357 – Craig Parks of San Diego, CA A Professional Musician, Band Leader, Camp Director, Author & Father Of Two

Transcript:

Tom Couch: Special thanks to Horizon Therapeutics for sponsoring the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Working tirelessly to research, develop and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics mission at horizontherapeutics.com.

Craig Parks: I’m so grateful for Jonah. He’s truly an amazing, amazing young man. He’s not had an easy journey at all, but he’s an incredible musician and he loves giving other people joy. Right? He didn’t get a high school diploma, he’ll never get a college degree. He’s currently living in a group home. You know, these are not things that you envision when you become a parent, but I learned to let go a long time ago of how it should look and try to embrace what it actually is. And I’m really, really proud of my son. And the love that we have is like crazy deep, crazy beautiful. 

Tom Couch: That’s a taste of the music of our guest this week, Craig Parks. A professional musician, camp director, author and father of two, including Jonah, 20, who has multiple issues. We’ll hear Craig’s story and about his musical journey on this Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Two short messages. First, I’d like to thank those who donated more than $1,000 to the 2024 cycle to end Father Absence Campaign. In alphabetical order, they are Ina Byrd, Irene and Tom Costello, Kim Duchessois, Damian Navarro, Brad Surratt, Don Stadler and UBS Financial Services. We’re close to reaching our $50,000 goal and we can use your help. If you haven’t already done so, would you please consider making a tax collectible contribution? You can do so by going to 21stCenturyDads.org. Secondly, the Special Fathers Network Mastermind Group Experience is one of the most comprehensive programs the 21st Century Dads foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs. Meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books and sharing heartfelt challenges. One of the highlights of the year is attending an in-person weekend retreat. As you think about the year ahead, I invite you to join one of the existing or soon to be formed Special Fathers Network Mastermind Groups and join a group of like-minded dads to become the best version of yourself. It might just transform your life and it has done so for so many Others. For more information, please see the show notes or simply go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

Tom Couch: Now let’s listen to this tuneful conversation between guest Craig Parks and host David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Craig Parks of San Diego, California, who is a professional musician, band leader, camp director, author, and father of two, including one with special healthcare needs. Craig, thank you for taking the time to do a podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Craig Parks: My pleasure, David. Really great to be here with you.

David Hirsch: You and your wife Rachel have been married for 23 years and are the proud parents of two children, Nashaman, 10, and Jonah, 20, who has multiple issues including autism, anxiety, and attention. So let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Craig Parks: So, I grew up in the San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles. I have two older brothers. And in many ways, it was kind of the traditional mom stays at home, raise the kids, and dad works his tail off to provide for the family. It was very much that kind of traditional roles. So I think it informed me a lot in terms of my own choices in my own life, very much in reaction to what I witnessed with my own parents and with my own dad.

David Hirsch: So what type of work did your dad do?

Craig Parks: So my dad, became a CPA. And it’s interesting because his dad, his dad actually died shortly before I was born, so I never got to meet my grandfather. But my dad has told me that his dad was not a very emotionally attuned guy and was not very supportive of. And my dad went to work for my grandfather’s company, but he was just kind of a grunt with no opportunities for any kind of growth. And when my dad was 28 years old, he had two kids and I was on the way. You know, it was unbelievable. He decided to just go back to school, like in his late 20s with already, you know, two kids and a third on the way, and change careers. And I have a lot of respect for him that, that he did that. And he ended up

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Craig Parks: becoming a CPA and ended up getting his own practice. And he worked his tail off, without a doubt, as a man of integrity and hard worker.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, I can identify with the CPA path. That’s what I wanted to be when I was in high school. I wanted to be a big eight public accounting partner. And it took me one year of high school accounting, four years of college accounting, and three years of actually working as an auditor and a tax accountant to realize I don’t think this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But it was a good base to draw from anyway. How would you characterize your relationship with your dad?

Craig Parks: It’s a little bit complex, I think, as most relationships are. First of all, I just want to say I have so much love for my dad, and I have a lot of respect for him. And he grew up in a pretty cold environment. He did not get a lot of great emotional nurturing from either his mom or his dad. And so I think when you’re not shown something, it’s harder to give that. So my dad, one of the ways that he showed his love was there were numerous ways. One way was by working really hard and providing for us. And he really did. He was a man of, deep integrity. And so the way he connected with us also was not so much because his emotional attunement wasn’t very developed even to this day, you know, but it’s clear that he loves us deeply. And so for us, the way we connected was through sports and through comedy and. Right. And through movies, like watching Mel Brooks movies and watching Rams games and Dodgers and Lakers and going to Kings games, and he would take us to games and that kind of thing. I think there’s a part of each. Well, I’ll say for me. but I think for each young man, we kind of long for mentors, someone to kind of take us under their wing and give us life guidance. There wasn’t as much of that, you know, but he’s there for me when I really need him. And he would continue to be. He’s, you know, he’s 84 now, but when I’ve had troubles, he’s sat there and he’s listened to me. He’s been real supportive. He’s a very loving and a very sweet, sweet man. And he has certainly mellowed out as he’s gotten older, too, because I think the stresses of having his own practice, you know, having three kids, you know, him working often seven days a week, it was very, very intense. And as a young boy, watching that and watching his mood and watching his energy, I was very sensitive to it. And in many ways, there was a part of me that felt like, I don’t ever want to be like that in terms of so tense and so easily irritable. And again, he’s mellowed out now as he’s gotten older. But. But growing up, it was like, you don’t want to piss off dad, you know, and, you know, and even mom saying, dad’s Very tired. So let’s not upset him, let’s not anger him. There was a lot of those kinds of messages, you know, which. Which really creates a little bit of a barrier of, like, don’t get too close to dad, you know, but there was also a real playful side of him, too, and a really sweet side and really funny side and a goofy side of him as well. So he’s just either a lot of multidimensional man is what he. He is. And I think I’m still kind of processing the relationship. I think to some degree, the complexity of it never ends.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. it’s a blessing that your dad is still alive at 84. And, what I did hear you say, even though you didn’t use the word presence, you know, he’s been present in your life, Right. You know, from a young age and throughout adulthood. You know, if he was a business owner like you’ve described, and he’s a CPA, no doubt he’s got busy seasons, like, at the end of the year. Tax time is a busy time for CPA. It is a 24/7 type of experience. Right. I can vouch for that. And, you know, each of us has a different relationship with our parents or dads in particular. It’s just great that you’ve been able to perpetuate yours. And, you know, it’ll look different, you know, once he’s passed. Right. So I think embracing him for who he is and the positive attributes like you’ve described is, really important. Right. You’ve been able to learn and, emulate him, maybe copy some of the things that you respect, like his work ethic and the integrity. Those are just really good all around, characteristics to have. And maybe, you know, what I hear you saying is that maybe there’s a lack of balance. Right. You know, maybe that was, you know, too work focused. Right. Which, you know, is just, you know, an observation or being a little judgmental. And most of our emotional, IQs, you know, as we, get older, you know, change or adapt as well. Right. Most men are not emotional creatures. And people of your dad’s era. My dad’s era, he would have been a little bit older if he was still alive. There was less emotional communication. Right. So you just have to respect that from generation to generation, too.

Craig Parks: Absolutely, David. You know, I mean, my dad was born in 1940, you know, and, you know, men were taught, like, you have to be a

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Craig Parks: certain way, and you got to be kind of in this box to be a real man. And there wasn’t a lot of latitude outside of that box. And so I. I understand that he’s a product of his time and just as we are as well. And it’s interesting, David, because I know that my dad actually does have some regrets. Like, he knows that he missed a lot of things. You know, like, sports were big to me, and I was in. I was an all star. I was into a lot of games, and my dad missed most of that stuff. And I know that he. He has regrets around it. but I also know that it’s not like he was just off gallivanting. He was working. He was working really hard, and he’s working to support us, his family. So, you know, I don’t sit here now, as a man in his 50s, looking back with bitterness or resentment. I totally understand what was going on, and I think we both wish that we had had more time together, you know, but that’s not what happened. But, you know, he loves me, and. And he knows that I love him as well. And so there’s no bitterness. Nothing was ever deliberate. He was never intentionally abusive or neglectful. He was just a man working really hard to provide for his family. and we still had some really sweet times as well that I cherish. And that’s had actually a really huge impact on me as well.

David Hirsch: Good to know. So I’m thinking about, other father influencers. You made reference to the fact that your dad’s dad, died at a relatively early age. And, I’m wondering what, if any, influence your maternal grandfather had on your life.

Craig Parks: So he died when I was around 7, and. But he was sick before then, so I don’t really remember him as a healthy man. I remember going to visit him and, you know, at his home, and he was in the hospital bed there. I don’t really even remember him being upright, you know, but I do remember him being very sweet, and I remember him loving us, visiting him, and that he was happy that we would be there. And so I’m left with, you know, kind of more like just feelings of what it was. But, you know, I was seven years old, so, it’s. You know, I wish I’d had more time with him, and I wish I’d gotten to know him when he was, you know, healthy.

David Hirsch: Well, sorry to hear that. Any other father figures, men who played an influential role in your life as a young guy, or perhaps as a young adult for that matter?

Craig Parks: You know, I think that I really, honestly lacked a lot of really good, strong, positive role models and just kind of made my way into the life I ended up creating. And I think to some degree, David, it formed the career choices I made because I have actually been a mentor to so many people. I’ve been working with young people for over 30 years and wanting to kind of be that person that I wish, I’d had in my life.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. Is there anybody else that comes to mind that might have played an influential role?

Craig Parks: Yeah, so later in my life, when I met my wife, I was in my late 20s and her stepfather, who became my stepfather in law. In some ways he was really a good role model for me and a little bit of a mentor. He was very, very generous with me, very accepting right away. And that meant a lot to me to be accepted kind of into the, into the family. You know, he saw the best of me and so that was always deeply appreciated, you know. And, now he actually has dementia and he’s in a facility and I’ll go there and I’ll bring my guitar and play music for him and he’s always so, so happy to, you know, when I go and play music. And I’m happy to be able to provide that.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for mentioning that. I think father in laws do or can play an influential role. Right. After all you’re taking responsibility for, in our case, their daughters. And, that’s a pretty high order. So. Thanks. My recollection was you went to UCSD, you took a bachelor’s degree in communication, and I was wondering, where did you think your career was going to take you and where has it actually gone?

Craig Parks: You know, it’s a great question. so when I was a freshman, I decided I wanted to be a music major. And when I told my parents that, they were less than thrilled about that as a choice. And look, they always encourage my music. Right. They got me piano lessons and guitar lessons and they were huge in terms of having music be a, huge role in my life. But when I told them at the age of 18 they wanted to be a music major, they said, why don’t you minor in it? Because it’s really hard to make a living in music. I mean, it was out of the goodness of their heart.

David Hirsch: It’s a true statement.

Craig Parks: Yeah, yeah, look, they were paying for my college education and I wasn’t in a place, I think emotionally or mentally to be like, well, you know, this is my passion, this is m. My heart. I’m going to pursue it with all my heart. And this is what I want. So I just, I minored in music and I chose communication as a major because I knew, I knew how to read

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Craig Parks: and write and present a good argument in paper. So I didn’t have a whole lot of direction in terms of that. But throughout college, I ended up working at a day camp between my freshman and sophomore year. And I couldn’t believe how much joy it was to actually be a summer camp counselor. And my connection with these kids was. It felt magical and it felt almost mystical. I’d never experienced anything like that. I eventually then became a, counselor at a residential camp that the experience grew even more. And in the meantime I was continuing to play guitar and develop my musical skills as well. And when I finally graduated college, I decided I’m not going straight to grad school. I’m going to do actually what I love to do and trust in the journey and so what I love to do. I loved working with kids and I love music. And so I formed a rock band with the ultimate dream of making it in the music business. And then I started working, right? And then I started working in this program with kids and I wrote a proposal to start a day camp for a JCC. I was 23 years old. They accepted the proposal and I became a very young camp director. And in that time I became a song leader as well. And so I was doing music with kids and I was directing camps and, and I continued to expand my skills as a youth professional and as a musician. And throughout my 20s I was really trying to make it as a rock star, you know, but then in my late 20s when that band, eventually my last serious band kind of went, went out of biz, I decided to get my first full time job as a full time youth director and really became a mentor to a lot of teens. And part of it was music too. Like I created a teen band and I was just doing a lot of stuff with music but with youth. And so my career has always been kind of just kind of following my heart and my soul and creating something that I didn’t even realize was going to be created. But it’s been born out of real passion and real heart. And I ended up creating a pretty good career where I know I’ve had an impact on a lot of people. So that’s been good, it’s been rewarding.

David Hirsch: So I’m sort of curious now because, I’m not very musically inclined but, rock and roll was a big deal. I’m a few years older than you, who was your role model? Who did you want to be more like? What rock band was it that you were looking up to, if you will.

Craig Parks: So when I was a real little kid growing up in the 70s, my first real love was Paul Simon and Simon and Garfunkel and the Beatles. Like I just, I loved, loved the Beatles. but the first actual like, real like band that I just got fully into was the who. There was something about, there was so much energy. And I think that as a teenager also I was, I was pretty alienated and isolated. I didn’t really have much community. I just had a couple good friends. But I was pretty cynical teen. And so that music of the who just spoke to me, the energy and the pounding of Keith Moon’s drums and Pete Townsend’s, both his lyric and his guitar playing. And then when I started playing guitar, you know, Jimi Hendrix was a huge, huge influence. and, and then I got to see, shortly after I started learning guitar, I got to see Stevie Ray Vaughan live. And that changed like everything for me to see somebody that caliber play live. And I got to see him eight times before he tragically died in a helicopter crash. But those are some of my influences. Led Zeppelin and all the classic rock guys that I just loved. And then when I was late teens, early 20s, I got into jazz and started expanding my musical tastes as well.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. I love it. So I’m sort of curious to know, how did you and Rachel meet?

Craig Parks: So I was working at a synagogue and I was the youth director. Actually at that time I was doing part time stuff. I was in a comedy troupe, I was doing music with kids, I was working with special ed part time at a school. I was doing everything to support my rock and roll habit. When we met, it was one of the things I actually really appreciated. One of many things I appreciated about Rachel. She was working for JFS and she was in charge of the whole senior care division. I was working with kids, she was working with seniors and, and one of her social workers who I knew kind of pushed us together. And so when we met, I was in an improv comedy troupe and I was in a rock and roll band and doing all these part time jobs. I think I was making $16,000 a year. And one of the things I really appreciated about Rachel was that she, she loved me. For me it wasn’t, you know, she wasn’t like, well, if you’re not making six figures, I can’t date you. She was, she was good. so Rachel And I met through that, and she appreciated me for who I was. I was barely making

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Craig Parks: any money, but I was really pursuing matters of the heart and soul, so it worked out.

David Hirsch: So let’s talk about special needs first on a personal basis and then, perhaps beyond. And prior to becoming parents, did, you or Rachel have, any connection, directly or indirectly, to the disability community?

Craig Parks: I don’t know if Rachel had much. I had because I had already been a camp director. In being a camp director, there were a number of kids on the autism spectrum, some kids with down syndrome. And also I mentioned that I worked at an elementary school. I was actually a resource aide for three years at an elementary school, working three hours a day, working with kids with special needs. So I definitely had had some. But it’s interesting because it didn’t even occur to me in. When Rachel became pregnant the first time, it didn’t even cross my mind that I would have a kid with special needs. It’s just something I never even thought about. I just figured, cool, we’re gonna have a kid, and I’m gonna get to raise this kid. And that’ll be fun. It’ll have its challenges, but it’ll be great. you know, like, all this experience with kids, I get to just now raise my own. Awesome. And then, that’s not exactly how it worked out.

David Hirsch: So what is Jonah’s diagnosis or diagnose and how did they come about?

Craig Parks: So Jonah is on the autism spectrum, and he also has anxiety and ADHD. And Rachel is a very in tune individual. She’s a very intuitive woman as well. And we were part of a playgroup. And even as early as around 12 months, Rachel was starting to get a sense of that something was a little bit off. Now, this was. Jonah was born in January of 2004. So autism back then wasn’t quite as. It just wasn’t as prevalent back then as it continues to be now. And our pediatrician was like, oh, no, he’s fine, because he wasn’t talking, he was walking, he was running. but there was no talking. And even at 14 months, 15 months in these playgroups, Rachel was noticing these other kids doing a lot of things that Jonah really wasn’t. And so we actually got an at risk for autism diagnosis when he was probably 16, 17 months old. And by 18 months, they wouldn’t actually give an autism diagnosis that young back then. I don’t know if they do now or not, but back then they wouldn’t. But they label him as at risk for autism. And we started getting him occupational therapy and speech therapy, and we just went into action when we got that at risk. So he’s been getting help ever since, and it’s been quite a journey. He didn’t talk until he was well past the age of two.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. the fact that somebody’s non verbal is a red flag. but not, like, catastrophic. right. Some kids are late bloomers. I remember, one of our daughters, our oldest daughter, didn’t walk until she was 2 and would just crawl around. Didn’t have any hair. So, you know, she was this sort of little oddball. And, she grew out of that. Right. You know, you just never know. But, going back to the actual at risk and then maybe the diagnosis sometime later. Did you have any fears? Can you recall, you know, 18 years ago or whatever it was, Conversations that you and Rachel might have had, or concerns now that it wasn’t just, you know, kids at a camp, but this is your own child, your firstborn.

Craig Parks: Oh, my God. Yeah. When we got that diagnosis, it was confusing, it was scary, it was heartbreaking. We kind of had to recalibrate. When you find out you’re going to become a dad or a parent for the first time, you get these images, these visions, right? You think back to your own childhood, what you’ll do differently, what you’ll do the same. And all those things happen. Then when you get the diagnosis, you’re like, oh, all that’s out the window. And for me, one of the scariest parts was to think, I may never hear my own child say Daddy. I may never hear my own child say, I love you. I knew that I was going to be loving up this kid as much as possible, because the moment he popped out, I was thoroughly in love with my boy. Joan and I have a very, very deep, beautiful connection. But those early days, David. Yes, they were very scary. And, you know, if there’s any dads that are listening that has a young child, just know, like, it’s natural to feel that. And you’ll move through a lot of things, and it’s a different journey for everybody. I’ve also facilitated a lot of groups for parents who have kids with special needs. And, you know, the one thing that we did which is not recommended at all is we couldn’t, go to playgroups anymore, and we couldn’t do all these things because as the parents were all, you know, hanging out, talking, and the kids were all playing, we couldn’t just hang out with the parents

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Craig Parks: because Jonah had needs where we couldn’t do that. And so we just. We withdrew and we isolated in many ways and it wasn’t good for anybody, but we just didn’t know what else to do back then. And, we’ve had our share of really, really tough times. Yeah.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. Was there some advice you got early on that helped put things in perspective, maybe that help get you to, a, better place or a better track?

Craig Parks: Well, we worked with a ton of specialists, a ton of behavioral specialists. Right. ABA and floor time and RDI and speech therapists and occupational therapists. So I think that working with professionals who would assure us that there would be progress, that like, things would not stay stagnant, things would not stay the same was helpful. And also, I think also the passage of time and seeing some natural development. But I also know that there are parents out there or dads out there who might be listening, whose kids are on the autism spectrum and they’re non verbal and they may stay that way, but we have really good friends who actually have. They have a teenage kid on the spectrum who’s been non verbal and just in the last year. This kid is now using this computer program that allows her to actually communicate in ways that they never thought they’d be able to get inside of her world. So I do know that it’s important to have hope and it’s important to let go of the vision that you thought it would be. And I will say that even after 20 years, it’s still a process of kind of denial, Acceptance. Denial. Acceptance of certain things. But, I’m so grateful for Jonah. He’s really an amazing, amazing man. He’s not had an easy journey at all, but he’s an incredible musician and he just started his own business teaching kids skateboard. And he’s a great DJ. And there’s a lot of things that bring him joy. And he loves giving other people joy. Right. He didn’t get a high school diploma. He’ll never get a college degree. He’s currently living in a group home. These are not things that you envision when you become a parent. But I learned to let go a long time ago of how it should look and try to embrace what it actually is. And I’m really, really proud of my son. And the love that we have is like crazy deep and crazy beautiful. And I get to play music with him. He’s in a band, one of my bands. And, you know, we speak every day, so I’m really, really grateful.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thank you for, mentioning. You know, he’s really blossomed in so many different ways. And at what age did he start talking? Because you’d mentioned that there was a delay. but you know, it sounds like he might be more, than compensating for his lack of communication early on.

Craig Parks: Well, it’s interesting. He actually was singing before he was talking. I remember when he was in his crib one day I start walking away from his room and I hear, I’m like, that’s a melody. That’s a melody. And it blew my mind. And I knew that he had receptive language before he had expressive language. I remember doing a puzzle with him when he was probably around 19, 20 months old, just the Alphabet. And he was good at puzzles. We always had these six and eight piece puzzles and he was good at doing those. So one day I got out the Alphabet, so a 26 piece puzzle. And he put all the letters back in. And as he picked up each letter, I would say what the letter was and the sound that they made. And he. And we did that two or three times. And after we did it two or three times just to test, I was like, I wonder if he would know. So I’d be like, hey, Jonah, get the letter B. And he ended up picking up the letter B. And I did this with several. And that was the day I knew he understood language. And it was glorious. He didn’t actually start using words until months, months later. But, the day I realized that he could actually understand was really a big day for me. it was really comforting.

David Hirsch: Yeah, that’s beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

Tom Couch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network early into the Intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin. Thank you. Now back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: And not to focus on the negative, but what have been some of the bigger challenges that you’ve encountered, related to Jonah’s, situation?

Craig Parks: Well, Jonah has had a lot of issues around emotional regulation and, and frustration tolerance. And so growing up, there’s. I could take you on a tour of, you know, holes in that in the house and broken appliances and things of that nature and really walking on

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Craig Parks: eggshells, not knowing when there’s going to be an explosion. And what that does to the nervous system of everybody in the house, you know, is a very, very intense, very intense thing. And in fact, well, in October of the pandemic, there was an incident. I won’t go into detail, but, it was very, very intense. And it led to us doing something that we never thought we would actually ever do. And that is we sent Jonah to a residential treatment center for young autistic adolescents because it was no longer safe for him or for us or for his sister. and he ended up being there for a year, and then he moved to another place in Utah, which was a young adult place for young autistic adult. So he was away from us for three years, and he just came back to live in a group home here in San Diego in April. And he grew a lot. Just having that level of therapy every day for three years, and that level of supervision was really key.

David Hirsch: It sounds like it might have been a very difficult decision to realize that you had to do something different, that it wasn’t in a safe place, you weren’t in a safe place as a family.

Craig Parks: It was hard that it came to that, but it wasn’t a difficult decision that it needed to happen. You know, again, nobody dreams of that. And it was a. It was a scary time. It was a hard time, especially figuring out how to tell him and how to get him there. There was a lot that went into that. Luckily, you know, my wife is such a genius in those kinds of things, and she, really helped figure that out. So we got him there and ended up being a really, really great thing because he’s come back. He now, like before, you couldn’t even talk to him about anything that would happen. Because if you talked about anything that happened that was hard for him. It was as if his brain put it that he was back in the actual moment, so he couldn’t deal with it. But he’s matured. And now, like, with all the therapy we can, we can process, we can talk about things now. And look, he still has moments of that, right? He still has his neurology, he still has his challenges, but he has grown. And I’m proud of him for the work that he’s done. But that was necessary for everybody to kind of just chill out and let their nervous systems kind of get back to a baseline that was workable. And now it’s great because he lives 20 minutes from us. I see him every week, I talk to him every day, and he gets to, be a Grown up now.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for your openness and your transparency. it’s a journey. And I think you referenced his neurology. You know, he’s a 20 year old guy and the male brain is not expected to be fully developed until age 25 or so. You know, that’s on average. Right. And there’s still a lot of development along the way. Right. You know, there’s still future development. So, you know, I’m cautiously optimistic that he’ll continue to grow and mature and things that maybe you’re concerned about today, you know, won’t be a concern or years down the road. I’m sort of curious to know what impact Jonah’s, situation’s had on his younger sister, your marriage, or your extended family for that matter.

Craig Parks: I mean, it definitely takes a toll on a marriage. It’s really, really stressful. It’s harder to find joy and moments of joy and moments of connection when everyone’s nerves are shot and you’re walking on eggshells all the time and you don’t know what you’re walking into. But Rachel and I have, we’ve weathered the storm. I think partly Rachel’s a woman of just deep, deep integrity. She’s got an incredible heart, incredible soul. And both Rachel and I are, we’re committed to making it work and we’re committed to the commitment. And in terms of my daughter, you know, my daughter, she is a tough, tough girl, and she’s had to be. You know, the things that she witnessed for the first five or six years are not easy. but her and her brother really love each other a lot. It’s a very, very sweet relationship they have. So I’m really grateful, I’m really grateful for that. I mean, there’s 10 years between them, right? I mean, we got a little gun shy about having a second kid, as you can imagine.

David Hirsch: Shocker. Yeah, that’s a shocker.

Craig Parks: Right? But eventually, you know, I’d wanted to have a second kid when Jonah was around 4 or 5 and Rachel was like, I don’t think I can do this again. And she did a lot of work. And three years after that, she’s like, okay, three or four years. Like, okay, let’s do it. I’m like, you know, we’re really old now, right? But I’m so glad that we did because Nashaman is like, amazing. She’s so fun and she’s interesting and funny and just, she’s helped bring so much more, I think, peace and balance to our family and I’m grateful that Jonah isn’t an only child. That God willing, beyond Rachel and my life, that they’re going to have each other. And I’m really, really grateful for that. So the fact that they actually have a great connection means the world to me as a

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Craig Parks: dad.

David Hirsch: Yeah, that’s beautiful. Thank you. So I’m thinking about supporting organizations and I’m wondering what organization or organizations come to mind either that Jonah benefited directly from as individual, or perhaps that you, your family benefited from.

Craig Parks: Well, there’s been, you know, we use a lot of different agencies. You know, for Jonah, we had different, you know, behavioral agencies and all that. But I will tell you, like, one of the best things is Jonah’s really into sports too, is having special needs sports leagues has been really, really amazing. So here in San Diego, we have Miracle League, we have the Chill, which is a nice hockey league for special needs. They’re shooting stars. Getting him involved in that has been really great. And the people who work these programs are just some of the best humans walking the planet. So those are some of the organizations that I’m really grateful for. And the people who are working those. And look, the different speech and occupational therapists and the behavioralists that we work with over the years, just really, really beautiful, wonderful people. So the one thing I would recommend to any parent is again, don’t isolate and reach out for as much help as possible. That’s going to make everybody’s journey easier to go along.

David Hirsch: Thanks for sharing. So I’m, thinking about beyond your own personal experience, there’s a number of different things that, you’ve made reference to in passing. And one of them is being a camp director, multiple camp director. And I’m wondering if you can expound on your camp director experiences.

Craig Parks: First of all, being a really young camp director at the age of 23 was really something else. When I first started, I was pretty nervous and I was surprised that they actually accepted the proposal. I remember doing that first orientation, all these parents coming, I’m like, they are all trusting me with their children. And 23, but I ran that camp for three years and I learned a lot in those years. You asked me earlier about other male role models in the opposite direction. I remember when I was 17 working at Sportmart and these mid level managers who were there, these men who were probably in their 40s, managing me, treating me like dirt, and I remember thinking, if I’m ever somebody’s boss, I don’t care how old they are, I want them to be feeling like they are respected and cared for at all times, that. That really had a big impact on me. So the. The kind of director that I was was that whoever works for me, like my counselors and my cats and my staff, they are the key to everything. Make sure that I train them really well on how to work with kids in a way that every child feels recognized and cared for and that their individuality is celebrated, but within community, within, you know, the context of community, so that everybody feels they are a part of this community, and their individuality matters as well. in terms of teaching, conflict resolution, all of these things. Like, you know, when I think about a lot of the ills of society and I think about what would. Would help make society better, I just think about, what if every single child on this planet was raised in a loving environment and was not subjected to abuse or trauma or addiction or all these things that are there. And so for me, my little pocket of the world was summer camp. And can I provide a space where one teens and college students can exercise their sense of empowerment by adding more kindness to the world and more joy to the world? And so, for me, continuing to learn how to work with kids and to train people how to work with kids was great. And then I got to create another camp in 1999 that I ran for 24 years. Last year was my first summer where I wasn’t the director. It’s had a very profound impact on me also, as a musician. It’s been inspiring. I’ve written some music, and being a dad, I’ve written a lot of music for my kids as well. So there’s something. There’s an honesty and a truthfulness about. About youth and about teens as well that, I’ve always loved working with youth. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to really appreciate working with adults too now. But, that took me a little while to get to.

David Hirsch: I know that there’s something that you’ve created called Parenting A to E. It’s like a course or a curriculum, and it’s part of something called parentingharmony.com and I’m wondering, how would you describe that?

Craig Parks: So thank you, David. being a dad to these two kids has been incredible, and they’ve inspired music in me. And the music that was inspired, a lot of it was not written when I had a guitar in my hands. A lot of it was when I was just waking them up in the morning or laying down with them to put them to sleep or giving them a bath or washing hands. So I recorded all these songs and I realized this isn’t a kids album. Actually,

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Craig Parks: what these songs are are parenting experiences. And when I thought more about releasing this album, I thought more about, well, if I’m releasing parenting experiences, I was like, wait a minute. I’ve been training people how to work with kids for 30 years. I’m going to actually put together a whole course that’s actually going to teach them m my approach that’s been so effective in creating very successful environments with children. And so I put together this philosophy called Parenting A to E. The A stands for affecting. A lot of this I learned through certainly my own experience of working with kids. But also it’s one of the gifts that Jonah has given me was, working with all these specialists. And I’ve taken kind of the best of all these specialists in my own experiences and the impact of our affect, both how to use the body and how to use our voice. And so the A in Parenting A to E is affect. And the course teaches all these amazing techniques on how to use physically different parts of your body and your body and your face, but also vocally. And so that’s the first module of the course. And the second one is then putting it into practice with music, because music is one of the most powerful memory makers that we have. I think back with my dad, one of my happy memories with my dad, even though he worked hard, one of my happy memories that I really distinctly remember is my dad hoisted me up on his shoulders and popped on music and would dance around like I. That’s a distinct memory. And in fact, it inspired a song that I ended up writing my kids called Dancing on Daddy’s Shoulders. Really catchy melody. And I know that my daughter will always look back on that song and so many other songs. But I was like, you know what if I could, with intentionality, write music and have songs and do it ritualistically? And what parent doesn’t want their child to grow up and look back on their childhood with happy memories connected with them? So this course is teaching them how to do that. I’ve got the songs that they can use, and then I’ve got 10 screen free activities they can do because we don’t want our kids on screens either. It’s like, these are all ways to bring joy and connection in parenthood. There’s a lot there. And I’ve been working on this, including recording this, writing the songs, recording the songs, recording the videos for the course. it’s been a six year long project. And, I’m on the precipice of now launching this course so that more people can have just tons more joy in the mundane, everyday aspects of being with their kids.

David Hirsch: Yeah, I love it. So there’s an eBook, Stress Less and Have Fun with Your Kids. What’s that about?

Craig Parks: So that’s a guide to just kind of like get you going. And one of the things that primarily talks about is the importance of our well being. I think earlier I mentioned about, my dad worked six, seven days a week and he was stressed. And so when any of us are stressed, we’re a little more prone to be a ticking time bomb. right. And I think a lot of parents, they put their kids before their own well being. But as parents, when our wellbeing is not taken care of, we’re actually not as good of parents as we want to be. So if we don’t eat or we’re not getting sleep or we’re like, whatever it is. And I think that it’s a very underappreciated thing, the fact that we actually know need to take care of our well being. So I address well being. I address the importance of ritual in terms of memory making as well, and music too. So it’s a chance to kind of get into that world, like, oh, these are things that I can do immediately so that my stress levels can ease. And when our stress levels ease, there actually is more joy in our relationships. So it’s a book about how to achieve that.

David Hirsch: That’s fabulous. I’ll be sure to include some information about that in the show notes. So I’m thinking about advice now, and I’m wondering what advice you can to parents and specifically dads who might find themselves with a young child, or maybe a child who’s a little bit older for that matter, with, special healthcare needs.

Craig Parks: The primary one is find others who are in the same boat or who are, maybe a year or two or five years or 10 years ahead. Do not isolate. That is the very first and primary piece of advice I give is do not isolate. And as men, let’s face it, it’s a little bit harder for us to find other men that we can just like really get real with. But there are groups. I know, David, you’ve been such, such an important figure in creating groups for dads to finally be real. that is my biggest piece of advice is do not isolate. Actually get real with yourself so you can actually then get real with others who you know you can trust. And there are a lot of amazing men out there who can handle all of your feelings and, and all of your emotions and be supportive.

David Hirsch: Pearls of wisdom. Thanks for sharing. So why is it you’ve agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Craig Parks: Well, I love the work that you’re doing and everything that I’ve done has been in the service

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Craig Parks: of kids. And to support parents is to be in the service of kids. And when I think about the world I want my kids to grow up in, I want a world that is actually kinder. I want a world that is less violent. I want a world world that is more compassionate and caring and that is more peaceful and that starts with children. And so we are the ones raising children. So I’m happy to be a, support to. And this, again, this is my life’s work and this is what this course that I’m launching and what this book is about too is just giving parents actual easy resources that they could just implement and have more joy in their own life.

David Hirsch: I love it. We’re grateful to have you in the network. Thank you. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Craig Parks: Well, David, I just, you know, I want to thank you again in the work that you’re doing. You know, we talked about kind of, you know, our father’s generation and there weren’t a lot of spaces for men of our parents generation to come together with other men and actually be real about challenges and struggles. And you know, we had a always suck it up. But we can be complete human beings now and you are really helping to foster that. So for me, I just want to thank you for that and I want to encourage, if there’s been any parents that are listening to this and you’re curious to reach out, please don’t be shy. This is what I love to do. And I know that everything that we do has ripple effects beyond the things that we’ll even see. Know that when you help yourself, you really are helping others as well.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, the way I’ve heard it phrased before is that you need to be selfish before you can be selfless. Right? Which is to mean make sure that you’re strong at the core, physically, emotionally, spiritually and you can bring your A game to your family and to the broader community. Let’s give a special shout out to Reena Friedman Watts, host of the Better Call Daddy Podcast, Ann, who is also featured in Special Fathers Network Daddy dad podcast episode number 351 for helping connect us.

Craig Parks: Indeed. Thank You, Reena, you are, you are awesome. And, David, can I just say one more thing? that actually might be of help? So my brain also, I’m real creative, musician, artist, type. My brain’s always going a million directions. I never thought that I’d be able to be a, like a daily meditator. But about three and a half years ago, I actually started a daily meditation practice and the difference that that’s made. So if you’re add, ADHD or you feel like you could never do that, I want to encourage you all to try that. And even if it’s just for two minute stretch and putting on musical meditation, whatever it is, and if you want to contact me about that, I’m happy to share about that too. But that is something that can really support well being. And it is not about clearing your mind. It’s just about being really present. And so there are ways to do it, but it’s been a tool that’s been really impactful for me. I just wanted to share that too, before we go.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you. If somebody wants to learn more about your work or to contact you, what’s the best way to do so,

Craig Parks: They can contact me at CraigParks@ParentingHarmony.com.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that in the show notes as well as some of the other links that we talked about. Craig, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Craig is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network, a mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, please go to 21stCenturyDads.org thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dads foundation is a 501 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all consumers. Would you please consider making a tax optical contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Craig. Thanks again.

Craig Parks: Thank you, David.

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturydads.Org.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to Facebook group facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david@21stcenturydads.org.

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch. Thanks again to Horizon Therapeutics who believe that science and compassion must work

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Tom Couch: together to transform lives. That’s why they work tirelessly to research, develop and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics at horizontherapeutics.com.

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