Koontz: 100%. 100%. Yeah. I was not the best version of myself with my ex

00:30:00

Phillip Koontz: and, and definitely made some decisions. It was like, oh, man, you know, I regret those decisions as well too, as we all have regrets, but it really does make a big difference. It can make or break you, you know, who you’re married, to. So Suzanna has definitely helped me become a better man.

David Hirsch: You know, you’re thriving, right? It’s pretty obvious that you’re thriving. And, I can’t wait to meet her as a fellow marathoner, triathlete, you know, endurance, athlete, you know, I’m, always curious to know what makes people tick.

Tom Couch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin. Thank you. Now back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: So let’s switch gears and talk a little bit about special needs. What is your son’s diagnosis and do you know how it came about?

Phillip Koontz: He has been diagnosed with ADHD and he is on the spectrum, the high functioning spectrum, of autism. And it came about so over Covid, of course, schools were shut down and he was on computers, as was every kid. And that’s when his school and his concentration, everything just started to tank. And Suzanna would say she knew of his diagnosis. She knew way before he was even diagnosed. I mean, she knew at the age of 4 years old that there were differences in how he would respond and behave from food to social interaction. And it wasn’t until around the age of 13, 14 that he was actually diagnosed. And so at that point we pulled him out of school. well, we, I mean, it was, it was hanging on by, by the skin of our teeth, for, for the rest of COVID and just white knuckling, you know, the whole online schooling. And then after Covid, we decided to transition him into a couple of different types of schools that could Meet his needs a little bit better as an individual. A very smart individual, very capable individual, but also very impulsive, you know, as well, very easily distracted and with just low intrinsic motivation. It’s been a journey for us, for Suzanna and I, as we have strove to really parent him in a loving, supportive, yet firm, you know, holding to boundaries as well, in a firm way. Way.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing. I think that, Suzanna is very fortunate to have you to help shoulder the experience because, each of these situations as it relates to individuals, on the spectrum, are different. Right. If you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism, right. It’s not like there’s one solution, right? You do this and you get that. You know, it’s a. Like a Rubik’s Cube cube. We are looking for the solution, but in some cases, you know, I don’t know that there’s a solution. Right. There’s just things that you could be doing to help, I think, put up some guardrails and, help get somebody through different, stages of their life. Right. And help them develop coping mechanisms. Because you’re not always going to be there. Right. They’re going to have to make decisions for themselves. So, I really admire, your, commitment, your parenting commitment. Has there been any meaningful advice that you’ve gotten along the way that you can reflect on and say, oh, yeah, that’s really made a difference?

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, there has been a number of different times that we’ve, been able to really get some good advice from teachers, from friends. One of those is, you know, you gotta let him make some decisions and kind of live with the consequences as well. Right. So you need to support him in his autonomy as he gets older. Support him in his autonomy and then kind of let some of those, those bad choices, you know, not that are going to harm him, of course, you want him to be safe. But as he’s making choices, like with money, for example, you know, and maybe spending something more than he should, or being impulsive and then buying something and then, you know, wanting to buy something later, but then not having the money and just needing to kind of walk him through those types of consequences, and those real lessons has been valuable for us. And then also affirming him, him. You know, it’s easy in our day and age, if there’s a child who is quote unquote misbehaving, or if they’re not doing exactly what you would like for them to do, it’s easy to be punitive it’s easy to yell at them or to get on them, to talk down to them, to issue consequences. But focusing on good behavior and rewarding good behavior has been really important for us as well, too. And so really trying to focus on the strengths, his strengths, rather than

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Phillip Koontz: just the times that he’s messing up and falling short of our expectations.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, who likes to be reminded of their weaknesses? No one.

Phillip Koontz: That’s right.

David Hirsch: Very insightful. Thank you. Not, to focus on the negative, but what have been some of the biggest challenges that you’ve encountered related to the situation so far?

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, for me, it’s been more of an attitude. More of an attitude. The lack of motivation, the lack of intrinsic motivation, specifically the impulsivity. The. I don’t want to do this. And so I don’t want to go to school today. So I’m just gonna. So we drop him off at school, and he just sits and refuses to work or pretends like he’s falling asleep in the corner of the room. It would be a perceived laziness if I wasn’t reminding myself of who he is and some of the struggles that he has. So for me, it is not allowing my buttons to get pushed of this. Oh, my gosh, this kid is just so lazy and so irresponsible and, you know, fill in the blank. And therefore, I get heated, I get upset, I lose my cool. But rather them having perspective, and that’s another thing, too, is just reminding yourself what their world looks like through their eyes and having empathy, empathy, empathy, empathy all day long. And that doesn’t mean sympathy like, oh, I feel sorry for him, but whatever, suck it up. But it’s empathy. It’s identifying the emotions that are within someone and really connecting with those emotions. And that doesn’t mean a allowing them to walk all over you, because sometimes they will. They will take advantage of that. So having boundaries, but then also having empathy, too, for them in the situation, in the world that they’re living in. So that’s been challenging for me to slow down, to breathe, to take some breaths, to take some time, to have some empathy, remind myself of some of his struggles, and that it isn’t necessarily just defiance, although sometimes it is. It’s not just direct defiance and laziness that we’re fighting against. It’s the diagnosis that he has.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. It sounds, like a challenging situation. And I think what makes it even more challenging, because he’s the oldest, is that, autism might be part of it, but he’s a teenager. Right. And, you know, we struggle. Right. As teenagers, some more so than others. And, it’s hard to really appreciate or understand, you know, where does the teenage phase of what’s going on, you know, intersect with overlap, dovetail into, you know, what’s going on, if you will, from the autistic diagnosis. And, that makes it quite a bit more complex.

Phillip Koontz: Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. He wants his autonomy like every other teenager does, for sure. But he needs to realize, though, that developmentally, he’s also several years behind as well, too. So figuring out how much of that freedom to give to him and how much of a say so to give to him, him. And as he continues to get older, it’s very important.

David Hirsch: Absolutely. So I’m sort of curious to know what impact this has had on your marriage or as siblings or your extended family, perhaps, for that matter.

Phillip Koontz: Siblings, my kids. As a blended family, we have been spared a lot of the horror stories that you hear from blended families. So our blended family is very tight knit, very close. And they embrace Jacob, they love him, embrace him with, his diagnosis, with flaws and all. We all have flaws, as we all have areas of growth that we need to continually work on in our deficiencies. So they embrace him. They embrace him and they understand what life looks like for him. And certain times of the day are easier than others, to understand that for him depends on the time of the day and when his medicine’s wearing off and all that. and then with Suzanne and I try to just remain very, supportive with her. But, yeah, there’s been moments of frustration, moments of exasperation with Suzanna and I. And I think it’s important to realize in a marriage relationship, in a covenant relationship, that you can be upset with an individual and need to be able to have a safe place to verbalize that without the other parent necessarily getting offended or for mama or Papa Bear to come out and become defensive for that person. But just to be a safe place, as a good sounding board, you know, to be able to voice some frustration at times. Yeah.

David Hirsch: Well, it sounds like you’re in a good place. The lines of communication seem to be pretty wide open and you can express yourself, which is super important, and to show one another some grace.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah.

David Hirsch: Well, thanks for being so open and, sharing about that. I’d like to drill down on your book a little bit. the Truth Behind My Trident, came out a handful of years ago. And, what was it that motivated you to write the book?

Phillip Koontz: Basically wrote the book that I wish I would have read before I went to Bud’s. So a little bit of the underbelly of the SEAL teams, a little bit of what is an average, average day in the life really look like? Because

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Phillip Koontz: Hollywood does a good job of portraying the missions that we go on. However, the missions that we go on is about 3% of our time spent as Navy SEALs. The other 97% is what I wanted to portray as I pulled back the curtain to show the general public what a day in the life of a Navy SEAL looks like and some of the struggles, you know, that we have in the community.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, I think you did a brilliant job. I really, really enjoyed reading the, the book. And, interspersed, within here, are some pearls of wisdom.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah. So that’s kind of a combination of just my life experience along with some things that I’ve also learned along the way. There’s a lot of times that people make mistakes, myself included. And the biggest thing that. The biggest difference, the thing that makes all the difference in the midst of all of that is grace. Having grace with one another in the SEAL teams, which I didn’t really experience a lot of, and there’s a lack of grace there. And, you know, understandably, I think there needs to be grace when it’s appropriate, and then there needs to be, you know, you need to pay the man when it’s also appropriate. because people can make some pretty big mistakes, which can lead to some serious consequences. But in life, you know, those stakes aren’t quite so high. And so having grace with one another in the midst of our humanity, when it’s on full display and when we’re not being the best versions of ourselves, I think it’s very important to have grace with one another and to recognize that no one is perfect. And we all need grace. We all need forgiveness at times. And so, you know, being man enough, being woman enough to say I’m sorry, to take ownership of the times that we mess up, to offer forgiveness, to ask for forgiveness, that’s definitely being a very mature, ah, leader and human being.

David Hirsch: Absolutely. So I’m thinking about advice now, and I’m wondering what type of advice you can share with parents, maybe specifically dads.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah. I read a statistic the other day that I think just puts an exclamation point behind my thought here. And that is the average amount of time that dads spend with their kids nowadays. This is daily. The average amount of time that they spend with their kids every day is around 12 minutes.

David Hirsch: Geez.

Phillip Koontz: Which blows my mind. It Blows my mind. And so my advice to parents, and specifically to dads is, is put down your cell phones, close the computer, be very intentional with the time that you get to spend with your loved ones, because no one is ever on their deathbed wishing for another sale or another day in the, office. It’s always more time with their families and with their loved ones. So being intentional, spending that good quality time, I don’t care how tired you are. The language of children is play, play. That is, if you play with your kids, that will speak so much love and appreciation and concern for them. They love to play. Whether it’s wrestling, whether it’s playing Legos, where it’s building things, whether it’s coloring, whether it’s playing, a board game, whether it’s going on a walk, whether it’s skipping, whether it’s chasing them around a playground. I mean, whatever it is, you know, and as they get older, of course, that play, what that looks like changes a bit, but it’s still. They still want to play. They still want to play with you and spend time with you. So, yeah, be very intentional with the time you get to spend.

David Hirsch: Good advice. why is it that you’ve agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Phillip Koontz: Because I simply want to come alongside of you and other men to be able to help them, do our jobs better. We have a divine calling as a father, and we only get one chance to really get it right. And it’s important that we link arms with one another, that we have community with one another, that we have other men that we can feel safe with, that we can ask questions that we can be transparent with, that, can really help hold us accountable and vice versa in this fight to raise our kids in the society that we find ourselves in nowadays. It is a fight. It’s fighting for the good. And to help keep towing that line of raising our kids to be good and godly men and daughters of God, too. Right? Yeah. Yeah. 100% godly men and godly women for 100%. Yep. Yeah. Thanks for having me on, this podcast, David. It’s been an honor and a privilege to spend the last hour or so with you, so thank you.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Phillip Koontz: You know, I think we’ve kind of covered the basics. Yeah, definitely. I would say visit the website. You know, Christmas is coming up. Grab a knife, and, if you would like to, I am always available to hire for whatever kind of industry, whatever kind of gatherings is out there, love to be a part, of that as well too. So this is how I put food on the table for my family. So it’s a small business,

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Phillip Koontz: disabled, veteran owned business. And, I just really appreciate the love and support that I get continually from the men and women across this country. And, I can’t thank them enough.

David Hirsch: If somebody wants to learn more about your work or contact you, what’s the.

Phillip Koontz: Best way to do so, my website, My website is my name phil, philkoontz.com P H I L K O O N T Z philkoontz.com.

David Hirsch: Phillip, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Phillip is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, please go to 21stCenturyDads.org. Thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dads foundation is a 501c3 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a tech sectoral contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Phillip. Thanks again.

Phillip Koontz: Yeah, thank you, David, for having me on. It’s an honor and a privilege and looking forward to our paths crossing again in the future.

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturydads.Org.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to Facebook group facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david@21stcenturydads.org.

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch. Thanks again to Horizon Therapeutics who believe that science and compassion must work together to transform lives. That’s why they work tirelessly to research, develop and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics at horizontherapeutics.com.

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