368 – Tim Kane of Ridgewood, NJ Former Sr. Director of Broadcasting at the NBA, Father of Three Including An Autistic Son

Transcript:

Tom Couch: Special thanks to Amgen for sponsoring the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Committed to unlocking the potential of biology for patients suffering from serious illnesses by discovering, developing, manufacturing and delivering innovative human therapeutics. Discover more about Amgen’s mission at Amgen.com.

Tim Kane: Don’t be afraid. Understand that the more you include yourself, no matter what you do, it will help no matter what you do, even if it’s a car ride or it’s a walk on the beach or you’re in the ocean, you know, just understand that if you’re next to your child, that’s going to make an impact going forward.

Tom Couch: That’s our guest this week, Tim Kane, former Senior Director of Broadcasting for the NBA, Board Member at the EPIC School foundation and father of three children, including one who is autistic. We’ll hear all about Tim and his family and his life on this special Father’s Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Two short messages. First, I’d like to invite you to attend the 6th Annual SFN Dads Virtual Conference taking place via Zoom on Saturday, May 10th at 8am Central Time. We have a great roster of speakers and there will be plenty of time for breakouts to meet like minded dads who are committed to their children and self improvement. Secondly, the Special Fathers Network Mastermind Group Experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs, meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books and sharing heartfelt challenges. One of the highlights of the year is attending an in person weekend retreat scheduled this year from September 5th to the 7th. As you think about the year ahead, I invite you to join one of the existing or soon to be formed SFN Mastermind Groups and join a group of like minded dads to become the best version of yourself. It might just transform your life like it’s done for so many others. For more information please go to the Show Notes or Simply go to 21stCenturydads.Org.

Tom Couch: Now let’s listen into this conversation between Tim Kane and David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Tim Kane, of Ridgewood, New Jersey, former Senior Director of Broadcasting at the NBA, Board Member at the Epic School foundation and father of three adult children, including one who’s autistic. Tim, thank you for taking the time to do a podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Tim Kane: Thanks, David. I’m thrilled to be here.

David Hirsch: You and your wife Laurie have been married for 28 years and are the proud parents of three children, Katie, 27, Caroline, 21, and Jack, 24, who’s autistic. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Tim Kane: I grew up in Ridgefield, Connecticut. I have two siblings, a younger sister and a younger brother. We lived in Ridgefield pretty much all our lives growing up before we all dispersed off to college. Ridgefield is about an hour or so, 15 minutes north of Manhattan, Northern Fairfield County. Small town, you know, just a great place to grow up as far as we had access to downtown and we were just walking in there every day from where we lived. So it was a great place to grow up. A lot of, a lot of people commuted and worked for IBM in White Plains and whatnot. So park, commuter town, part local.

David Hirsch: And, out of curiosity, what did your dad do for a living?

Tim Kane: My father was a funeral director in Ridgefield, also in Danbury, Connecticut. He also had, another funeral home and we lived next door to the funeral home and the church. Our Catholic church was two doors down from us, so it was kind of a – You had a ready made neighborhood where you had the funeral home and the church Catholic school around the corner. So he was a funeral director all his life. His father was a funeral director. Got him into the business. So it’s pretty interesting, you know, when you’re growing up that people always like, what’s it like? And you’re just like, it’s, my father goes to work, he goes to work at different times. But one thing I really, truly learned from him was empathy. He worked with people at their toughest times, and also the flexibility that he had to learn about working with different cultures, different religions, and really trying to make that experience as tough as it is, as compassionate as you could be.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, on the surface it sounds like it’s pretty morbid, right, because you’re dealing with end of life. Right. Not just

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David Hirsch: as a typical family. Like my grandparents pass away, my parents pass away. Occasionally somebody younger passes away. But it seems like if you’re a funeral director, it’s like a revolving door. People are literally just coming through almost on a daily basis, multiple times a day in some cases. And I don’t know, what impact does that have on, you know, you and your siblings growing up?

Tim Kane: It’s interesting because I never really thought my father wanted to be a funeral Director. I mean, he went into business with his father. I think he would have liked to have done something else, but circumstances, whatever. But David, he was a man who was 6, 4 and like 260, he was just a square block. And he was the antithesis of a funeral director. He never wore black. He was like, I’m not doing that. You know, he wore black occasionally when he needed to, but he wore light suits because he had a huge personality. And that helped him to work with people. Not that he was laughing or funny, but he was gentle, considerate, and, you know, and as kids growing up, you know, we. We just dealt with it. You know, sometimes dinner was at an odd time because dad was working calling hours and awake. You know, sometimes the phone would ring in the middle of the night, you know, and you’re like, what’s going on? And unfortunately, somebody had passed away. But it gave us a sense of community that, you know, we as a family were kind of central to what was happening in our parish, in our town. And, you know, we had friends who would ask us, I have to go to a wake. What do I do? And you almost. You almost were trying to teach them. You go in, you pay your respects, say a prayer, sign the book, whatever it is. But just don’t think you have to do anything but show up and just be there for the individual that you’re, you know, you’re trying to help or pay respects to. So, you know, growing up that way was. Was different. It really was. He didn’t want any of us to go into the business. I actually helped. When I graduated from college, he had. Was hospitalized with, bypass surgery. And so I had to help out that summer after I graduated. And really more that was more driving cars and delivering paperwork. Nothing to do with the actual funeral business. You. I would be a pallbearer if I needed to be. I would park car, whatever. We did, until he recovered and was able to get back to work. So. And that, I think that gives you a sense of, you know, what we should do for people when they’re in their. In tough situations, like losing a family member, a friend, whomever.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. What I heard you say was your dad was very empathetic. He was gentle, he’s considerate. And, there’s a sense of community based on the nature of the work. Right. You’re sort of central to your community. And like you said, it’s like your house is there, the business is there, the church is there. It’s like this, like within just a couple blocks, you’re like the epicenter of what was going on in your community. And just one more question about your dad. How would you characterize your relationship with him?

Tim Kane: He was my biggest cheerleader growing up in sports. He was so smart, David, that after my senior year in high school, or during my senior year in high school, I had a lousy year playing basketball. I was the middle of my class in academics. Really didn’t seem like there was anything on the horizon. And he decided that I needed to take a postgraduate year, which I did. Played basketball against some excellent competition, got my grades better, got my SAT scores better, and that eventually led to the ability of being accepted at Princeton. So he, you know, he had a vision for what he thought I needed to do, and that was, you know, which at 17, you don’t have that right. So I’ll always be grateful for him for saying, no, listen, we got to take a year and get back, you know, get back on the right track.

David Hirsch: Yeah, it’s pretty impressive. Thanks for sharing. So I’m thinking about some other father influencers, and I’m wondering what, if any, influence your grandfathers had starting on your dad’s side.

Tim Kane: He, was in the funeral business for a long time. He passed away at 65 from ALS, actually. That came in the 70s, where you really didn’t know much about ALS and all that. And it was pretty quick and pretty savage as far as how fast it took them. But he was more the typical, I think, funeral director, you know, presented himself in the sense of being that sort of individual to comfort and be with people when they need it and also organize. You know, sometimes in that situation, people don’t know what they want to do.

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Tim Kane: So I think my grandfather was, I think, much more stoic. My father was, you know, he was a guy who, if there was no funeral, there was no wake, there’s no anything, he’d go play golf, right? And so he was kind of like, I need my time off. But my grandfather, I think, was stoic and just straight ahead in how he approached work in life. It was too bad because my father and my grandfather both passed away at 65. So that was, you know, it was kind of an end. My maternal grandfather passed away earlier. So as you lost these people long before you wanted to, and also were able to kind of go, hey, you know, how about, I got a question for you, dad or grandpa, whatever, you know, So I. I think about that sometimes that you don’t have that immediate individual to go to and ask when you, you know, when you got a question and you’re not sure about something.

David Hirsch: Absolutely. Well, I think in a prior conversation, you mentioned that your mom’s dad, your maternal grandfather, while he passed away quite early. Your mom was one of a. Was it 13?

Tim Kane: It was, yes.

David Hirsch: Very large family. I was thinking about that. And that means your grandmother. Right, had 13 kids, and her husband passed away at a relatively early age. And I’m wondering, if there’s anything you can shed light on that.

Tim Kane: There were nine. Nine girls. Four boys. Sisters abound. Aunts abound. Uncles, you know, uncles abounded too. It was just a big, you know, big family. They didn’t have anything. They. They literally did. They all. I don’t know if this is actually true, but where they lived in Lawrence, Massachusetts, they might have had one bathroom for the entire house at some point. But they were resilient. They all got their high school education. Some went to college, some went to work, you know, but they all did amazing things without having anything. They took what they, you know, what they were given. They earned the rest, I think. Resiliency. I’m, one of 38 first cousins spread out all over the country and the world, too. Her maiden name was Murphy. So when. When a relative has a baby, it’s like Murphy number 138, whatever it is. I know a funny story my mom told me once was in the neighborhood they grew up in, there was a lot of Jewish people. And at Passover, the Jewish people didn’t want to eat their Passover bread. And they would give it to my mom and her sisters, and they would take it home, bring it home, and they put jam and butter and whatever on, whatever was in the. You know, if they had anything in the cabinet. And they said it was like the biggest they took. You know, they took the Passover theater and the bread, and just like, you know, it was. It was almost Christmas for them, you know, but. Yeah, and my mom, you know, she was one of 13, and they. They just kind of figured it out in the best ways.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. I’m, sorry to hear that your grandfathers played, a relatively small influence because they died at such an early age. But, you know, maybe it helps you reflect on what a blessing it is just to have them in your lives.

Tim Kane: Yeah, absolutely.

David Hirsch: So I’m thinking about other father figures, and I’m wondering, who else comes to mind that, had an influence on you, either as a young guy growing up or perhaps as a professional.

Tim Kane: I Went to Princeton. I was part of the basketball program for a short time. And at the time, Pete Carill, who was a Hall of Fame basketball coach, was the head coach there. He had recruited me along with the assistant coaches. And, you know, I think he brilliant coach, just. But he was so tough and gruff, and that’s what people saw. But you learned so much about life, about basketball. You know, when they talk about playing the game the right way, that’s where you learned it. You learned it from Coach Carill. The triangle offense that the Bulls ran was essentially the Princeton offense. Phil Jackson had great assistant coaches who taught the motion, you know, so I think Coach Carill, you know, I wish I had played longer, but it was obvious that I was not going to stay with it. You know, it’s just because I’d have to spend every summer, like, you know, on the court every day, and I had to go to work to pay for school. So, you know, it was one of those things where you’re like, I learned so much. And he was, you know, just a great person while you’re there. I started doing radio after I stopped playing for the student station. And he would look at me like, you know, point to me over at the broadcast location like, what are you doing? What are you doing? But his son was a classmate of mine, and I wrote to Coach in his later years and checked in with him. And, you know,

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Tim Kane: and one thing I really got from him through his son when he passed away is his son Pete Jr. Said to me, he said, listen, my dad said, you got the job done. And that was the most important thing that he saw. As talented as he was, as great players as he had even he coached, you know, assistant coach in the NBA for a long time. The fact that he said, tell Tim he did a good job. That was enough for me. It really was.

David Hirsch: That’s pretty cool.

Tim Kane: Yeah, because I, you know, I didn’t. I didn’t deserve that in the sense that, you know, I didn’t play varsity for all four years. But to hear from Coach was a great influence. And then, you know, later, just working in. In the business. I mean, God is so many people that helped and taught. I think of Chris Berman at ESPN, was a great teacher, great person to learn from. Bob Lee, you know, some of the guys who started ESPN, you got a chance to work with those people. Greg Gumbel, who just passed away recently, and that was awful to hear. He was another talented person that we just, you know, he’d say, hey, come on, let’s go and they would teach. They would show you how to do things. They would teach you the right way to write a passage or a script. So we really learned a ton from those guys. And later on, the commissioners of the NBA, David Stern, Adam Silver, and especially, as you know, once Jack was diagnosed with autism, David was amazing. We had gotten a diagnosis in June of 2002. You know, so you’re obviously, you know, shattered, crushed. What are we going to do? How are we going to do this? All this stuff. Phone rings in my office, Commissioner Stern, and he’s like, hey, you got an appointment with the leading pediatric neurologist at Columbia in August. And like, don’t miss it. Click. Right? But as fathers at the NBA or mothers at the NBA, there were more cases of autism being diagnosed. And David said, hey, I got to take care of my people. That led to, a relationship with Autism Speaks. You know, he would say, what do you need me to do? What can we do? What? And that led to a whole league wide initiative on World Autism Awareness Day that he championed. And then Adam Silver, same way Adam was like, I’m here. What can I help with? and then the other people I think we mentioned before, Ernie Johnson, you know, Bill Walton, you know, the people that you work with over the years, and they know, they come to know your story. Because in my case, a lot of times, you know, I had to jump off the road and come home and help out, and they knew, and they’re like, what do you need? You know, what can I help with? So we learn. I think we learn from so many people in our. In our path as we go along, and they just, they create these opportunities for you to really learn and then also. Then pay it forward.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, I think about some, of the people you’ve mentioned, like Ernie or Bill or David or Greg and some of the others as some of the angels in our lives. Right. You. Maybe you don’t realize it at the time, but you look back and say, wow, you know, if it wasn’t for them, I don’t know if I would be where I am today. And not from a professional standpoint so much, but from, a personal standpoint. Right. being shaped, into the human beings that we are. And, you know, it’s great that you can reflect on that and, mostly while they’re still alive.

Tim Kane: Yeah. You know, because they want to know, you know, Bill. God, bless Bill Walton, because every conversation became, how’s Jack? What do you need me to do? Nothing, Bill. We’re good. Today, let’s just talk. You know, Charles Barkley. I’ve known the man since 1984, and we were friends. He worked with me at ESPN one year. He was the analyst covering the NBA Finals with me for Detroit, Portland, 1990. And our friendship has just, you know, been rock solid. He’s like, I’m here. I saw him a couple times in New York at March Madness at CBS. Brought my daughters in to meet him, you know, and he’s like, I’m here. You know, I know you go through tough times sometimes, and that’s. That just helps you. That lifts you every time. Shaq. You know, I’ll text Shaq, and he’ll say, hey, what’s going on? How’s Jack? I’m like, we’re doing okay. But no, David, I mean, it’s. You’re right. The angels that come into our lives for different reasons, the compassion and, you know, the willingness to say, hey, what do you want to do?

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Robin Roberts from ABC, she started at ESPN, you know, in the last year I was there, but we got a chance to work together on sports centers and various shows. And she’s still a big part. You know, whenever, you know, she’s like, she’ll. Hey, Robin, can you record a promo for me promoting our. Our gala? Sure. You know, whatever. So you find out that it’s just a text away, and, you know, they’re all precious people in my life, our lives.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing. So, you made reference to your experience at Princeton. My recollection was you took, an AB in English, and, you, didn’t, get right into the world of sports. You had, a little bit of a circuitous, beginning. So I’m wondering if you can just, give us. Not play by play, but just where did your career take you after college?

Tim Kane: Yeah, I had always been fascinated with tv. How do they do all this stuff? Even as a young kid, I would just watch games, pun games. So at Princeton, I mean, they didn’t have a, journalism. They didn’t have broadcast. They, you know, it was English. But after I stopped playing basketball, I was doing radio and working in sports information. And the radio, we were broadcasting basketball, hockey, football, baseball. And it was great. It was just so much fun. Sports information was just great to learn how to write, how to express yourself. When I graduated, I was supposed to get a small job in a production company at a local TV station up in Connecticut. And when I got there, they said, well, we had to make some cuts. We don’t really have that position for you, but we have something. And I’m like, okay, I just graduated, you know, I need to work. And, they said, do you want to sell cable TV subscriptions door to door? Okay, so here I am, I’ve just graduated from Princeton, and the only thing on the horizon is selling cable door to door. You take it, David. It was the most humiliating two weeks because nobody likes to, you know, be told no, right? Only the greatest salespeople in the world care. Like when they, you know, somebody says no and they go right to the next thing. So I went door to door in my town, selling cable TV to people who didn’t know what cable TV was. It was 1981, right? CNN was just a year old. Espen was two years old. MTV might not even started. Okay? So in two weeks, I probably sold six subscriptions. And I was like, enough. And I, I don’t want to do this. I mean, the production job I was supposed to have wasn’t going to work out. Okay, fine. So I just. I went back to bartending. My dad was ill at the time, so I was helping him out with his business as best I could. And then in September, I got a call from a friend of mine who said, listen, call this person at ESPN. They have a weekend production assistant job, you know, like eight hours a day, ten hours a day, Saturday and Sunday. That was it. So I called and, luckily I got an interview. And luckily, you know, I had had enough work in sports information at Princeton to kind, of get my foot in the door to start. And that was September of 1981. But the cable. Oh, man, I still have nightmares of that. I know I can tell you exactly what I was wearing, and, you know, shirt and tie, and it was August, and it was like, you’re sweating and you’re trying to sell and, you know, and people can tell you’re not into this, you know, but some people’s like, yeah, I’ll try it out. And then, you know. So I wish I’d stuck with it because I know eventually it was going to be successful.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for, sharing. It was in the early days of cable. And, you know, it’s like a lot of things in life, if everybody had a couple weeks, a couple months, or maybe even a couple years of selling experience under their belt, the world would look a lot different to them. They would appreciate, you know, business a little bit better.

Tim Kane: Yeah.

David Hirsch: And I’m not saying, you know, everybody should, like, hold up salespeople in high esteem. But, there is a certain humility that you develop by, you know, putting yourself out there.

Tim Kane: Right, right.

David Hirsch: Cold calling, whether it’s door to door or like I did, you know, making phone calls, 100 phone calls a day, 500 a week, 2,000 a month for a year, a couple years, there’s so much rejection. Right. You learn that, you know, if you’re going to pursue that, you can’t take things personally.

Tim Kane: Right.

David Hirsch: Because they’re not so much rejecting you even though they are saying no to you personally. They’re really just not interested in whatever you it is that you’re presenting or you have to say. And, you know, you do develop a certain amount of resilience. You don’t have to sell to develop that resilience, but that is one for sure way to develop resilience. So thanks for sharing. So, my recollection was you spent nine years at ESPN and 33 years at the NBA. And I’m wondering

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what were the big takeaways from the work that you did there at ESPN and the NBA?

Tim Kane: One of the big takeaways at ESPN was that in the early days, I know people will be shocked to hear this, that we weren’t sure if ESPN was going to make it in the early part of the 80s because we were creating programming content and all this stuff and there was really nothing to hook. Right. To say. I mean, I know people say that ESPN, oh yeah, Australian Rules Football and all these niche sports or college sports and nobody cared about the time. So that was interesting because there was times where you would look to see if your name was on the schedule for the next two weeks. Getty Oil owned it at that time and they had no idea what they had. Nobody did. It was when somehow some way, people at ESPN figured out that you could sell advertising and then you were going to get subscriber fees from the cable outlets. Right. So a cable company would pay 2 cents a subscriber, Right. To get ESPN. So when ESPN realized there was a dual revenue business wise, that’s when it took off. And then, you know, eventually college basketball, right. Put ESPN on the map in different ways. And so that’s. In the early days, it was like we didn’t know. And the takeaway there was that I think there was just so many opportunities for people and, you know, just to just accelerate and what they were doing. I mean, there’s so many people in the business now who grew up at ESPN, like myself, and learned the business from the ground up, how to do Everything, how to put SportsCenter on the air. It was, you know, Bristol was a weird spot because that’s in the middle of Connecticut and I grew up in Connecticut. There was this whole society of us who work till 2:30 in the morning, 3 o’ clock in the morning, and then go drink beer in the parking lot with nothing to do, just, you know, talk about the shows amongst ourselves. We’d end up playing in a morning softball league in Hartford, you know, with the third shifters. And that was our lives. We’re all in our 20s going, is this what we really want to do? And it was, I mean it was if you were that, you know, in production and broadcasting the NBA. I, mean that, that’s. We came aboard in 1990, you know, when the the NBC contract had just been signed. So you’re thinking you’re coming out of, you know, Magic and Bird and the Celtics and lakers in the 80s, you know, those champions. And then you come in the 90s and here comes the bulls. Ready made, must see TV. And the acceleration of the league globally. You know, from as we go back, you know, everybody, Dr. J, Bill Russell, Chamberlain, all the way through to Magic and Bird and then Michael, the Bulls. And then from there it’s just, it skyrocketed. So the growth, you know, allowed the NBA to go. WNBA, 30 team, minor league system, USA basketball. So the NBA was all about growth and international exposure and you know, China and all the places that it broke into because of, you know, part of it was the Bulls. It really was with Michael and Scotty and all those guys in the championships, you know, people were watching at all hours.

David Hirsch: So, I’m sort of curious to know, how did you and Laurie meet?

Tim Kane: I was at the NBA, it was 1993 and a co worker of mine came by, she was working with me. We had a halftime features unit that we would produce halftime features for TNT and NBC. And so she came by and she said, hey, I want you to meet somebody. And she said, this is my friend Laurie. We’re in a master’s program at NYU and we’re taking broadcast journalism. So Laurie came in stunning and says hello. And then two nights later we’re hosting a reception in New York for Hoop it up, the three on three competition across the country. And they were, happened to be in New York that week and we were hosting an event. And I got my friend Maureen invited Laurie, which I didn’t know about. So we see each other at the bar. Hey, how are you? Nice to meet You. She’s.

David Hirsch: Yeah.

Tim Kane: I haven’t heard back yet about the job. I said, oh, it’s okay. I said, by the way, I have tickets for a concert on Friday night. Would you be interested in going? She says, so it’s Wednesday. You didn’t have a date for this concert yet? No. And so luckily, you know, she said yes. And, we went to the concert and.

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Tim Kane: And then that was, as I said, 1993. And when we’ve been together since. Got married in 1996. But, yeah, we’d like to say, David, that Laurie didn’t get the job, but she got me. So you’d have to ask her, you know, did she win or not? So, yeah, I love it.

David Hirsch: Thanks for sharing. Let’s talk about special needs first on a personal level and then, perhaps a little bit beyond. So prior to Jack’s diagnosis, did you or Laurie have any connection to the disability? Disability or special needs community?

Tim Kane: No, not family wise. Yeah, not. Not many. Not many at the time at all.

David Hirsch: So what is Jack’s diagnosis and how did it come about?

Tim Kane: Jack is, is profoundly autistic. He also has epilepsy, which, thankfully, through medication and whatnot, we’ve got pretty much under control. Once again, Laurie was the brains on this, because Jack was. Before his second birthday, we had an older daughter. I have an old daughter, Katie, who was, you know, spitfire, all over the place, having a great time. Jack was more reserved. I mean, he was funny sometimes, but he just seemed like he was a little curmudgeon, you know, just not thrilled with things day in and day out. Didn’t, you know, language was kind of on and off. And Laurie had a suspicion that something was up. And then there was an article in Time magazine, which would have been 2002 in the spring, and I read it about autism, and I went, holy. I, said, this is on the screws, all right there, you know, and so we were like, okay. So we made an appointment with a neurodevelopmental pediatrician. We went in, and he actually did really well in the session. So we’re thinking, oh, okay, maybe we’re all right. And, you know, she closed the door and she said, guys, he is profoundly autistic. So of course you’re. You’re shattered because, right, this is our second child, and we’re just like, okay. I was dumb enough at the time to think, you know, we’ll have this solved by the time he goes to kindergarten, because you didn’t know. So, you know, you. You kind of went home and what do we got to do? Who do we got to call? Where do we start? In the meantime, as I mentioned before in our. In our part of our conversation, you know, David, Stern calls up and he says, here’s what you’re doing, right? Didn’t change the diagnosis, but it got us, you know, to put our feet in the ground and say, okay, let’s start. And, you know, and we started working with Columbia, you know, on different things and finding therapists and just, you know, the whole idea at that point was, you know, you’ve got to start, you got to get going, you got to get going with. With ABA and all this stuff. And so we did. We tried our best and, you know, have worked at it for 22 plus years now, but it was, you know, it just dropped you because you’ve been going along in life like, you know, great, you know, go to college and go to work and get married and have kids, and all of a sudden, bow, what’s this, you know, what’s this that’s stopping you in your tracks? And you don’t know how to solve this one. And nobody did at the time, obviously, and still does.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, that’s a good point. Which is autism isn’t meant to be solved. And, it’s not like a disease. Even though ASD is referred to as a disorder, that is just part of who somebody is. Right. It’s an individual who’s autistic, not an individual with autism. And, I’m wondering if you can think back to those first, handful of years, what were some of the fears that you or Laurie had?

Tim Kane: I know Laurie would say, will he ever have friends? You know, and I think that that’s a hard one, right, as a parent. And I think, you know, the hard things were, can we do enough in a day’s time to help? And at that time, David, finding therapists in ABA in New Jersey was. Was not easy because you also had to find people and trust people. And there were some people out there who were, like, claiming that they were BCBAS and able to, you know, take care of things, and they didn’t. They didn’t know what they were doing. I’ll give you a quick, you know, we had a therapist working with Jack one time downstairs in our, basement. And Laurie’s like, I don’t hear anything. It’s just not. There’s not. There’s no activity. There’s no anything going on. She went outside in the pouring rain to look inside at that window, into the cellar, and Saw the instructor grading papers from another.

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Tim Kane: You know, so she went, you know, threw her out. And. But you were up against that. You were up against people coming in, selling anything at the time, and you’re like, you’re dying for anything because you’re trying to help.

David Hirsch: Yeah.

Tim Kane: So those are the tough parts, I think, also thinking that you have failed. Right. And, you know, what did we do wrong? And as you come to learn over time, you didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you’ve been entrusted to work harder than you ever believed you could work to create the best possible outcome for this individual. So, you know, I think that’s where we kind of just turned it, you know, and then, believe me, there’s been years. And, you know, when you travel as, you know. Right. It’s tough to be away. And there are many times when, you know, I would jump off the road to come home because things weren’t going so well. And the NBA, thankfully, was like, go, do what you got to do. We know you’ll catch up.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. your mind can play tricks on you as a young parent. You know, you anticipate all these things that may or may not come to pass, and, you do need to develop some resilience and a, little confidence as you go along. And I’m thinking about advice, and, it sounds like David Stern leaned in very early. Right. Once the diagnosis was made and sort of gave you some, you know, direction. And I’m wondering if there’s anybody else that you can reflect back on, you know, as far as advice that helps you put the situation in the context and helped you get the wind in your sails.

Tim Kane: You know, I think. And I wish I could remember his name, but the neurodevelopmental pediatrician at Columbia who we met with, he had gone on to the Mayo Clinic. I remember him afterwards. But he was one where it was not that he made sense of it, but he certainly gave us a foundation to go forward. You know, it’s like, this is what you have. This is what we need to start with. And I think structurally, that help. I also think it’s Acts 24, so it can’t be a pediatrician anymore anyway. The pediatrician we’ve been working with the longest has always given us a sense of balance. Balance. Okay. Of like, listen, you know, there’s going to be days where you’re. You’re not going to have the answers every day. And structurally, Lawrence, Rosen was his name. You know, just. I think structurally, it just gives you A sense like, listen, you’re going to be into this, it’s going to get ugly for a while, then it’s going to get better. You know, when Jack had a lot of issues sleeping, which is, you know, common amongst ASD, he said, I’m telling you, we got to just use medication to kind of help smooth this out. And then at 17, you will watch, he will become a much better sleeper. And sure enough, over time, it was correct. Trying to think who else. His. His current neurologist, Abba Cargan. You know, you, you see him for a half hour every six months, which you don’t think is a lot, but he has a vision. You know, he has worked us from needing a lot of medication to weaning down, weaning down. So Jack is more alert and more attentive in everything he does. So I think on the medical side, there’s just been some great people along the way to, you know, kind of sit shoulder to shoulder and say, hey, it’s gonna be tough, you know, but come back and, you know, when Jack was having seizures at around 9, 10, 11, you know, you didn’t know what was coming. I’ll give you this story. This is. I was in London producing a game. I don’t remember who was there. And I come out of the production truck after the game and I see a message from home and Laurie let me know that Jack had had a seizure and was hospitalized. And I remember sitting down on the stairs of the outside of the truck in the middle of the O2 arena in London, and Commissioner Stern, his wife, were just driving by on their way leaving the arena, and I was like, I almost was like, do you got a jet? Do you have a plane? And, you know, I knew that wasn’t going to, going to happen, but, obviously got the first flight out next morning. But you know, those things when you’re not there and you’re far away, you know, that’s a sucky feeling. But I think, I think the medical people in our lives have really kind of helped us just keep that direction going.

Tom Couch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research

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on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin. Thank you. Now back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: I’m thinking about turning points, and I’m wondering if, you can look back and think, okay, where have been the inflection points in this journey?

Tim Kane: Jack was 17, and he was attending the Epic school in Paramus. And there was a long stretch where it was, not a good day, good day, not a good day, good day. A lot of aggression, a lot of episodes. And our executive director, Peter Gerhardt, kind of said, you know, guys, we’re fumbling here. We just don’t. We can’t figure out how to get on a right path. Have you ever heard of the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore? And we had, not at the time, but it’s a neurobehavioral ICU. Sixteen patients, some of the most incredible cases of autism and other developmental disabilities you’d ever see. He says, I think Jack is a good candidate for this. It took, like two years between applications, wait lists, and whatnot for Jack to get in. The average stay for an individual admitted is four months. Jack went for three because he had improved so much. And when he came out, it was a real turning point, David, where behaviors were way down, school was moving ahead, things were good. Jack was going into the community and helping out in a lot of different spots. And we felt fortunate that we had turned that and really became a forward moving point where people from Kennedy Krieger came up and helped out on transition. People from the Epic school went down to learn. And, you know, we got off to a good start, which lasted nine months. And then the pandemic hit, which kind of, you know, stopped everybody in their tracks.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing about this, experience at Kennedy Krieger. I’d like to include some information in the show notes so that others who might be curious to know more about that program can educate themselves. So I’d like to know what impact Jack’s situation’s had on his sisters, your marriage, and your extended family, for that matter.

Tim Kane: So our biggest goal going forward is that we want to make sure Jack is as independent as possible and that he does not become the day to day responsibility of either Katie or Caroline. You know, they’ve grown up in a, in an environment when they were younger where an episode leads to aggression and, you know, listen, I’m six, seven, right? I can, I can take it. The other people in my house, I don’t want them to take that force. So we would send the girls to the rooms and lock the doors. And, you know, there were times we had to kind of shut it down and hunker down and get through it. You know, that impacted them where they were afraid of their brother. And Now Katie, at 27, is, you know, someone who can get in Jack’s face, demand language and not worry about, you know, getting smacked and she’ll do that. And, you know, he response to her, amazing Caroline, you know, Caroline, I feel bad about because sometimes, you know, she grew up facing this. Katie is older, so. But Caroline had this every day of her life before she went to college. And that has made her, I’ll say, a little quieter. She’s still very loving to her, her brother and will challenge him. But you could see it, you know, there’s times where we would love to all be together, whether it’s at, Caroline’s college for a visit, you know, and there’s times where it’s like, you know what this is about Caroline, right? So we’re going to make arrangements to do whatever we going to do, but she’s going to enjoy this without worrying about, you know, something happening on our marriage. You know, I’m sure we could, you know, everybody you’ve spoken to, right? And you’re 360 odd. you know, podcast, it’s hard because it’s, you know, who takes responsibility for what. When. When do you split time? I think we’re of the mindset, Laurie and I, that, you know, if the other can get out and get some free time, that’s important. And then, you know, when. When does that balance up? I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out.

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Tim Kane: You know, at the end of the day, you look at each other and it’s like, you know, it’s us. It’s us who are kind of handling this. So we got to do it together. So if there’s an issue, if there’s, whatever, it’s like, hey, you know what? We’re working as hard as we can. Let’s kind of back off and be, you know, be mindful of that, be mindful of each other and what’s going on.

David Hirsch: What do you do for respite as a couple?

Tim Kane: You know, it’s hard because you can’t get, I mean, dinner, movie. You know, we don’t, we don’t travel together. We haven’t, you know, figured out a way how to travel with Jack a long distance. I mean, we’ll drive and go to the beach, you know, for the week and rent a place and that’s fine and that, but that comes with all, you know, then you’re, you’re moving everything you have into another place, and you’re going to, you know, try to deal with the environment around you. You know, I think we try to say, hey, you know what? You go for a couple days here, I’ll go a day or two, whatever works. And then you just kind of like, hey, it’s. We’d love to do this all together. Maybe one day we will. But, you know, I. I’ve tried doing a little bit of work with Jack at airports, and, you know, our airports like yours, I don’t know how you can expect an individual who has these type of issues to be able to deal with that, without having some sort of issue that’s going to kind of morph into a bigger problem. Right. While you’re in the midst of thousands of people or on a plane. And where are you going? You’re not going anywhere. So that’s, you know, that’s a goal for us at some point, to keep working, you know, with Jack, to be able to travel one day all together. And extended family, I mean, you know, listen, as you’ve learned, I’m sure, and other people have told you, your extended family rallies around you. Right. You know, they’re. They’re there to help contribute, lift you up, you know, and just understand that, you know, they’re there and you have to rely on others. You just have to, you know, give the reins over a little bit just to be able to step away.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, you’re fortunate to have a large family and, to get support from them as well. So thanks for sharing. I’m thinking about supporting organizations, and I know that we’ve talked about the EPIC School. EPIC School foundation, which you serve on the board of. Wondering if there’s any other organizations that, come to mind that, either Jack’s benefited from or your family has benefited from.

Tim Kane: Yeah. And I’ve been lucky, David, that, I was, I’ve been working with Autism New Jersey for a number of years. first working on the golf committee for a golf event we have in September. We average about 300 golfers. And it’s a great day. It’s just a great day of everybody just seeing each other and hugs. And we really celebrate the moms that night at the reception because they are the true rock stars of everything we do. So that actually turned into, an invitation from Autism New Jersey to, be part of their board. and that happened in 2023, and I gladly accepted. And Autism New Jersey is just an organization that is, like, the first Call. I remember, you know, when Jack was diagnosed in 2002, one, of the first calls we made was Autism New Jersey. And they’re there for that exact reason amongst others, but they’re there to take that first call when people, parents call and say, what do I do? So my work with others on their board is just so fulfilling every day because you know, in a state like New Jersey that you know, where the numbers are high, from north to south, east to west, it’s not a huge state, but there’s a lot of people who are looking for help and you’re just trying to help them, direct them to the right resources. So I really, my time with them is just, is so valuable and I just love the like mindedness of everyone who tries to just get in there and really help with the mission.

David Hirsch: That’s fabulous. I’ll be sure to include information on Autism New Jersey as well. I’m sort of curious to know what role spirituality has played in your journey.

Tim Kane: Boy, there’s a lot of times you have conversations and you’re just asking for a little guidance. And I think when you accept that this is what you have in your life and if it was given to you for a reason or not, it doesn’t matter.

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Tim Kane: And I think church presents a certain length of solitude, of reflection where you can really just let your brain kind of settle down after whatever days you’ve been through. We’ve taken Jack, I take Jack to the church on Saturday sometimes and we just sit. He’s been baptized, he’s been confirmed. You know, we’re still working on the sacraments, with him in our church. And the priests are great. You know, they have a lot of individuals with special needs. And so I think it’s just we sit and we talk. You know, I just talked to him about just sitting and reflecting on what’s going on. Not even during mass. But you know, we try to use our connection to really help us get to the next step.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. I know that you had mentioned that you grew up a, couple blocks from the Catholic Church. I didn’t want to just assume that you were Catholic, but since you made reference to it and I just assume that you know that your spirituality has played out in Portuguese role in your life which you documented. So I’m thinking about advice and I’m thinking about parents advice for parents, specifically dads who maybe find themselves in the early stages of the diagnosis. And I’m wondering what type of advice you would offer.

Tim Kane: Don’t be afraid. Understand that the more you include yourself, no matter what you do, it will help because the connection you have with your child of, just anything you do has an impact that can help you turn things around or at least get on the right track. Don’t be afraid to try something. Don’t worry when something doesn’t work out. Keep believing that the best connectivity is between you and your child and your spouse and your child and your family. Those are the people who are going to cut through and create an impact. So I’d say don’t ever, no matter what you do, even if it’s a car ride, you know, or it’s a, walk on the beach or you’re in the ocean, you know, just understand that if you’re next to your child, that’s going to make an impact going forward.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, what I think I heard you say is don’t be afraid and then stay connected.

Tim Kane: Yep.

David Hirsch: Which are two, you know, pretty straightforward things and there’s a lot to be fearful of. But, one day at a time and try, to move forward. There’s a dad in the network who refers to it as relentless forward motion RFM. and, you want to just keep moving forward.

Tim Kane: Right.

David Hirsch: So, I’m sort of curious to know why have you agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Tim Kane: I mean, that’s a no brainer, right? It’s just that ability of. Because how much can I learn as well of listening and hearing other stories. You know, you talk about RFM. You know, in New Jersey, we call it, we call it the Springsteen effect. No retreat, no surrender. Right. That’s what we do. But yeah, I, I mean, mentor doesn’t mean you have the answers. Mentor means you listen and then you, you take the information and you feed back what you think is helpful and you do it on an even plane. Right. I mean, we always think of someone looking up to a mentor to me in this, in this world, this is even. Right. You got some good information. Maybe it helps me, but I find that in the years that, you know, Laurie and I have been through this, we find that sharing information with others is the greatest gift sometimes because people don’t have all the answers. None of us do. So those little bits that you share, you know, go a long way.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, we’re thrilled to have you. Thank you for being involved. I’m, wondering if there’s anything else you’d like to say before we wrap.

Tim Kane: Up this, even this conversation. David, has, like, been eye opening, because I think sometimes when you work or you have an individual with special needs in your life, things close in a lot because you’re so hyper focused on the internal and what’s going on. And then when you. When you start talking to someone like yourself and all the people that you have talked to, it’s an amazing patchwork that we’ve learned, you know, that we understand what everybody’s going through. You know, Roberts always says, everybody’s got something, and that’s, that’s the truth. It’s like, I don’t know what you have sometime. You don’t know what I have sometimes. But if we discuss it evenly on an even plane, you know, it brings a lot of light and even. I think hearing that people are

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Tim Kane: going through the same thing gives you a little bit of lift at any time.

David Hirsch: Yeah, I think it’s a good point. we seem to isolate ourselves. Men more, I think so than women. And you, think that you’re the only one that’s going through this. And you know that you’re not. I mean, intellectually, you know that you’re not. But, you know, you’re not seeing people, typically on a daily basis, or you don’t have these safe places that you can have conversations where people aren’t judging you, or you don’t have to be sort of second guessing, you know, how much do I share? Right. Do I want to appear to be sort of a whiner or somebody who’s weak or can’t handle the situation? So thank you for emphasizing that. Let’s give a special shout out to our mutual friend, Marianne Ehlert of, Protected Tomorrows, who was featured in episode 157 of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast for helping connect us.

Tim Kane: Absolutely. I reached out to her today and saying, listen, you know, we’re coming off New Year. She was traveling, so when can we have. When can we talk? Because it’s just that ability of learning more about what she does and how it can impact ourselves and others. I’m really excited to learn more about what Marianne does.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, she’s a great resource. She’s been a good friend. She’s local here in the Chicago area, so I’m the primary beneficiary of our relationship. And, I hope that you do, have a chance to reconnect with her. So if somebody wants to learn more about the work that you do or to contact you, what’s the best way to do that?

Tim Kane: Well, let’s see. I think you can reach me via email, if that’s okay, at tkane41@verizon.net I would say epicschool.org or 3 Prong Approach, where we have a school for individuals 3 to 21. We have the inclusive community for the new adult program that just opened in November. And our foundation, which overarches both programs and is our fundraising. And then certainly Autism New Jersey. I was just on a call today, David, where there’s a redesign of the website and all the communication messages go out. And it’s a great, a great place, a great place to get information. And you don’t have to be from New Jersey. I mean, I think if you look at what they’re doing, you know, it just, it’s information. It’s got to be helpful, you know. And I emphasized to everybody today when we were talking, I said, think of a parent getting on the website and looking for something fast, right? So let’s make sure the website is friendly so when people need information real quickly, they can get it. We’re always, we’re always hearing from people. We’re always reaching out to people. there’s so many great organizations that we find every day that we can happily share with the Special Fathers Network.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include all that information in the show notes so it’ll make it as easy as possible for somebody to follow up with you. Tim, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Tim’s just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. If you’d like to become a mentor father father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, Please go to 21stCenturyDads.org Thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Daddy dad podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dads foundation is a 501c3 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a taxectable contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Tim.

Tim Kane: Thanks again, David. Thank you.

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david@21stcenturydads.org

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch. Thanks again to Amgen. Committed to unlocking the potential of biology for patients suffering from serious illnesses by discovering, developing, manufacturing and delivering innovative human therapeutics. Discover more about Amgen’s mission at Amgen.com.

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