Dad to Dad 449 – Jim Ward of Fenton, MO A Project Engineer, Father Of Three Including One With Asperger’s

Transcript:

Jim Ward: There was some part of me that always knew, like, I think I’m gonna have a kid with special needs. So when we finally got to that point, I wasn’t, like, shocked. I didn’t love it, but I wasn’t surprised that we ended up in that ship.

David Hirsch: That’s our guest this week, Jim Ward, an engineer and project manager and the father of three, including his son Noah, 28, who has Asperger’s. We’ll hear about Jim’s life, including his difficult decision to find a new home for Noah at age 17. That’s all on this Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

David Hirsch: Dad to the dad, you’re not on your own. We walk this road together, heart and whole.

David Hirsch: Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Two brief messages. First, I’m thrilled to announce our new book, Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities, A Guide for 21st Century Dads, available on Audible, Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other sites. Second, the Special Fathers Network US tour, a month long 50 state 60 plus stop tour, took place from May 21 to June 21. Mission accomplished. It was quite a journey with hundreds of new connections which will have a ripple effect for months and years to come. Thank you to the following partners, GG’s Playhouses, John’s Crazy Socks, Rotary Club of Chicago, and Special Olympics. Thanks also the 60 plus venue hosts, which included 12 Special Olympic State offices and 15 of the 62 Gigi’s playhouses. Special thanks to the RV crew mentioned here in order of appearance. Zane Kooks, Andrew McDowell, Nelson Raskoon, Charlie Hirsch and Steve Harris. You guys were amazing. And special thanks to all those who offered their prayers and provided financial support. This was clearly a team effort.

David Hirsch: Through every season, in every stride, great dads are present. 247365.

David Hirsch: Now let’s listen into this conversation between Jim Ward and David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Jim Ward of Fenton, Missouri, who’s an engineer and project manager at Haber Berger Mechanical Contractors and father of three, including a son with Asperger’s. Jim, thank you for taking the time to do an interview for the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

Jim Ward: You’re welcome. Thank you for asking.

David Hirsch: You and your wife Sheila have been married for 29 years and the proud parents of three children, Caleb, 22, Ruth, 26, and Noah, 28, who has Asperger’s. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Jim Ward: I’m a native St. Louisian. I have a theory that St. Louisians don’t leave St. Louis, and I prove that true. Not everybody proves that true. My parents are still with us. Fortunate to have that. My dad is 88. My mom is 87. My dad thanks me really regularly for, like, not leaving St. Louis. And so I just kind of. I just kind of smile. Like, I had one job offer coming out of college, and it was in St. Louis, so my parents have been together a long time, so that’s an incredible blessing. My dad is an electrical engineer. I’m a mechanical engineer. So we kind of have that bond. So, yeah, I think we have a pretty good relationship. We still connect. I still go over to see him. We’re very similar. Like, I can see things that I do, you know, or expressions that I make that it’s like, oh, my gosh, that’s my dad. And actually, one of my cousins I saw recently, who I don’t see very often, said that same thing. Like, you’re just like your dad when

David Hirsch: you think about your dad. Are there any important takeaways, lessons learned, that come to mind?

Jim Ward: You know, the older my dad gets, one of the things he says is how dysfunctional his family was, and I wish he had said that so much earlier in life. His dad passed away at a very young age. I’m gonna say, like, 35, from stomach cancer. And so, like, his mom and his sister and him, they were forced to live with, like, uncles and relatives. So it was like all these people, you know, slammed into houses in St. Louis. So, you know, I feel like the DEC was stacked against him. And my parents were a little bit older when they had my brother and I, so he always talks about enjoying playing with our toys, and just, like, I feel like he had a lot to learn. I feel like dad did a really good job with the. With the cards that he was. That he was dealt.

David Hirsch: Yeah.

David Hirsch: Well, sorry to hear that your grandfather passed away at such a early age and that, you know, I guess you never knew him. Right. Because that was well before you came along.

Jim Ward: Well before. And I never met that grandma, either. Like, she got to hold me, you know, I was born in 1972,

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Jim Ward: and, you know, I think she passed away, like, right after I was born, so. So, yeah, I don’t have a whole lot of grandparent experience. It’s just the way things played out.

David Hirsch: Well, speaking of which, did you have any interaction with your maternal grandfather, your mom’s dad a little bit.

Jim Ward: I do remember Grandpa Alex. I think he died when I was like 8. I do remember that he experienced this tragedy and fell off a ladder and like lost his leg. So there was like just some, I don’t know, tragedy and, and weirdness there. You know what? Ironically, my mom’s mom died in childbirth a very long time ago. So I only knew like a step grandma. If you’re someone with, with four grandparents and you know, running around at my age, like, I’m pretty envious. I just. That wasn’t in the, that wasn’t in the cards for me.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for the transparency about that. Not everybody has the privilege to get to know their grandparents or looking at it from the grandparents perspective, to get to know their grandkids. You know, if you do, maybe you have a better appreciation for the, you know, the historical aspect of your family. So any other men that come to mind, guys that might have played an influential role when you were younger or maybe as a young adult for that matter?

Jim Ward: You know, the older I get, the more like I’ve. I’ve been intentional about seeking out like some friends, the older I get. And sometimes they pass and sometimes they go try to be active in church. Have bumped into some men’s groups through the years that have worked or haven’t worked, but like this one really did. And so we kept it going at a breadco, you know, four or five guys. And so I do okay. You know, I’ve had some guys that I’ve been able to link up with and maybe go a little deeper. And it’s just being intentional about it and I’m not the best at it. You know, I’m not here to like blow my own horn. Like I’ve definitely dropped the ball on a couple of those or have some regrets that, like that, you know, some from several years ago aren’t still going.

David Hirsch: Fair enough. So my recollection was that you got a degree in mechanical engineering from Missouri University of Science and Technology, formerly known as the University of Missouri at Roll.

Jim Ward: Go Miners.

David Hirsch: Go Miners. And you’ve worked pretty much exclusively in the mechanical engineering field for a handful of firms.

Jim Ward: I have. I design, you know, our heating, cooling for buildings. With this crazy world we live in with AI going forward, I’m in a good industry and, and I’ve, I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve been very fortunate to. I landed in an industry that I wanted to get in. I, ironically, I got my first job out of my dad’s Rolodex. Like I Went to his office, he spun it and pulled out a business card and he handed it to me and sure enough, I landed at that firm. So I have been able to move around a little bit. Part of me wishes that I, you know, I’m just so impressed with these guys I spent 40 years at. And, you know, that’s not my story, but I’m pretty comfortable, like explaining through my resume. A few of those moves were not my choice. I’ve been laid off three times and it’s definitely not pleasant. But boy, you roll with the punches. And I honestly believe there’s always another job out there.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, if you have a technical background like you do, engineers, accountants, lawyers, doctors. Right. There’s a skill you have that is sort of portable. You know, sometimes you find yourself in the job market not by your choice, like you said, but you know, if you’re open minded about different opportunities, sometimes you have to be flexible about the geography of those opportunities, you know, you know, you’re employable, which is important. So I’m sort of curious, know, how did you and Sheila meet?

Jim Ward: So in the summer of 1995, we were in St. Louis, Missouri. Go figure. And it was called the His Life Summer Project, Lay Renewal Ministries. I don’t think it’s still in existence. There’s a Christian leadership training program for college kids. So I was at Rolla, Sheila was actually at Carbondale. So we kind of converged on St. Louis. Ironically. We lived at Missouri Baptist College. So fast forward, I don’t want to do the math, 30 plus years. Our youngest son, Caleb is a student at Missouri Baptist College. He lived in the same dorm that we had rooms in that long ago. So it was a, it was a really great experience. True story. Like, I wore these aqua socks. Like, I was just clueless. I didn’t know I was this nerdy engineering kid wearing aqua socks in 1995. And my wife and some of the other girls were like, yeah, Jim, you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t do that. So right fast forward a couple years, she stayed in St. Louis. Was actually doing like a discipleship training with that organization still. We were friends. And I was, I asked like, hey,

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Jim Ward: would you be interested in like being more than friends? And like, it did not go well. She laughed out loud in my face. I’m like driving back to Rolla, Missouri, thinking, that did not, that did not go well. But I didn’t give up. And eventually I won the heart of my wife.

David Hirsch: So the ice thawed. That’s great. I love the perseverance thank you for sharing. So let’s talk about special needs. I’m sort of curious to know, prior to having children, did you or Sheila have any connection to the world of disability or special needs?

Jim Ward: Not really. But my main connection was my mom, who was an occupational therapist assistant for the St. Louis Special School District. I just remember dinners with her teaching kids to like tie shoelaces, you know. You know, it was a thing to help people work on their motorized skills. And I, I helped her make some. So she was passionate about her job. She did go back to school to get that occupational therapist assistant degree. Like, when we got Noah’s diagnosis, I think it was age five. There was some part of me that always knew, like, I think I’m going to have a kid with special needs. So when we finally got to that point, I wasn’t like shocked. I didn’t love it, honestly. I don’t remember my exact reaction, but I wasn’t surprised. I just felt like with my mom’s connection to the disability world that I wasn’t surprised that we ended up in that ship.

David Hirsch: Yeah, maybe there’s a little foreshadowing there that was going on that you would not have any idea of.

David Hirsch: Foreign.

David Hirsch: So what is Noah’s diagnosis and how did it come about?

Jim Ward: I tell you what, he, he really has an Alphabet soup of diagnosis, but the original one was Asperger’s syndrome. He was always developmentally delayed, but we didn’t know like he was our first. So we just thought we had the good kid in the pumpkin seat who was just content to stay there and like, wasn’t out move around, you know, he was developmentally delayed. We definitely got connected with a program called First Steps here in St. Louis. You know, therapists kind of came to the house and worked with him. You know, we got our Asperger diagnosis at like 14, and I’m just like, how can you wait that long? Or how can you not not have known? So no, it did start having seizures at age 2, which was really like, that’s really scary. But then what became scarier was when you get used to your 2 year old having seizure, you know, the first time you go to the hospital, the second time you go to the hospital and you realize, like, they don’t do anything for you. You know, they’re just okay, he’s out of it. Like, we got on this anti seizure medication and he slept like 23 hours a day. And my wife was like, there’s something wrong here. And like the dosage was off by like a factor of 10.

David Hirsch: Oh, my God.

Jim Ward: Yes. Mistakes happen. Right. Like, I make mistakes at work. You know, that’s an awful mistake. And I don’t think there’s any repercussions from that. That’s just a story that came to mind, but. Right. Seizures at age 2. And then we started working with our neurologist, and I think it did take a while. I remember his diagnosis at, like, age 5. And then it was like, you know what? And at this point, my wife really, like, carried the heavy lifting. I give her a lot of credit. In hindsight. My regret was we weren’t more of a team. Feel like she did the heavy lifting in Noah’s youth, and I do the heavy lifting and Noah’s. And Noah’s adulthood, so.

David Hirsch: But.

Jim Ward: Yeah, but we got his diagnosis at age 5, so we’ve known. We’ve known quite a while.

David Hirsch: So what were some of the fears that you had those first couple, three years? Seizures and knowing that there were some delays.

Jim Ward: I don’t know if fear is the right word. You know, you’re just in. I feel like I’m going to talk a lot today about, like, being in the system. And we have so many broken systems in our world today, but sometimes they’re all we. They’re all we have. Right. Like, Noah’s in elementary school. He’s got his iep. I remember going to one IEP meeting. I’m pretty sure it was at the end. It was like sixth grade. And, like, it was on a lunch hour. And, like, I’m in industry and I, like, brought pizza. Like, it’s like. Right. That’s like something. Like, we’re meeting over lunch, and I walked into the room with all these teachers and. And staff people and my wife and threw my pizza down. And, like, the pizza wasn’t well received. I was like. Anyway, I kind of felt like. I remember feeling like an outcast in the meeting. Like, shouldn’t have done that.

David Hirsch: Oh, my.

Jim Ward: I know. It’s just about figuring out the. The steps. And in some ways I think we did a good job. And in other ways, we did. An elementary school was tough, though. I just remember, you know, my wife getting there on the first day of school and crying a lot of times. You know, there was one other boy who had an Asperger diagnosis, and so they figured it out. I’m pretty sure it

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Jim Ward: was like, sixth grade, and they put them together and, like, you know, if you’ve met one person with Asperger’s, you’ve met one person with Asperger’s. I think we had that guy over to play a couple of times. Like, it just was not a natural. Yeah, elementary school felt rough. Elementary school felt rough.

David Hirsch: Well, thanks for reflecting on that.

David Hirsch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin. Thank you. Now back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: Was there any meaningful advice that you got early on that helped put Noah’s situation, these delays that you were talking about, the seizures into perspective?

Jim Ward: I remember, like, getting connected to the St. Louis ARC. It’s really solid disability organization here in St. Louis. It’s actually how you and I met because they hosted the book tour and I remember going to, like, some playgroups and things. And I feel like this is a fair generalization that people with Asperger’s tend to focus and fixate on one thing. And Noah’s has always been cars, Hot Wheels, and. Or like, the real thing. But one of my struggles as a dad. I don’t know if this is answering your question or not, but.

David Hirsch: Right.

Jim Ward: Like, little boys outgrow Hot Wheels. And so I just expected, like, Noah to outgrow Hot Wheels at some point. And he did it. And so at these ARC meetings, like, I remember Noah, like, lying on the floor and pushing cars and like, as a dad, just kind of thinking, well, like, at least he’s not acting weird or do, you know, like. And that’s not fair. You know, everybody’s a unique personality in this meeting of, of special needs kids and, and their parents. Like, mine’s over there on the floor pushing cars, and that’s okay. And maybe it is, but, you know, jump forward to, to today. I’m not quite sure how big Noah’s Hot Wheel collection is. It’s probably 2,000, 3,000.

David Hirsch: Oh, my God, yes.

Jim Ward: And he keeps them in buckets. And so I remember this real experience in a local Walmart multiple years ago. And I’m there with Noah and he’s looking at the Hot Wheels, and I’m angry, but I kind of had this experience that, like, okay, Jim, you can stand here and be angry or you can, like, try to change. And it’s like, okay, well, like, what are we looking at here? And I remember that day, I decided to start collecting Batman. Hot Wheels, right? So I now have a Hot Wheels collection. It is in boxes in the basement. My wife doesn’t truly appreciate it. It takes up a lot of space on a shelf. But it was a good thing. Like, I tried, like, okay, like, it was a good thing to stand there in that Walmart and flip a switch on my heart. It’s like, I’m not going to be angry. I’m going to try to get involved. I’m going to try to understand. Well, I tell what for a while there he is out of town, and I was going to like Hot Wheel shows on my own. I expected that to really, like, draw me closer. I’m sure it’s drawn us closer in some areas. Like, we can communicate about that a little better. But it had. Right. It hasn’t fixed it. You know, I would have loved for, oh, this is gonna be. If I do this, it’s gonna fix everything, you know, and it. And it did it. You know, it’s. It’s complicated. People with Asperger’s can struggle with relationships, and one day at a time, we’re figuring it out.

David Hirsch: Well, thank you for enlightening me about the Hot Wheel connection. Not just Noah’s large collection, but a passion of your own. And I was wondering if there’s like a Hot Wheels Anonymous or something where there’s like a solstep program where you meet with other fellow Hot Wheel enthusiasts.

Jim Ward: That’s. Well. Or maybe the 12 step program is not meeting with Hot Wheel enthusiast. I don’t. That would be interesting. Many of your listeners can connect with me afterwards, but it is pretty thrilling to find a super Hot Wheels treasure hunt on the pegs. Like, I’ve found four, so they’re a little more valuable than the $25 that you spent for them. But they just sit in my basement. Like, I don’t really know what to do with them. So maybe someday Noah will get them.

David Hirsch: There you go. So not to focus on the negative, but what have been some of the biggest challenges that you encountered

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David Hirsch: related to Noah’s. Asperger’s and the diagnosis?

Jim Ward: To me, the complicated thing about Noah’s diagnosis, and I don’t think this is typical, like, necessarily associated with Asperger’s, but he had real violent tendencies. And I don’t know what caused that or triggered that. Boy. I just remember, like, a weekend when Noah was, like, 15 and, like, mom was away for the weekend. Pretty sure it was a church women’s retreat. Doesn’t matter. And Noah Wanted to make plans with these friends and another family. Like their bomb was probably on the women’s retreat too. And I don’t remember how it exactly played out. If I asked, if I didn’t ask, if they said no. But just remember, like, Noah on the floor in his bedroom, like mule kicking the wall, just destroying the drywall, like, what is going on? And so, you know, his violent tendency. You know, I remember. And he kicked through his door. You know, our house has these like six panel doors and Noah’s room, the bottom two panels were not there. You know, he kicked those out and angry. So I don’t know what that was. I think he’s less violent now. But yeah, that made it hard and. Right. It wasn’t the Asperger’s. It was, it was the violence that kind of forced my wife and I to. You know, he was 17 when we made the decision to kind of move him out of the home and go down this path. And, you know, the whole journey is difficult.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for your transparency about this really, really important decision you made at Noah’s age 17, to find a alternative residence. That’s what I heard you say. And were you concerned about the safety of your other kids when you’re talking about these violent outbursts, or was it more of a property issue?

Jim Ward: Yeah, on some level. Right. You have this family unit and like everybody’s a component and. Right. I think of, I think of Ruth, and I think of Caleb like, you know, kind of grabbing each other and like huddle, you know, as, as a violent outburst is, is going on and they’re, you know, together. So I mean, they have an amazing bond today. Ruth lives in Lexington, Kentucky. Caleb lives here in St. Louis. So. So they’re not like in the same city, but, but they are, they are close. And that, that does warm my heart. And on some level I wish Noah could share a relationship with them like that. And, and he can’t or he doesn’t. I don’t know. We, we had a visit not too long ago and yeah, Noah and Caleb are basically six years. Six years apart. But like Noah was observing 22 year old Caleb and he made, he just made this like, comment that’s like, like, well, he’s so grown up now and it’s just like. Well, yeah, you know, right. If you kind of flash back to 17 and things were complicated then and. Right. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other in whatever that math is, 11 years. But, but right. Like, I mean, they’ve been separated so, so Noah’s missing. So but actually like, hey, Noah, that’s really insightful that you can, can see that. At one point during the outburst, I know there were emergency room visits and dealing with psychiatrists and, and folks like that. And one like, pearl of wisdom I think someone gave me, you know, so If Noah’s like 15 at this point, someone was like, well, what level do you think he functions at? And I was like, that’s a great. Like, I’ve never thought about that. Right, he’s 15. And at that point they were like, well, you know, he’s 15, he’s probably functioning at like 11 year old level. So right now he’s 28. Is he functioning at like an 18 year old level? So can I get him to 45 and he can function at a 25 year old level? Like, yeah. Anyway, one day at a time. One day at a time. We’ll get there.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thank you for being so open about that. You know, you’re very reflective. You can’t connect the docks looking forward. You can only look backwards and sort of understand how you got to where you are. And you know, like you said earlier, I think you need to give yourself some grace.

Jim Ward: Right.

David Hirsch: You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. And hopefully you look back and, you know, you’re not happy but satisfied with the decisions. And you know, just the

David Hirsch: stable environment

David Hirsch: that you created for your other two kids, you know, is Noah’s transitioning at age 17. Over the last 11 years, that environment that Ruth and Caleb have, you know, sort of grown up in, you know, is different than it would have been. Right. If you tried to hold it all together. And

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David Hirsch: you shouldn’t second guess yourself. That’s the way I think about it.

Jim Ward: Thank you.

David Hirsch: So I’m wondering about advice now and I’m wondering what advice you might share with a dad close to the beginning of his journey, raising a child with a disability or something different.

Jim Ward: I feel like my number one advice is don’t make your wife carry the heavy load early. It takes a team. It takes a team. And that’s probably my biggest regret, that I wasn’t more of a teammate with my wife. Beyond that, it’s keep trying. Do I wish I’d done more?

David Hirsch: Yes.

Jim Ward: I can’t go back. But I never gave up. I never gave up. I do have a really hard time, like asking for help. You know, most of the time I’d rather just trudge on by myself, but. But, but I’m getting better. Better we all need to pick up the phone more. I’m. I’m guilty of not, like, picking up the phone, but when Noah was 17, right. Like, I had to pick up on the phone and call. I’m looking for this. I’m looking for resources. I’m looking for that. I remember being on the phone with that Department of Mental Health case manager and just being like, can you help me? And I think I humbly apologized to her in that conversation, but I probably said some things that I shouldn’t have, but. Right. It’s learning to ask for help. Learning to ask for help.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, if I could paraphrase what you’ve said, make sure that you’re carrying as much of the load as you can as a co parent, be present to the full extent that you’re able to, and then don’t be reluctant to ask for help. Right. Which is hard for a lot of guys who are the agenda that doesn’t pull over and ask for directions. So that’s something that we just need to be intentional about. Consistently intentional about. So why is it you’ve agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Jim Ward: I need to get involved. I got a random email, and it’s like, this is an interesting opportunity. I’m gonna go to this book tour. And so I’m there and listen to this guy named David Hirsch. I’ve never. Don’t know him from Adam. And, hey, he’s done these, like, bike rides across the country. That’s pretty cool. I like. I like riding my bike. So, you know, I write. Sometimes you just bump into situations, but I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna fix anything for anybody, but. Right. I’ve got this experience, and so. Right. If I can listen to you or you can listen to me. So, yeah, sometimes I do feel like I hide in the shadows or just. I’m not putting myself out there enough. So, like, this is a great. This great opportunity. So, yeah, it kind of laid itself in my lap, so I’m excited to see where it goes.

David Hirsch: Yeah.

David Hirsch: Well, we’re thrilled to have you. Thank you for being involved in the network.

Jim Ward: Thanks, Jim.

David Hirsch: Thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Jim is just one of the dads who is part of the Special Fathers Network, a mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, Please go to 21st centurydads.org thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network dad or dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dads foundation is a 501c3 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a tax deductible contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Jim. Thanks again.

Jim Ward: Thank you.

David Hirsch: Dad to the dead. You’re not on your own. We walk this road together, hard and whole.

David Hirsch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21st

David Hirsch: centurydads.org and if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to David

David Hirsch: the Dad to Dad Podcast theme was written and performed by Shane Madden. The show was produced by me, Tom Couch. Tune in again next week for another intriguing conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

David Hirsch: Through every season, in every stride, great dads are present. 247-365-24, 7365.

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