396 – Olivier Cortambert, London, Head Of Solutions Architecture at Yospace & Father Of A Son With A Rare Undiagnosed Disease

Transcript:

SFN Dad To Dad 396 – Olivier Cortambert, London, Head Of Solutions Architecture at Yospace & Father Of A Son With A Rare Undiagnosed Disease

Olivier Cortambert has an undiagnosed disease

Olivier Cortambert: What we see is that he is very good at communicating. He will take you by the hand, he will push you and put the toys that he wants you to play with in your hands and tell you where to put it. He has his trust mind. He’s happy to play with you. And I think that’s the joy that we get. And, hopefully the talking will come.

David Hirsch: That’s our guest this week, Olivier Cortambert, a solution architect for new technology and a father of three year old Antoine, and who has an undiagnosed disease with low muscle tone, hearing loss and is non verbal. And we’re gonna hear Olivier’s family story on this Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

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David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. One brief message. The Special Fathers Network Mastermind Group experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs, meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books and sharing heartfelt challenges. The Mastermind Group is free for the first 30 days. Stop trying to figure out things on your own. I invite you to join one of the existing Special Fathers Network Mastermind groups. You’ll meet some extraordinary dads, exchange a lot of best practices and recharge your fatherhood battery for the journey ahead. It might just transform your life like it’s done for so many others. For more information, please see the show notes or Simply go to 21st centurydads.org.

David Hirsch: Now let’s listen in to this conversation between Olivier Cortambert and David Hirsch.

Olivier Cortambert is father of a young son with rare disease

David Hirsch: I’m, thrilled to be talking today with Olivier Cortambert of London, England, who is head of solution architecture at yospace and a global leader in server side ad insertion technology and the father of a young son with a rare but undiagnosed disease. Olivier, thank you for taking the time to do a podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Olivier Cortambert: Well, thank you very much, David, for having me. It’s a huge, pleasure. It’s also very, intimidating to be, part of the, amazing people that you interviewed.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, no reason to be intimidated. We’re just going to have a lot of fun, taking a deep dive on family and work and things that are important to us. So you and your wife Fang have been married for seven years and are the proud parents of Antoine, three, who has a genetically tested but undiagnosed disease which presents with low muscle tone, hearing loss. He’s non verbal as well as difficulty in swallowing and walking. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Olivier Cortambert: Yes, I was born in France, as you can hear, and also for my name it’s very French. XC was difficult for you to pronounce. Ah, so I was born in Lyon, France, which is the third biggest city in France. And when I was five we moved closer to the Spanish border, close to Barcelona, so on the Mediterranean side in a small town which was 6,000 people. And I did all my cularity here until I was 18. I was doing kind of okay. my father ah, is an anesthesist. So he was working in the local clinic and my mother was taking care of my sister who is five years older and my younger brother who is three years younger. And then I studied in Toulouse for five years and then I moved to Norway to work where I started my careers. I moved to Finland for a year, then moved back to Norway. and then I’ve been in Lond for a long time, almost 10 years now. My family were, I would say a classic family I think. My mother was a pharmacist, but with three children to take care, she decided they decided together I’m sure to raise her. So she was really taking care of us and I was playing rugby so she had to take me to my training, take me to the games. Yeah. My father was a doctor so it’s always also a bit intimidating, similar. I think I have this intimidation for people who have a job which is a life ah, and death matter in a way where. And I’ve always been very stressed when things are at stake. So I haven’t been very good in exams or important tests. I was stressed out and I’m not sure that’s something I learned from my parents, because my father never appeared so stressed. But I know he has been into very stressful and difficult situations. And I think that’s something that I always admire for him is that despite having to deal with matters that were extremely important because it’s a life of someone, he’s always been very kind to us and always supportive at home and never bring back. I think I would expect the heavy weight on his shoulder when he was at home or at least didn’t

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Olivier Cortambert: show it to us. My mother also was extremely dedicated in raising everything else and told us to be respectful and ah, to try our best. And she never gave up on us. No matter how bad he’s been, my brother had some difficulties for some time. Life has been really hard for him. Not even there. But my mother really did all she could to support him and to take him to walks, like taking gang out and push him so that he get out. And he’s now finally, living a great life with his partner. And I think that’s also like another thing that has really been inspiring is to see that, even though when things are really grim and you know, family will always be there for you and so you have to count on them. And now we see it, every time when they come to see Antoine or offer to help him. So they have to fly, you know, two hours, take another two hours train. So it’s a day journey to come to help us. But they do it as much as they can. And I think that’s something you have to be very grateful. And I think that’s also. What is this podcast about is that the presence of the family members and the dedication of fathers, grandfathers and uncles or whoever model which are here to support you whenever you can. And this is where you realize that family is really, important.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for the flyby. If I were to paraphrase what you’ve said, you grew up as the middle child and your parents were both professionals. Your dad was a doctor, your mom was a pharmacist, and they were really, there and involved looking out for you and your siblings and that you had the opportunity to, travel a little bit for work, beyond your country of origin. You know, you’ve been in the UK now for about 10 years. So I’m sort of curious to know a little bit more about your relationship with your dad. And I’m wondering how you would describe your relationship with your dad.

Olivier Cortambert: I think the main thing that appeared to me is this year, I’m 40 years old and this milestone like, kind of mocked me because I think the first strong memory I have with my parents, that I can vividly remember is when I was 10 years old, when we did some hiking and we went camping. And I remember that I was thinking that my parents knew everything and they have everything figured out in a way. And so when they didn’t know something, somehow I was disappointed and angry or when they were doing mistakes, I could understand how they could say something that wasn’t right. And now that I am 40, I just understand that they are actually normal people, and that you don’t suddenly become, aware of Everything. And you don’t figure out everything. And you are justly, you keep on needing to. To learn. and that doesn’t happen magically. So I think that’s, the thing that really when I was thinking about my father is like, yeah, he grow a lot. I can feel it change a lot. And he grew and he learned how to get closer to us. I think when I was younger, I feel that, there was, a bit of a more like, traditional way of. Of parenting maybe, where there is a bit of space between the parents and the child in a way that, parents give you boundaries. They kind of tell, you what to do, but you get less, maybe, emotion, connection in a way that. Not that we were not getting, but this is something that, as we probably both grow older, got be able to get closer to each other and actually hug each other. I remember that one. Your podcast is it’s great to have autistic children because they still hug you when they are 35. I’m also able to hug my father. And I think this is something that both of us actually learn separately, but I think we went that way together. What I learned with my father is that, as long as there’s love between your father and your child, then you will find a way to stay together and to get closer. And I think you have to make the effort. So love needs to be there, but it’s just not enough. It’s also this need to make an effort about yourself so that you grow better and you understand things better and try to understand my father better, but also to. From the other side, to be able to get closer, I think.

David Hirsch: Well, thank you for sharing. I think we’re all evolving. Right. You know, we don’t know it.

David Hirsch: All. Right.

David Hirsch: And you’re sort of learning on the job, especially as it relates to parenting.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: You know, you could read a lot of books, but, you know, there’s a big difference between what you might read and, you know, real life, if you will.

Olivier Cortambert: Yeah.

David Hirsch: So it’s great to hear that you’ve, maintained a good close relationship with your parents.

Did you have a relationship or know your grandfathers when you were growing up

Wondering if there is any influence from grandparents. Did you have a relationship or know your grandfathers when you were growing up?

Olivier Cortambert: Yeah, I knew both my grandfathers, and again, they were very different. so, on my father’s side, my. My grandfather was a war hero,

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Olivier Cortambert: and he’s been doing a career in the military and moved to a lot of different countries, which maybe is why I’m so keen to Travel also. But he was. Yeah, I think is this what I would call traditional way, where there was a, bit of a boundaries and, a bit less fun time and more like teaching time, which I think when you’re a child is maybe harder to understand that this comes from a place of love and not necessarily from, it’s just a place of giving orders, which, now that I’m older, I can understand it. But at the time it was harder. So I didn’t feel as close as my grandfather on my maternal side, which was much warmer and, very into, understanding me also in the way that he wanted to know me better. And he was interested in what I was interested. We were like, doing computer things. So he was working for, a Catholic organization that help people. And he was the IT person in a way. But, as an older person, it was a bit hard for him to stay in touch. And I was very keen to help him and to spend time with him. So I spent countless hours helping him on the computer to help him to be able to perform his operation. And there we were able to discuss about everything and discuss about what I like about music and discuss about also what it was, his hobbies. So he was, a sculptor, and he was very good with arts. He used to be an architect. And so I think, yeah, that was really like both grandparents, sometimes the lesson you learn takes years to grow. So it’s really. You’re planting a seed in a way. and I think even though, like, sadly, my both grandparents passed away. And the thing that I regret the most is just not to have spent more time with them and telling them that I love them both maybe realizing a bit late that, you know.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing. two different role models. Right. In addition to your dad, your dad’s dad, who was the, war hero who maybe came across a little bit stricter or stern.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: You know, old school, if you will, and, you know, not the opposite, but somebody who, you know, you were a little bit more in touch with your maternal grandfather. You know, it’s. It’s important to have role models.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: Not everybody gets to know their grandparents. They might have died before they were born or died at a young age where they wouldn’t have much of an influence. So you look back on it and you realize how much a blessing it is to have had a relationship with both of your grandfathers and I hope your grandmothers, for that matter.

Olivier Cortambert: Yeah.

David Hirsch: I’m wondering if there’s anybody else, in addition to your dad and Your grandfathers that might have had some influence on you as a young guy or perhaps as a, a young adult for that matter.

Olivier Cortambert: Yeah, I think like the main person I can think of is one of my first managers. His name is Christian Kimicheland. He was my manager when I was working in Norway. And he’s a very known person in the world of podcasts. He’s been there for a very long time and he’s been strikingly successful in innovative solution. so the graphics that you see on TV is part of it is thanks to his work and he’s been doing this a long time and he’s just been very keen to me and I remember when I started and it’s a bit the same as I’m here. I’m in this position where this is all new to me. I don’t really know anything. I don’t feel very well equipped to do what I supposed to do. But I have this drive that I know I have to accomplish something. And I think then having somebody that was very keen to actually show me things, to explain me things, to take me to different meetings, which sometimes were not necessary, didn’t bring really much to the table. But I was able to learn a lot and have this transmission of knowledge from somebody that knows a lot and is just sharing its without expecting, didn’t expect much in return. And I think that makes a huge difference in my life. And he’s also very friendly. So we also feel very close to him on the side. So it’s a bit of a father. He is a father figure to me. Like he’s very important to me. And like I said, I hope I will come back. I always tell him that I hope I can work with him again. But yeah, it’s just always a pleasure to see him and meet him and I think, I think yeah, someone that hasn’t figured out everything as I know understand that nobody really has. But as the experience and has been through similar things and I’ve been able to pass. Your obstacle is important because everybody has different life, everybody has different obstacles. And I think especially for us, we see that every children is different, but our children are even more different than others. And even more specials and being able to hear stories about how they handle difficulties is a way for us to understand that there is a way, there is a way. We don’t necessarily know how far

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Olivier Cortambert: of our children we go. And I think this one of your podcasts again that the way we Measure success is different. And I think that’s something that I’m still trying to, to understand how we measure success for my son. Because he’s not always hoping to miss you. I would hope he would be a huge rugby player or maybe a soccer player, but it’s not a bad thing. But it’s just figuring out these things and I think talking with other fathers which have also to deal with this, with this change of notion of how do we ensure the success of our children is very inspiring and very important to me because without it I don’t think I will have the perspective to rearrange my thinking and I would really be blocked on that point.

David Hirsch: Yeah.

You’re at a different point in your life as a young parent now

Well, thank you for sharing about Christian, the first manager who you’ve maintained a relationship with over a longer period of time. And some people just seem to pour into our lives at different points in time and maybe what’s happening, the seeds are getting planted so that when you have more experience, you’ll be able to pour into others like others poured into you. There’s a lot to learn and you know, I think one of your strengths is that you know, you’re open minded, right? You’re not going to try to do this all yourself and you know that you’ve learned a lot from your dad, from your grandfathers, from individuals like Christian. And you’re, you know, at a different point in your life as a young parent, as a young father now. And you know you’re going to be looking to others, right, to provide advice and some insight so that you’re not trying to figure this out on your own and that not only will you benefit, but your wife will benefit and most importantly, Anton will benefit from your openness and curiosity.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: That evolution and continued learning that you were talking about earlier.

Yospace provides software that lets broadcasters insert ads into live TV streams

So I’m very curious to know about what does the head of solutions architecture at yospace do and what is yospace anyway?

Olivier Cortambert: Yes, we are I think a small ah, company. I would say we have about 60 people based in the UK in Staines, which is just outside London. And we are an IT company. So we do software for bluecaster. So what we deliver specifically is the system that allows you to insert advertisement into a stream. so when you’re watching what we call OTT stream, so when it’s your Disney app or another type of DirecTV app, for example, where you’re streaming to your mobile or your tv, then the stream is targeted to you and customized to you. And during the ad Breaks. Instead of seeing the same ads as every household in the country, you would get ads that are targeted to your, hopefully interest and your location. So that’s the idea. So that allows, you to, for the broadcaster to make more money, by selling these targeted ads. And for you, hopefully also gives you a more interesting ad that are actually targeted to your interest or targeted to something that can be useful to you.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, it sounds a little bit like Big Brother, right? You’ve got a lot more information at your disposal and you’re able to use that information, leverage that information right to the end user, right, the consumer. And it’s sort of fascinating, right? I don’t understand that type of technology, but I know that it exists. And I’m thinking, you know, the information must be gathered just by like your cell phone, right? Like it’s picking up information and you unknowingly are talking about something and all of a sudden you haven’t even done a search, right, you know, on the Internet and all of a sudden you’re getting ads for something that you were just talking about recently. I’m like, oh my God, this is insane. How does that all work? So I’m going to give yospace, some credit for what’s going on behind.

Olivier Cortambert: The scenes, just inserting the ads. So we are not the technology that do, the tracking and the selection of the ad. So all this is done by an ad server which, which the most known in the population will be Google. So when you’re using Google, the Google search for example, or any other Google product, they actually read and track everything that you do. And so they build a profile for you. And based on that profile, they can select the advertisement. It is becoming, as you say, better and better in a way that is also kind of able to predict what you’re thinking. But they are not listening to your microphone or it’s not, it’s not that at that point yet, but they are basically looking at everything you’re doing online. And so this is of course very valuable data, which is why you have access to all this, free software. Because we, can make the money by selling your data. So that’s, that’s where you have this, this choice. If you rather pay monthly or if you rather have a free. With something that tracks you, you still have the freedom to, to select us.

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Olivier Cortambert: Fair enough.

How did you meet Fang and how did you settle in London

David Hirsch: So, let’s talk about family. I’m sort of curious to know how is it that you and Fang met.

Olivier Cortambert: Yes, it was a time where I was working with another Christian actually. So I was working in visa in the, in our Oslo office and we had an office in Beijing. And so I was doing trainings in China for about three weeks and Fang was working in the office as a manager. So we talk and things went well. We visited the city together. She, she showed me around, showed me the uton which is this small strips with the old city where they have a lot of shops and nice restaurants and we tried a lot of different foods and we really liked each other. So we continued to see each other after that trip and every couple of months we would see each other until we decided to get a step further. And for that we thought that Oslo was not the best place because of course for her it was a big change to come to Europe and then also coming to a country where she doesn’t speak the language well, it’s difficult. And also I was talking to Christian and we had a very good person in, in London, was called Red Jenkins who was the manager at the time which passed away. And he was very influential person also in my life and in the broadcast world also. So I was, I had disappointed to work under him. And with this we were able to move together with my wife and she came to London and it was difficult for her. Also at the start the cultural difference between China and in UK is there and it’s a very different way of thinking. But now she’s very much adjusted and we are both pretty happy with our life in London and with the support that we’re getting from the country. Especially since Antoine is born.

David Hirsch: So Mandarin, English, French, Norwegian. Is there a common language or common way of communicating or do you speak in all those languages?

Olivier Cortambert: No. So I speak English at home, as I speak a little bit of Norwegian but I just speak English and French. That’s my two language and fungus English and Chinese. And Antoine, as you mentioned earlier, he has a bilateral hearing loss so it’s not completely deaf but he is mid to loss. so he’s wearing hearing aids. But the fact that he has this hearing loss delayed in development and the three language M is a lot of challenge for him to overcome to speak. So it’s it’s unknown when he will speak but what we see is that he is very good at communicating. So he will take you by the hands, he will push you and put you where he wants you to be. He will put the toys that he wants you to play with in your hands and tell you where to put it. So it’s. He has his trust mind. He’s happy to play with you. And I think that’s the joy that we get. And hopefully the talking will come. Yeah.

David Hirsch: Well, thank you for sharing.

Prior to Antoine’s diagnosis, did you or Fang have any connection to disability

so, I’d like to, know. Prior to Antoine’s diagnosis, did you or Fang have any connection to the world of disability or special needs for that matter?

Olivier Cortambert: No, not at all. Not in our family or not even my friends. I remember when I was young, there was some disabled people kind of in the background in a way. I would say that we knew that some family had visible child, but, never really have, any, I’d say very much contact with them or anything or didn’t really think about it or. And at the time, I think at the time I was just thinking, oh, wasn’t interested in learning or talking to disabled people or being part of this. And things have very much changed now. And it’s it’s very eye opening. I think that the way that I think kind of the society, or maybe I’m saying the society, but it was maybe personally that you’re closing your eyes on disability and. And trying to not just avoid it, but just like really not see it in the way that doesn’t exist. In a way. Once you’re part of the community, then you. You realize of how amazing these people are in the way that they are very, inclusive in the. Very supportive. And there’s a lot of love in the community, which you. Which I think I learned just a lot by being part of this community. And I think that’s why it’s also very important these other groups and everything is that if you stay, on your side and you don’t join the community, then you’re really missing a lot of this support and love that you get from people, which I feel you don’t really get in real life or. I never been very helpful to other people. I had the chance that some people have been very helpful to me, but this is,

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Olivier Cortambert: It’s not the rule in the life, right? But, in this community, in the disabled community, it is the rule to love and support each other. And that’s something that I’ve been very grateful with. With what you’re doing, with what, other support group I’ve been doing is to help, you get into this group so that you can be supported and, and not judge as you Say like, it’s the thing that I, it’s still difficult to tell other people. How do you present that your kids are of disability? Like, it’s not a really high disability, really heavy disability in the way that is not his life suffering. He’s still able to walk, he’s only three years old. So delayed is not huge yet. And so the first reaction of people is, oh, it’s going to be fine or these kind of things, which I understand because this is how I would, would react also you just kind of don’t want to see it and you kind of want to also say that things are going to get better, but nobody knows. But once you’re inside disabled community, then things are a bit easier. You’re still wishing you the best and hoping for the best, but they also understand that nobody knows and all the cards are on the table. And it’s really about living day by day things and enjoying the present. And this is something that is really hard, naturally, like a lot of people have health mental issues because enjoying the present is really tough. And this is something. And I think that is even harder when you have a child where his future is so uncertain.

David Hirsch: Absolutely. One of the ways I think about it is that the people that I’ve met, parents, moms and dads who have a child with a different ability are on average more humble, less arrogant and less selfish. And the world doesn’t need, you know, less humble, more arrogant and more selfish people. It’s an amazing, you know, community.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: And you know, it’s not one that you would have said, hey, you know, sign me up. But you know, when you find yourself there, you realize, hey, there’s a lot of pros, a lot of benefits, right, to being in association with people who don’t take things for granted, right, who can appreciate and celebrate some of the small victories.

David Hirsch: Right?

David Hirsch: It’s not just the really highlights like professional sports and Olympics and things like that, but just the things that go on on a day to day basis. So thank you for sharing.

David Hirsch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin.

Antoine was genetically tested, but it’s inconclusive what his situation is

Thank you now back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: So Antoine was genetically tested, but it’s inconclusive as far as you know, what his situation is. He could be like one of a kind, right? There isn’t a specific diagnosis, but you know, there’s these experiences that he’s had which you know, you have to seek out resources for. And whether you have a diagnosis or not, you know, if he has low muscle tone or if he has a hearing loss or he’s non verbal or he’s difficult swallowing or walking, he’s going to have to get occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: You know, all the things that you would be doing even if you had a diagnosis. I don’t know if it’s better or worse, but it is what it is. So you know, until something is learned or diagnosed, you’re hopefully just going to engage in the best way you can to address each one of these situations to make sure that he’s growing and developing to his full ability.

There are multiple fears as young parents facing special needs challenges

I’m wondering, what were some of the fears or are some of the fears as young parents, when you think about the challenges that you’ve experienced or anticipate the challenges ahead?

Olivier Cortambert: Well there’s a lot of fears of course, and there’s multiple type of fears. So there’s the immediate fears about like are we ah, having the right doctors? Are we able to like you said, to give the right physio and right OT and right speaking language, Is it enough and what is it getting now? Is it the right method that they are using? So there is all this thing that we are doing right now. Is it enough? Are we doing enough? And there is also like I think I have strong fear on my side at least that I never do enough because I could feel I could do more, probably could. But then you exhaust yourself and you also have to recognize that you need time also for you to rest. So there’s this complexity of doing enough or not, and then there is other fears which are a bit more long term, which is like we have to figure out which schools and this kind of thing. So

00:30:00

Olivier Cortambert: there’s what’s going to happen in a couple of years? Is he going to be able to go in mainstream school? Is he going to be in special schools for a long time? How is it going to work? And then of course in a much longer field, is he ever going to be able to live by himself and be able to live without us when we passed away? So that’s a Very long view. And, having thought about it and talking to therapists about it and talking to other dads is that you, you realize that some of the fears, there’s nothing you can really do about it. no doctors, even if he has diagnosed with special disease and nobody can really tell you where your child is going to be when he’s going to be 20 or 25, this is still a huge range. They just give you, like, maybe a lower, more, precise range of where you could be. But, some people just go way above this range, some people don’t. So there’s still, there’s no way to know where your child could be. So there’s nothing you can do about that. What we can do upon is, finding the right therapist. And that’s the thing that is very difficult because when we had Antoine, we spent six weeks in nicu. So there we don’t really think about anything. And then we came back home and he couldn’t eat, so we had to feed him with a syringe. So there was this worried that he might need to have a nose tube fitting. We didn’t really know what to do. And then you don’t really have time to think about what do we need to do and, you know, what are the different options and all this. And, and then it started to get better. And then, my wife’s been doing an amazing job. She’s been actually doing most, if not all of the research. And we found we’d be able to sign, a nursery, which help with these needs. And then there at the nursery, she’s actually talked to someone who has a child who was not working properly. That’s how we learned about small steps. And then from there we learned about it. But on my side, I was really, just trusting the system in a way. And sadly, a lot of people in your podcast always say that you cannot rely on the system. so we would ask the neurologist, what do you recommend? And she would say, you could do this and that, but never provided clear direction. and they were assigned us, for example, to this small step charity which has greatly helped us on to walk. And that’s something that we just figured by talking to other parents. And you need to talk to other parents because the knowledge, as you say, is huge. There’s so many things around, and you cannot know everything, you cannot try everything, but you can have this collective knowledge which can really help you to make decision, but also to feel good about your decision. because I think that’s the thing when we, when we’re really trying to do the decision by ourselves is that we cannot really be sure of our decision. But when you have the collective thinkings and other diets telling you the experience and what they have done, then you will never be sure, of course, of what you’re doing, but you won’t have a regret. On, oh, I should have searched more. I should have tried this instead. Because you work, you talk to as many people as possible who has been through this, and this is the best knowledge that you can tap into. There’s no better networks and, other dads or other parents. And so I think that’s, that’s the main thing really, about, like, fears and things is to recognize, that, you don’t know everything and to rely on the, on this really strong network of, of parents which can help you make the right decision and help you doing the right things and learn about the right things.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for being so open and authentic about the, concerns or fears that you have. You know, it’s not one or two things. And then you can think about it in sort of phases. Like you were talking about finding the right doctors, the right therapists. You know, am I doing enough? You know, there’s this balancing act between doing everything you can and then, you know, not neglecting your own health.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: Getting the right sleep, exercise, eating, diet, having some respite. Right. Just, you know, so you can feel healthy and strong.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: Because if you’re not, you can’t bring your A game to your family or to your children. One thought that comes to mind is that, you know, only worry about things you have control over.

David Hirsch: Right?

David Hirsch: And then when you stop and think about it, there’s very few things that we have control over. So it’s probably not worth worrying about. But, it doesn’t mean that we won’t worry. We’re human beings, you know, we’re concerned about the welfare of our children. And you do need to rely on professionals at some level, right. For information. This is what they do. But you can’t rely entirely on professionals because, you know, they’re just giving you the best advice they can based on what they see or what they understand. And like you said, God only knows, you know, how things are going to transpire. and at the end of the day, you want to feel like, hey, I was fully engaged.

David Hirsch: Right?

David Hirsch: And you are the best advocates for your child.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: You know your child better than anybody else will ever know. And,

00:35:00

David Hirsch: you know, you want to just Be comfortable with the fact that, hey, we’re being very consistent. We’re engaged, we’re, connected to a wider audience and continuing to, you know, get connected to others. And as Antoine gets older and his situation becomes a little bit more well understood, whether it’s diagnosed or undiagnosed, you know, you just don’t want to look back, like you said, with too, many regrets.

The important thing is to worry about things that you can affect

And, I’m wondering, was there any advice that you got early on that has helped you sort of be more balanced or, you know, put this all in perspective?

Olivier Cortambert: Yeah, it’s exactly what you said, that you, you need to worry about what you can control. I’m, not going to say contrarizing, but the important thing is that to worry about things that you can affect. so I cannot affect the issue that my son has. I don’t have control. I don’t know where it comes from. And like you say, I’m not sure if maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s not a blessing because all the cards are on the table. Everything is possible. Maybe if we deny the diagnostic, we would have a less restricted view of what he can achieve. And now we maybe still denial way. But we believe that he can achieve anything. And that means that we have to do everything we can to make sure that nothing that we did blocked him in a way. and that’s something we will of course never know. Because what we can know is just that he’s happy, he’s progressing. And that’s the thing that we have effect. I, don’t have an effect on where he’s going to be, but I have an effect that he’s moving forward. So that’s really the thing that we are focusing. And I think the thing that really help us, both my wife and I, is to be able to, is to. I mean, of course we’re not there yet. And I think that’s also the thing is that we’re far from perfect. Like I say, we’re always worried that we’re not doing the right thing. But you also need to take the time to recognize that the energy that is productive is not stressing about things that you cannot do anything and just feel the stress, but doing something about the thing that you can affect and that helps you to, to make things. And I think one, thing that helped me also to, to understand this is I’ve been running for, about two years. And so running has kind of been a meta. I feel like a metaphor to me on what life. Life is because When I started to run, I could barely do a couple of kilometers. And I did a marathon very slowly, but I still run most of it. But, the thing is that when you start to run, you feel like 5km is insane. You will never make it. Then 10km seems crazy and then 20. But you’re putting the effort. You have to be very consistent and do it even when you don’t feel like it and you see the results. This helped me to say that when I’m with Antoine and we do exercise and it doesn’t progress, well, then that’s life. Sometimes you have a run and it’s really bad, and then the next day is amazing, and then after it’s bad again. And that’s very similar to child. And having this running part of my life helped me to understand that progress is by dedication and consistency. That’s the way to do it. And if you want Antoine to progress, then we have to be consistent and to, always, always put the effort. And so I’m just gonna end this long part by something I heard from Humboldt, Schwarzenegger, which, it’s not about being at 100%. It’s not the day where you’re 100%. It’s to avoid the day where you’re at 0%. And so, and I think that’s. That advice has really helped me a lot because you, ah, always wanted to be perfect. And it’s like we have to put the earring heads all day long and then we would not put them at all because they feel like it’s not, not good enough. But that’s totally wrong way to think about it. You have to think that I want him to wear it every day. So every day has to be a little bit. And it will get better from that. But no, no day where you don’t put the effort. Every day put a little bit, even if it’s just tiny, just. We just do it.

David Hirsch: Yeah, I’ve heard it phrased in a bunch of different ways. one of the dads refers to it as relentless forward motion. You just want to keep moving forward and doesn’t feel like you’re making progress every day, but you want to keep moving forward. And your marathon analogy is a really good one because, you know, this is not a sprint. You know, you’re not going to be able to do something just for a very short period of time and see all the results that you want to experience over a lifetime. You need to pace yourself.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: That’s what I heard you saying.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: That’s the analogy to marathoning, which is, you know, you have to have a plan, you have to work up to your plan. And, when you’re taking the long view, which is what I think I heard you saying, you know, you can put things in perspective. And the last thought that comes to mind, there’s a fellow down in Maitland, Florida. His name is Chris Nickic. And Chris, has down syndrome and, you know, low muscle

00:40:00

David Hirsch: tone and some other challenges. But, he’s the first person to complete an Ironman triathlon, you know, with down syndrome. And the methodology that he and his dad came up with is 1% better every day.

David Hirsch: Right?

David Hirsch: If that’s all you could do is be 1% better every day, if you think about it, that’s 30% over the course of a month.

David Hirsch: Right?

David Hirsch: That’s really amazing progress. Right? And if, you know, you’re measuring that, I don’t know, if it’s by, you know, reps of something, then what you’re looking for is incremental gain, right? Incremental, you know, advancement. And before you know it, you’re doing things that you thought would have been impossible. So anyway, I think you’re well on your way to making sure that, Antoine reaches his full potential. You mentioned, under the banner of supporting organizations, this organization called Smart Small Steps, which provides free services to those that are unable to walk. And I’m hoping that there’s other organizations that you and your family will benefit from, you know, as Antoine grows and develops and you have a better understanding about what his needs are.

Father Network Mastermind group focuses on positivity and looking forward

I know that, you’ve been involved with the, Mastermind group, the Special Fathers Network Mastermind group in London, the one that, Tim Coughlin helped get off the ground. And I’m wondering if you could reflect a little bit for our listeners what your experience has been.

Olivier Cortambert: Yeah, so we started with, Tim and also Nathan, which is, based in, in Boston, I believe. And so, we were following the. The regular format. You start with your win of the week. So what the good thing that happened to you last week, and so that’s something that all fathers share. And then we’d have what we call a dad in the middle, which, can be one or two dads, but somebody that has an experience to share, or questions about, some topics. So it’s really about picking the groups, about something or sharing your knowledge. so it’s not necessarily about asking questions, but it can also about sharing something useful. And so that’s the bunch That’s a big part of the meeting. And then at the end is what we’ve been looking forward to for the next week. So it’s really about positivity, which is again something that in this world is like you say, it’s not something we need less of. it’s something we definitely need to look into. And I think that’s really the powerful of this mastermind is to focus on positivity. Talk about your issue, that doesn’t blind you from the good thing that happened. So even though, some parents been through very difficult things and you were talking about August earlier and he’s been fighting the, the Icelandic government. And so it’s been through a lot of difficulties, for his son. But he still, still, we still share something good has happened, something to look forward. and he’s been very inspiring. So that’s one of the character we have in the group. We also have. KK was also really nice dad and a big runner, so also inspiring with my running to us to listen to history. But the main thing I think that for we have people, young, especially father like me, whose first child. And this is all new to you. And it’s very difficult to see this win of the week, and to look at the progress at something beautiful. Like we say, this is the. Probably the only group where you’ll be ah, super excited when some child is, eating just a pot of yogurt by itself and maybe put half around it, but they still had half of it. Something that seems very little, maybe for other fathers, but for we recognize that this kind of little improvement are actually huge. And I think that the beauty of this group is that this is something you understand by hearing other people sharing their win. And that makes you in perspective with your win that actually every little win counts, every little progress matters. And like you were saying, every 1% is a progression. And every day that’s 33% in a month. That’s huge. So that’s something, yeah, really, resonate, I think. And something you learn really from the group is this positivity and looking into, continuously improvement. Yeah.

David Hirsch: Well, thanks for sharing. you captured the essence of the mastermind group concept. The one that we’ve been working at for about five years and trying to, you know, hone as time goes by and the thought about starting the meetings on a positive note, ending the meetings on a positive note, you know, if this group wanted to play the Hardship Olympics, right? And you know Sort of compare and contrast how difficult life has been. They could certainly do that. But this is not that space. Right. All we’ve tried to do is create a safe place for dads to open and authentic and you know, learn from one another.

David Hirsch: Right.

David Hirsch: Benefit from one another and like you said, celebrate the small victories.

Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children

So I’m wondering if there’s anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up.

Olivier Cortambert: No, I think, I think I said everything

00:45:00

Olivier Cortambert: actually. So, I think to wrap up, I think the main thing is really like that and something that you highlight in multiple podcasts. But it’s this idea that men don’t ask for help and, and don’t ask for direction. and I think that when in the position that we are in, we, we don’t have this luxury to not look around and not get the help. because the system, unfortunately won’t give you the help your children. You cannot just give your children and the system. The school won’t do the best for him. He’s, he’s just one of a thousands of millions. and so we need the parents, we have to be the advocates. It takes a bit of time to realize that, at least for me, that we will need to be there for him, to do our best and to fight for him. And it’s a lesson to learn to advocate for your son. And so I would say to all father like me who are at the beginning of their journey and don’t know anything, that we have a group here of like minded people work, willing to teach you and to show you and to support you. And that’s of course something that we must use because we have to do the best for our kid.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well thank you for saying that and we’re thrilled to have you as part of the Special Fathers Network. If somebody wants to contact you, what’s the best way to do so,

Olivier Cortambert: They can use my LinkedIn, it’s probably the best way. Or my email which is my first name, last name, but I can put it on the website because it’s a difficult name. very long, very French.

David Hirsch: Well, I’ll be sure to include the accurate information because I have all that, your LinkedIn and your email address, etc. So Olivier, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Olivier is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own. Please go to 21st centurydads.org thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the, 21st Century Dads foundation is a 501c3 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a tax deductible contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Olivier. Thanks again.

Olivier Cortambert: Thank you, David.

David Hirsch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21st centurydads.org and if you’re a dad,

David Hirsch: Looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to you show share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david21centurydads.org the special.

David Hirsch: Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch. Tune in again next week for another intriguing conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

00:48:33

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturyDads.org.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david@21stCenturyDads.org.

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch. Tune in again next week for another intriguing conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.