372 – Jason Bechtold of Cary, IL An IT Director & Executive Coach At Bain & Father Of Three

Transcript:

Tom Couch: Special thanks to Amgen for sponsoring the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Committed to unlocking the potential of biology for patients suffering from serious illnesses by discovering, developing, manufacturing and delivering innovative human therapeutics. Discover more about Amgen’s mission at Amgen.com.

Jason Bechtold: A big lesson I’ve learned is that vulnerability is true strength. I shared growing up, I could do it all myself. I thought that was strength, but I made so many mistakes and now vulnerability is really where it’s at. And like you mentioned before, that’s not natural for us guys. Man, once we embrace it, that’s where the good stuff is. That’s where we grow. That’s where we really find out who we are.

Tom Couch: That’s our guest this week, Jason Bechtold. A Director of IT Services and Executive Coach. Jason has three children who have a variety of intellectual challenges. We’ll hear Jason’s story and about his mission to be a coach for dads so they can be the best they can be. That’s all on this week’s Special Father’s Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Two Short Messages First, I’d like to invite you to attend the 6th Annual SFN Dads Virtual Conference taking place via Zoom on Saturday, May 10th at 8am Central Time. We have a great roster of speakers and there will be plenty of time for breakouts to meet like-minded dads who are committed to their children and self improvement. Secondly, the Special Fathers Network Mastermind Group Experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads Foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs, meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books and sharing heartfelt challenges. One of the highlights of the year is attending an in person weekend retreat scheduled this year from September 5th to the 7th. As you think about the year ahead, I invite you to join one of the existing or soon to be formed SFN Mastermind groups and join a group of like minded dads to become the best version of yourself. It might just transform your life like it’s done for so many others. For more information please go to the Show Notes or simply go to 21stCenturyDads.org

Tom Couch: Now let’s listen in to this conversation between Jason Bechtold and David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Jason Bechtold of Cary, Illinois who is a director of IT services and executive coach at Bain & Co. In Chicago. A leadership coach and father of three who have a wide range of medical and intellectual challenges. Jason, thank you for taking the time to do a podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Jason Bechtold: Thanks for having me, David, I’ve been looking forward to this.

David Hirsch: You and your wife, Lori Herman, have been married for eight years, and you are the proud father of three children, Jordan, 24, Tyler, 20, and Jessica, 18. And between them, they’ve experienced brain cancer, Asperger’s, ADHD, and very sadly, sexual assault. And not all three of them with all those things, but collectively, which is a very wide range of different challenges. So let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, I grew up in Chicago, and up until I was about eight years old, my dad owned a Christian bookstore. My mom was a nurse across the street from where we lived. Yeah, we were far from well to do. We were scrapping by, but we never noticed. I’m the middle of three boys. My brother Dave is three years older. My brother Mark is three years younger. Yeah, we were in Chicago till 8, and then we moved out to the burbs, where my dad was a pastor of home, church, and we lived out in Mount Prospect and have been in the northwest suburbs since.

David Hirsch: Well, I think the only thing, you forgot to mention about your dad is that he was also the chaplain for the Mount Prospect fire and police departments, and that, he’s also a social worker.

Jason Bechtold: Well, yeah, he did that stuff, too. Yes. Yeah, he was the chaplain for 20 years. both my parents are turning 80 this year. Both still alive and doing great. They’re thriving. They’re busier, I think, than when they were working full time, giving back to the community, just really being parts of anybody’s lives that they can impact.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. So I’m sort of curious now. How would you describe your relationship with your dad?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, my dad is. He really is my role model. And sarcasm is our first language and is our native tongue in the back. Toad. So I was going to quickly follow that by saying, I sure hope he doesn’t listen to this and hear me say nice things about him. But, yeah, he really is a role model. He’s always

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Jason Bechtold: shown up for us. He’s always been present. We’ve always felt we’ve been. I say we, me and my brothers, his top priority. He’s treated us with respect from when we were young, shared the why behind our rules. So we understood. And the why behind the consequences. When we would, you know, break a rule and a spanking was a consequence, we would, you know, go into the bedroom and he would say, I’m sorry you chose a spanking. And that was brilliant. But it was psychological messing, too. It was so true. And I just wanted to be angry at him for enforcing the consequences that I basically chose. So it was genius. And it was just his heart. It was who he was. We knew the why behind things. Yeah. He explained why relationships were how my conversations went, certain ways with other people that we experienced. We were taught beyond our years, which was great. And something I do myself as my kids have been growing up.

David Hirsch: That’s fabulous. So, when you think about, takeaways, important takeaways, is there anything else that comes to mind when you think about your dad and some of the lessons learned?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, my dad was simple. I mean, uncomplicated. You knew what you were getting. There wasn’t any flash, anything exciting there. He was steady. He was faithful. He was loyal. God was his base. He would seek God’s will and all that he did. And he was obedient, and he lived a wonderful life that way. And that’s something I try to emulate as well. he always showed up. I remember he went back to Loyal University to get his master’s in social work, and he was running his Christian bookstore at the time as well and doing that in the evenings. So the intentional thing that he did was he gave each of us, boys an hour a week of dad time, whatever it was. We got an hour with him. And that was amazing. And he would do whatever it was. Sit down and play blocks with my brother. Throw a football. He hated throwing football. He’d throw it for an hour with me because it was my time. It was whatever I wanted. And it wasn’t until later that I realized he was rarely around during those times with school and bookstore. But he was intentional about that hour that was ours. And it felt richer than maybe even before he was going to school, when he was around often. But, that intentional personal time was amazing.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. you didn’t use the word present, but that’s what I heard you say. And while I might not have been physically present because of the other commitments that he had, that intentionality, you know, something that stuck with you. And I think that it’s, almost like making an appointment or having a date. Almost. Now it’s sort of weird to say that I’d have a date with my dad. But I love the, intentionality, especially around, you know, the rules. why are we doing things? What are the consequences if you break the rules? That is a brilliant way to administer, not corporal punishment, but to, you know, be very objective about why we’re doing what we’re doing. I think there’s some lessons to be learned there. I’m sort of curious to know what, if any, relationship did you have with your grandfathers first, starting with your dad’s dad and then your mom’s?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, my dad’s dad, Papa. They were out in, eastern Pennsylvania, out toward Amish country. He was a farmer. We visited them maybe once, twice a year. Growing up, the long through the night road trip that my dad would muscle through, and we would just magically wake up, you know, different states, like, we transported there. But as far as Papa, very quiet, hard working. I really did not know him well. He died of a brain aneurysm when I was younger, maybe 10, 12. Just remembered that he was there. And they provided my mom’s dad. They’re down in Springfield, and we visited them several times a year. Growing up, he was an engineer, a mechanic at Alice Chalmers, which was a tractor manufacturing company. And he was just the guy that could fix, build, do anything. Him and my grandma built their house from scratch. Like, they dug it out. And the whole thing that they lived in their whole lives is the house that they built when they were probably late teens. But he was quiet, he was present. And he would love to spend time with you, but he didn’t initiate it, but he was always there, and you could go to him and he was ready. But, yeah, he was always present. I remember that, too.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. the thought or idea that comes to mind with your maternal grandfather, the one from

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David Hirsch: Springfield, is that he seems like a bit of a MacGyver. Right. He could do anything. He can solve any problem. Right. Especially mechanically, based on his interest in his background, which is a really important skill. Right. I think, as we get to be older, Right. To, be able to, help solve problems. Not just, like, fix things around the house necessarily, but, as it relates to, helping people think through things.

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, for sure.

David Hirsch: So, my recollection was that you went to Northern Illinois University. You took a bachelor’s degree in business, and you also have an MBA from Webster. Where is it that you started your career?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, I was a wanderer. I don’t think I am anymore. But, yeah, I got out of school, started just at an internship that they created a full time job. It was in accounting. It was not my forte, but ended up was in church choir with a friend of mine who was an IT manager at McKesson. And we were going to go to lunch and I said, hey, by chance, you got any job openings? And he said, hey, now we have something to talk about. So he was an IT manager. I interviewed with him. He promptly showed me that I knew nothing about it, even though I thought I was really smart because I could sort some cells in Excel and do different things like that. And then after that somewhat embarrassing lunch interview, he offered me the job because he knew me as a person and customer service and problem solving. So I worked at McKesson for five years in IT and grew and learned a ton there. So that’s. That’s how I started off.

David Hirsch: Got it. So, my recollection though, before you were at McKesson was that you were part of the Army National Guard. And, what was your role there? What was your specialty?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, my role there was I was a weapons specialist in an infantry unit. That was really cool as a young guy because you had to shoot everything in order to be able to know how to fix it, repair it and everything. So I got to play with all kinds of really fun stuff. But yeah, that was, I mentioned before, you know, kind of floundering of things. I was. I think a lot of that was because I was doing it all on my own. Part of my parents parenting was to let us learn a lot of our mistakes naturally, how society gives us, you know, our consequences. And, you know, I joined the Army, I think, at 20. Didn’t even ask my parents, didn’t talk to them about it. I just did my thing. When I signed up to go to Northern Illinois, I didn’t ask them, I just did it. So that was a lot of my early on. Stubbornness, independent, doing things my way.

David Hirsch: So did you pick up some skills or certain discipline as it relates to your army experience or not?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, and that’s an interesting. People will say, oh, well, you always like to be early for meetings. That must be because you were in the Army. And it’s like, I think I went to the army because I was disciplined and I like the structure. So I think it was a good fit for me, not so much that it molded me. It was who I was. I love our country, and I had a hard time having other people protect me and my family, not doing that myself. So that was the core of me going in. So, yeah, it reinstilled that in me. Patriotism, a great experience.

David Hirsch: Well, thanks for sharing. So you transitioned from McKisson to Bain and Company where you worked for now 20 plus years. And what is your role there?

Jason Bechtold: Yes, I’m an IT director, manage help desks in several of our offices. What’s interesting is I’m a non technical person in a technical role. I feel I put my time in learning the technical stuff at McKesson and then I was hired as a manager at Bain and really got to work where my strengths are in leadership and people building, team building, process improvement, those types of things. So I am an IT director but really a leader in an IT role is really how it plays out.

David Hirsch: Thanks for sharing. So I’m sort of curious to know, how did you and Lori meet?

Jason Bechtold: A neighbor of mine was Lori’s hairdresser. So she knew I was going through Chrissy is her name. She knew I was going through a divorce and she was Lori’s hairdresser and I shaved my head so I don’t have a hairdresser. I don’t know how those things work. But apparently a hairdresser is somebody that women talk to like a guy might do it with the bartender, you tell them your whole story, they know everything and you catch up. So that was. She had heard Lori’s journey, you know, through her divorce years earlier and the dating process and say I think my neighbor is going to be on the market, you know, coming soon. And so that’s how it started and

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Jason Bechtold: we ended up just reaching out and connecting and it was, it’s amazing.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, I’d like to get to know Lori a little bit better if for no other reason, because of the work that she does at the Willow Creek Community Church and the Global Leadership Program. So you want to share with our audience what that is?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah. The company she works for is the Global Leadership Network and the main thing I’m proud of her for is she’s the executive producer of the Global Leadership Summit which is a two day amazing leadership summit in August, but there’s year round leadership development and she is in charge of all of it. Her and her teams are of just putting on an amazing conference, connecting with people, finding people, finding unique people, diverse group of people. She’s an amazing leader herself. I just feel humbled when I think about myself as a leader, being next to her because she’s got humility licked and she’s amazing and just being in that culture that she’s in at work and us having that at home of Leadership and growing and reading and trying to be our best selves. What a partnership we have. It’s. It’s really amazing.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. Having attended the, Global Leadership Summit on a number of occasions as recently as last year. It’s a big deal, right? We’re talking about some of the best of the best speakers from all over the country, around the world, for that matter. And, it’s a high order to be overseeing that program. So let’s switch gears and, talk about your kids and arbitrarily. I’m going to suggest we start with Tyler, who’s your middle child and son. I’m sort of curious to know. Before Tyler’s diagnosis, did you, have any connection to the world of disability or special needs?

Jason Bechtold: I really didn’t. Yeah. Had been in my own world. Didn’t have any relatives or close friends with anybody or children with disabilities, so, no. No real experience.

David Hirsch: So what is Tyler’s diagnosis and how did it come about?

Jason Bechtold: Started in end of kindergarten. He got diagnosed with ADHD, and that, hit to a T, and we started medication in first grade. And his kindergarten teacher, she deserves a badge of all kinds of things for working with him through kindergarten before the diagnosis. She was amazing. So, yes, the ADHD was what showed itself, first kind of coming into his teen years. What had been in the shadows more was Asperger’s. We had, an assessment done to reevaluate the ADHD as he was getting into his early teens, and that popped up, and it threw me off, because in my head it was always, well, it’s just ADHD. But then when I thought about it, it clicked so much. The Asperger’s aspect of the autism. So really gave, not necessarily a name to it that made such a difference, but the symptoms helped understand things in a different light, really helped me shift expectations, realizing that there was a disability at play beyond the ADHD.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. it is a little bit later diagnosis than many, but like you said, maybe it was because it was in the shadow of the ADHD and you don’t know what you don’t know. And I’m sort of curious to know if there’s any advice you got as a result of the Asperger’s diagnosis that, provided you with a certain direction or insight.

Jason Bechtold: I had not learned, my life lessons yet of asking for help and not trying to do everything on my own. I knew best, you know, was kind of my thoughts, and I was. I was winging It. It was my son, and I was going to do the best. I was going to read books. But I wish I would have known about, the network you have created here, David. And I didn’t look for it. There were plenty of things out there, I’m sure, but I did not look for it. I was. I was doing what I knew best.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, like I said a minute ago, you don’t know what you don’t know. And our inclination as men, just as a gender, is not to seek advice. Right. We’re going to figure it out on our own. And, you know, getting from point A to point B in your car is, you know, something different than raising a child or raising a child with a, different, challenge. So it’s, it’s enlightening. And, I think no matter where you are, you just have to move forward with the best information and resources that you have. And, I’m sort of curious to know, and again, not to focus on the negative, but what have been some of the biggest challenges that either Tyler’s encountered himself or that you’ve encountered as a parent?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, good question. Maybe

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Jason Bechtold: similar to my dad’s, but I’m. I do not want to enable my kids. It’s a lot of, hey, learn your life experiences. You know, choices and consequences is, you know, is what’s preached in our house from when they were young. And that wasn’t working with Tyler, with the Asperger’s. And so it’s been an ongoing thought process for me of what is that balance of trusting that he can do something and then things don’t go well, and how much do I let him suffer the consequences? Is it Asperger’s? Is it just a teenage boy not wanting to do something? And so that’s been and is an ongoing struggle of, am I enabling him? Am I pushing him beyond what the Asperger’s really allows him to do? Yeah, that’s the, fight I have often here.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, what are his biggest challenges? What is it about the Asperger’s that, makes things challenging for him or for you as a parent, thinking ahead.

Jason Bechtold: For himself and really not fearing consequences. if he gets let go from a job, it can be a shoulder shrug and, well, I’ll find something else. And, okay, that was the thing with him growing up. His consequences didn’t really affect him. At one point, I took his door off of his bedroom because I don’t even remember what it was for. But if he had food up in his room or something. I’m like, well, if we can’t trust you, I’m going to take the door. The door was off for two years, and he didn’t care. He never asked, dad, can I get the door back? It was just an embracing of, okay, I just don’t have a door. I don’t have a door. And he was good with that. And so it made consequences difficult. And in those situation, consequences are not as big of a deal. But when you’re 20 and you have a job and you’re looking go to school, those consequences make a difference. And so coaching him, parenting him through those, that’s the tricky balance again, you know, he doesn’t embrace the severity of the consequences for long term.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, there’s got to be a silver lining in there. That’s what I’m thinking, is that, you know, it sounds like he’s a young man that lets things roll off his back. Right. And, there’s a thought that is really hard to accept in the world of disability for parents mostly, which is, you know, if you can train yourself not to care what people say, think or do, life is so much easier. Right. And maybe he’s just got a head start on that. Right. It’s not that he’s unaware, but it’s not going to impact him. Right. And that’s. That’s actually if you could try to figure out how to position that sort of mindset or his way of thinking about things to his advantage. Those are really important traits to have.

Jason Bechtold: So agreed. He’s a great role model for me. And him and I have had this conversation of it being a disability and then just playing on that to it being a disability. Like your disability gives you this ability and we talk through that. And his resilience is amazing. And his blunt honesty is a gift. You know where you stand with him, you know, you know what’s going on. He doesn’t hesitate to tell me basically every time we pass. I love you, dad. He doesn’t have that pride, ego, get in the way of is this gonna look weird if I say this in public or my friends hear me? That’s who he is, and he doesn’t care. And it’s amazing these abilities that this has produced for him.

David Hirsch: Yeah, I love it. So I’m sort of curious to know what, if any, impact, Tyler’s situation has had on his sisters or your marriage or extended family, for that matter.

Jason Bechtold: His sisters, they’re his siblings and they gave him less slack for things if he was at dinner and he was chewing with his mouth open for the sixth time. They were not calm and patient. They would let him know quickly, and they would also let him know the consequences of not doing it. So they would. They were more vocal and direct with him, all lovingly, and those were more of the effects. But I think when you asked me earlier, you know, if I had experience with people with disabilities growing up, I really didn’t. And they, they do. And they absolutely adore their brother who has Asperger’s. And I think it was great for them growing up with that, to give them an understanding and to have an empathy in the world.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. It’s good to hear.

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David Hirsch: And I think as the kids get older, this is my experience, our kids are 28 to 35. There’s five of them. They were like cats and dogs. I mean, there was a point in time, I’m thinking they’re just going to kill each other. Right. You know, they’re not even going to make it out of their teenage years. And, you know, as they got to be older, they just got more mature and they weren’t as competitive with one another. They have some amazing relationships. So I’m hoping that that’s your experience as well.

Tom Couch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin. Thank you. Now, back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: So I’d like to switch gears and talk, about your, oldest daughter, Jordan. What was the challenge that she’s, experienced or even experiencing? What’s the backstory?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, so she was, she was working at Target and was struggling with some migraines and vertigo and was trying to figure out what’s going on. She was living with her boyfriend up in Wisconsin at the time and was hitting doctors trying to figure out what was going on. And one of the doctors said, hey, let’s just do a quick MRI. You know, it wasn’t the first check, but eventually they did that and they found a brain tumor a little bigger than a ping pong ball probably. And at 20 years old. So that was not what you expect. It wasn’t. You know, what we drew up on the Whiteboard for her life, when she was born. So a month later, she was in University of Wisconsin Hospital and had brain surgery, had the tumor removed. And unfortunately, it’s the kind of cancer that it’s not if it returns, but it’s when it returns. So they could not get everything. And so they know that there are, this is my understanding of it, cancer seeds, so to speak, there that they could not see to get out. So it started with, MRI every three months just to check, and hopefully everything looks the same as it did three months ago. Now it’s been several years, and so it’s every four months now, and it will be very slow growing when it does come back. So if in four months the change has happened, it’ll just be a little, you know, a little bit different in the MRI, and then they can take action as needed. But I guess the biggest impact is at, 20 years old, you’re thinking, okay, I’m doing this for school. Here’s my career, here’s my family goals, here’s. And then this wrecking ball comes in. And how do you reconcile and move forward with life when it feels like you have a death sentence looming over you, even though that’s not really what it is? But at 20, trying to process this and seeing long term is hard. So that’s how that played out. And it’s been amazing being her person on this journey and being there for her.

David Hirsch: So has she had any, complications as a result of the surgery? Any intellectual deficits, any imbalance issues, you know, or is it just the fear of knowing that you’ve got this, you know, thing hanging over your head, literally, going forward?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah. Really no. No consequences. a couple days post surgery, she had a couple seizures, which is terrifying thing to witness if you’re the dad and you see your kid having that. But that was to be expected, they said, after, you know, brain surgery, but since then, really, no. Migraines sometimes, but not necessarily even related to this. So it’s. It is that the looming knowing it’s out there?

David Hirsch: Yeah, that would be, That would be pretty challenging. but, you know, if you look at the glass being half full, maybe it gives you a better appreciation for life. Right. You just don’t take things for granted. And, you know, I’ve got this, you know, threatening situation, and I’m gonna get the things done that I want to get done. Right. Maybe not just live for the moment entirely, but, you know, be more present and appreciate what is. If potentially, you know, my life might be shortened by the condition. So I’m hoping, from your lips to God’s ears, that this is a situation that’s in the rearview mirror. And while it’s not, if, but a when, that, that one will be decades, decades down

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David Hirsch: the road. So that, you know, this won’t be anything that, will be an impairment for. For Jordan.

Jason Bechtold: Agreed. And who knows what technology is going to come up, you know, so that’s, that’s another hope that we have.

David Hirsch: Absolutely. So let’s switch gears and talk about your youngest, Jessica, who just turned 18 recently. I know that she’s got an exciting path that she’s, indicated that she’s going to pursue. So why don’t you start there and then, you know, tell us sort of what the backstory is.

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, Jessica’s amazing. she’s 18. Her. Yeah, she’s a senior in high school. She has come across in the past year that her passion in life is to be a firefighter. And I love that. And I love that she found what it is. Not necessarily that is firefighting, but whatever it is, she is all in and she knows that. So that’s what she’s looking to be. She’s taken courses already. She had an internship at the fire department and realized that she cannot be an actual firefighter until she’s 21 years old in Illinois. So it’s kind of that three year gap of graduating high school. What do you do to fill that? She’s a go getter. She looked into the army and she is enrolled in the army and she is going to be a firefighter in the army. She ships out June 3rd and she will do her boot camp her. And when she gets out, she’s 23 years old, five years of experience and her passion in her field as a veteran with school paid for, and she’s just going to impact the world.

David Hirsch: So what do you think it was that inspired her to pursue the firefighting path?

Jason Bechtold: She’s a helper. She’s a leader. I went to a concert with her last night for her birthday, and we’re up in the front dining room at this place, and she just starts talking with these other girls in front of us and just starts making friends and before concerts over there, trading contact information, and they’re inviting her up to this next concert somewhere. I mean, that’s who she is. She connects with people, she loves people, she leads them and she wants to help people. And so the firefighter is. It’s just. It’s who she is. And she’s fairly fearless, you know, as far as the firefighting aspect of it. She’s brave. She’s very brave.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. We’ll have to check in a number of years down the road and see, where she’s at, but, there’s been some, challenges, in middle school and high school, and I’m wondering if you could shed a light on that.

Jason Bechtold: Yeah. About two years ago, Jessica shared that this goes back to her bravery that she had been sexually abused by a relative for six years. And that’s still hard to say. Someone I love, someone that I trusted, especially, my key things as a dad is I’m a protector. And that’s a tough reality to admit and own. And that’s been one of the big healing pieces of this, is owning that with her and apologizing for not protecting her over those years, and not because I knew anything was going on, but. But still. And she’s, our relationship is absolutely amazing. It was a rough six years, and I didn’t know why. I figured it was teenage stuff, but, man, finding the gift, you know, Our relationship is absolutely amazing now, more than I could have ever expected with any of my kids. It’s amazing. Yeah.

David Hirsch: Ah, well, I’ve not experienced the situation that you’re describing, but it sounds like it’s been a traumatic experience, first for Jessica. Then, you know, it’s like a hand grenade going off in your family, literally within your own nuclear family, and then, like, your larger family, because this is a relative. And, has therapy played an important role in the journey, Jessica’s journey, your journey, or not?

Jason Bechtold: Yes. That was a key first piece, was finding somebody that Jessica trusted and felt comfortable with. And we found a great therapist, Christian therapist, and it’s been a great connect, and I actually see the same therapist. A big lesson I’ve learned is that vulnerability is true strength. I shared growing up, I could do it all myself. I thought that was strength, but

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Jason Bechtold: I made so many mistakes, and now vulnerability is really where it’s at. And like you mentioned before, that’s not natural for us guys. Man, once we embrace it, that’s where the good stuff is. That’s where we grow. That’s where we really find out who we are. The therapy has been great for Jessica. Great relationship. Yeah. And for me, too.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, it’s good to hear. Thank you for, emphasizing that. And I’m wondering, with the bit of hindsight that you have on how this has all evolved and your unawareness for six years and then sort of dealing with the aftermath of knowing and trying to figure out the path forward. The last two are there. Is there any advice that you can share with a dad who might not be connecting with his daughter. Son for that matter. But I’m thinking it’s a little bit easier for guys to understand their sons because we were young boys, but it’s a little bit more challenging to understand what is going on in the, lives of minds of our daughters because we don’t know what it’s like to be a girl. Right. Straight up. And are there any insights that you can share with other dads if they might suspect something or a way of handling a situation to bring this to the surface sooner? Right. So instead of waiting six years, and I don’t know how this all came about, the discovery or the disclosure of it, but it would have been great, again, with the benefit of hindsight, to be able to be in touch with that, you know, in only five years or four years or three years. Right. So that the trauma might have been less. Any insights?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, I would say protect. And that does not mean overly control, but and have the conversations with your daughters that, that’s, that’s your role and that’s your heart behind what you’re doing when you don’t just flippantly let a sleepover happen at someone’s house. Oh, I have to hear the guidelines. I have to meet the parents first. I have to come over to the house after, do this. You know, why don’t we host and even though it’s going to probably, annoy them, why don’t you just trust? Why don’t you just trust? And your answer is, because I love you and I’m protecting you. I know you may not see that that’s, that’s why God put me here. You know, it’s really helped me shift seeing parenting to these are my kids to they’re God’s kids and I’m just a steward. While they’re here, I’m taking care of God’s kids. And so it’s okay to double check. It’s okay to say no. It’s way more than okay. It’s amazing to have boundaries and to have limits on the phones. What are they doing? What are they protecting? What are they exposing themselves to? Err on the side of protecting.

David Hirsch: Yeah, thanks for the insight. Another way I guess I’m trying to figure this out is knowing everything you know now and again with the benefit of hindsight. Is there a question or questions that you could have asked Jessica that might have, prompted her to be more forthcoming about the circumstance with this, call it secret. Right. That she might have been embarrassed or ashamed about.

Jason Bechtold: I don’t know that there’s any. I think the relationship being at a different place would have made it. I don’t know that there are any, you know, silver bullet questions to ask that would unlock it or anything. It’s really being that safe place that they feel you are an advocate for them. And I think even those protection boundaries shared with them and explained to them, even if they’re frustrated with it, like my dad thoroughly explaining the why behind the rules, the why behind the no to the sleepover, it may annoy them in the moment, but in their heart, they know it’s because you love them. And so keep doing those things, saying those things, they sink in. Even though it feels like you’re chopping an axe on concrete and it’s not going anywhere, keep doing it. It sinks in more than you know.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, I’m hoping that, the situation that you’ve described, which is still sort of an open situation as far as the resolution of it all gets resolved in an equitable manner, and that, as the years and hopefully decades go by, it’s put in its place, proper perspective, and it’s

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David Hirsch: going to serve as a source of strength as time goes by, you know, lessons learned. And it’s unfortunate that what’s transpired has transpired, within your family. But, I’d like to think that with time, that there’s going to be some, silver linings or some benefits that aren’t immediately obvious today.

Jason Bechtold: Agreed. I think all of these are opportunities for me to help others and not just be sympathetic, but to be empathetic. And I can relate. I can be there. I can talk about it. I’ve experienced it. I’ve felt what you’re going through. We could. I can do this with you. I didn’t have that before in these critical fathering situations.

David Hirsch: So I’d like to talk about Wayco, which is an acronym for what are you capable of? And this is, you know, your coaching leadership business beyond what you do at Bain. And I’m wondering what the backstory is there. When did it start? And, what is it that you do?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, it started about two years ago. I’ve been unofficially coaching for probably 10, 12 years. I actually do executive coaching, leadership coaching at Bain with senior managers and partners in addition to my IT role. That’s part I’ve been able to get into there and really wanted to make an impact. And this is what my coaching is on the outside. It’s again, yeah, what are you capable of? I think it’s such a key question that very few of us really dig into, let ourselves dream there or be vulnerable enough to talk about the exciting but really scary things that are in our lives. And this goes back to the vulnerability is strength. And so that’s why I started, the company is really want to provide a safe place for men, for dads, for husbands to really dig into what they’re capable of. And at the core of that is self leadership and finding out who you are. And then that really trickles into who you are as a husband, who you are as a dad, who you are as a leader in industry, who you are as a business owner, who you are everywhere else. But really the core is who are you as a person and are you doing the work to be what, what you’re capable of, what God made you to be. so that’s, that’s the, the forum that I offer. I love it. My most satisfying thing is down the road, a guy will say, I didn’t know I could do that. And they’re beaming and they’re just becoming. Yeah. Who God made them to be and beyond what they expected.

David Hirsch: So is it exclusively men? Because you mentioned men, dads, fathers, or do you coach or counsel, women as well?

Jason Bechtold: I keep it to men. It’s also a good boundary for me. We get vulnerable if we get real. I just feel doing that with a woman is just tiptoeing toward the edge of bad decisions. Not that I feel vulnerable, but I just don’t want to. And like you said, we can’t relate to our daughters as much, but we can relate to our sons. I can be sympathetic to women, but I can be empathetic with guys and really make an impact. So that’s a boundary I have in place.

David Hirsch: I just wanted to be clear about that. And if there’s an avatar, somebody, that you know you’re thinking of, what’s the person’s MO. What person would benefit most from the type of coaching that you do?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, it’s. It’s somebody that’s doing really well, but they know there’s more, there’s untapped, and they’re not sure how to get there. They’re doing what they know, but they feel they’ve got a ceiling and they want to break through and they want to do amazing things. And somebody who’s willing to be vulnerable and have tough conversations and really be open to blind spots, because that’s where a lot of the breakthroughs happen.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing. I’m hoping that just as a result of including this as part of our conversation, that more people are aware of what you do and, how you do things. So what role has spirituality played on your journey?

Jason Bechtold: Yeah, it’s been key, for sure. That’s another, I guess, silver lining of each of these situations is it’s gone deeper because I do really well when everything’s in my control.

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Jason Bechtold: But, God’s got a sense of humor and, you know, things come along where nothing seems in your control. And that’s when I become fully reliant him. And I realize how foolish I’ve been for leaning on myself more in life throughout. So that’s a change that is here to stay for me, that in all things, I am relying on God. I’m looking for his opinion, his will, his guidance, and I’m. I just want to obey and. Yeah. Guides me through life.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. I think that’s a direct result of the upbringing you had and having a dad as a pastor. Right. Somebody who lived his Christian values. So thanks again for sharing.

Jason Bechtold: Yes.

David Hirsch: So why is it that you’ve agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Jason Bechtold: The gifts that I’ve gotten from the struggles in life and what I’ve gone through, I just want to pay that forward, share that I went through it on my own, and I didn’t have that. Not because it wasn’t there. I didn’t look for it. So I want to help any way I can. I really feel that that’s why God’s, you know, put these in my life. I can, again, have empathy. I can relate. I can be there for others. And that’s. That’s why we’re here.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, we’re thrilled to have you. Thank you for being part of the network. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Jason Bechtold: Just summarizing, if anything. You’ve been great at asking questions and drawing this out of me, really. Just being present for your kids, loving them, telling them why you’re doing what you’re doing, even if it doesn’t feel like it’s sinking in, and just be there. let them know you love them, even if you feel silly when you do it. It’s building that foundation for great conversations going forward.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Pearls of wisdom. Thank you. Let’s give a special shout out to Metra for helping connect us.

Jason Bechtold: Yes.

David Hirsch: So if somebody wants to, learn more about Wayco or to contact you, what’s the best way to do so?

Jason Bechtold: Yes, Wayco coaching. Again, Wayco stands for what are you capable of? So W A Y C O coaching.com you can catch me on LinkedIn. Jason.bechtold@gmail.com but yeah, any of this sounded interesting to you or something I can help. I’m here. I would love to help you with anything you’re going through.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that information in the show notes. It’ll make it as easy as possible for somebody to follow up. Jason, thank you for taking the time and many insights. As a reminder, Jason is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network, a mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, Please go to 21stcenturydads.org thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dad’s foundation is a 501c3 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a tax actable contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Jason. Thanks again.

Jason Bechtold: Thank you David, and thanks for all you do.

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david@21stcenturydads.org

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch. Thanks again to Amgen. Committed to unlocking the potential of biology for patients suffering from serious illnesses by discovering, developing, manufacturing and delivering innovative human therapeutics. Discover more about Amgen’s mission at Amgen.com.

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