Dad To Dad 445 – Bin Feng of Queens, NY, Who Works At Bank of NY, Is On Staff At PSPNYS and Father Of Two Including One With Autism

Transcript:

Bin Feng: Until one day I went to a library. I picked a book which is translated to Chinese by autism. And I opened that. They have a checklist. When I read it, everything match. I thought, s***. Something called Audience that match my son.

David Hirsch: That’s our guest this week, Bin Feng, a support engineer at the bank of New York, a staff member of Parent to Parent New York State and father of two children, including one who is autistic. We’ll hear all about Ben and his life on this Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

Bin Feng: Dad to the dad, you’re not on your own.

David Hirsch: We walk this road together, heart and whole.

David Hirsch: Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Two brief messages. First, I’m thrilled to announce our new book, Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities, A Guide for 21st Century Dads, now available on Audible, Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other sites. Second, the Special Fathers Network US tour, a month long 50 state 60 plus stop tour, took place from May 21 to June 21. Mission accomplished. It was quite a journey with hundreds of new connections which will have a ripple effect for months and years to come. Thank you to the following partners, Gigi’s Playhouses, John’s Crazy Socks, Rotary Club of Chicago and Special Olympics. Thanks. Also the 60 plus venue hosts, which included 12 Special Olympic State offices and 15 of the 62 JG’s playhouses. Special thanks to the RV crew mentioned here in order of appearance. Zane Kooks, Andrew McDowell, Nelson Raskoon, Charlie Hirsch and Steve Harris. You guys were amazing. And special thanks to all those who offered their prayers and provided financial support. This was clearly a team effort. Great dads are present.

Bin Feng: 247365.

David Hirsch: Now let’s listen into this conversation between Ben Feng and David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: So for the record, we’re in the offices of Parent to Parent New York state in Schenectady, New York and it’s the 26th day and the 53rd stop of the Special Fathers Network US tour, a 30 day 50 state 60 plus stop tour to strengthen the Special Fathers Network and distribute complimentary copies of the new book Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and a guide for 21st Century Dads. Very grateful to Heather Emery and her colleagues here at Parent to Parent New York State for their warm hospitality. I’m thrilled to be talking today with Ben Fang of Queens, New York, who works at the bank of New York as a support engineer who is also on the staff of Parent to Parent, New York State, and the father of two children, including one who is autistic. Ben, thank you for taking the time to do an interview for the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

Bin Feng: Thank you, Dave. Welcome to New York, actually.

David Hirsch: So you and your wife Jenny have been married for 28 years and are the proud parents of two children, Frances, 24, and Vincent, 26, who’s autistic. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your birth family.

Bin Feng: Sure. So I grew up in China. I have one brother, one sister. My brother is two years older than me. My sister actually is seven years younger than me. So I’m in the middle. The middle child, you know. So it’s both my father and my mom and the three siblings, we working together. Right. Living together until later on. We grew up separate everywhere.

David Hirsch: So were you the first to leave the nest and go away from China?

Bin Feng: So currently right now, my brother still live in China. My sister is in London right now in England. So I’m in the United States. So I’m the first one to left China to America when I was 20 years old. So right now we’re three siblings, all separate.

David Hirsch: Thank you for sharing. So I’m sort of curious to know what did your dad do for a living?

Bin Feng: Yeah, my dad was a mechanic. So he working for a bus company. He’s working all the years for just became mechanically.

David Hirsch: And is he still alive?

Bin Feng: No, he passed away 10 years ago.

David Hirsch: Okay, how about your mom?

Bin Feng: My mom’s still alive. So my mom working the same company with my father. She is the ticket agency, you know. So she’s still good. She’s a very good house. I went to visit her in this March. She’s very independent living herself, you know, do everything, you know, very good on it.

David Hirsch: So your brother keeps an eye on her since he’s still at the

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David Hirsch: house?

Bin Feng: Yeah, we live in the same city, but not together. But she can handle very well.

David Hirsch: And has she ever visited you here in the United States?

Bin Feng: Yes, yes. So my child was born, she come into it, help us a little bit, half a year or something to take care of the babies and she go back. She don’t want living here.

David Hirsch: Okay, so how would you describe your relationship with your dad?

Bin Feng: We grew up a very typical Chinese family there. The traditional culture family as a father figure, have to be very strict, have to use the force to punish them. Right. So, you know, my dad is a very typical one. Of course he’s nice. He was nice. But eventually he will be using his way to discipline you. And you know, we have a calculatorship laid on. But we still are typical Chinese family. We did not talking too much, they’re not hugging. We still care each other. We’re talking occasionally some topic like he interested, I interested. Right. But it’s not like regularly you see a family in United States or some other country, people very close, we can talking. So it is a Chinese way Chinese family.

David Hirsch: What I hear you saying is that there’s a little bit of a cultural difference.

Bin Feng: That’s very, very big difference.

David Hirsch: So when you think about lessons learned from your dad, is there a thought or two that comes to mind? Something that sticks in your mind about a lesson that you learned from your dad?

Bin Feng: Yeah. So one of the particular lessons I learned from my dad of my family, my culture is I don’t want to have the same relationship with my children as my farm. Because I come here, I see different culture. You know, if I living in China, I probably have probably most like the same like my dad mostly because culture everybody do the same thing. But here I want more close. I want to open myself to the children that need. We, me and my wife, starting very early age try to listen to our children. What do they want rather than what do we want them. Right. So we keep learning our lesson ourselves. Then we have a different relationship right now with my two grow up children, you know, each of different needs, different side there. But I think we handle very good. Me and wife always encourage each other. So that’s the biggest lesson. My children should have a different life. That’s basically it.

David Hirsch: Thanks for sharing about other father influencers. And I’m wondering what if any influence your grandfathers had so on your dad’s side first and then on your mom’s side.

Bin Feng: Yeah, yeah. So you know, I have my both grandparents, my both my grandpa, you know, in the, in the Chinese family the fathers sometimes did not engage much of the caring stuff there. But you know, they are very nice people. Right. They treated me very well. But we did not talking a lot of lessons like you’re. We did not have the accepted role models because it’s a communist country. They only give you the role model you want to follow up. You cannot choose a role model yourself. Right. So all our like father figure in the society. When I grew up as a school teacher, everything is a communist propaganda model. That’s a very different one. They did not show you personal infection there. They tell you you need to devote to your country, you need to die for your country. Do that one. Right. So we are rising in the communist country. Always are told it need to be sacrificed, need to be ready to die one day for the great communism of our country. Right. It’s very, very different.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing. So you did know both of your grandfathers though.

Bin Feng: Oh, yeah, yeah. They are close. Yeah, we visit them. We’re not close, but we visit them like in the summer or something that they’re very, very. Both of them. Very nice one.

David Hirsch: So my recollection was that you took a degree in physics when you were living in China and you taught physics. College physics, yes. And then you came to the us you went to Indiana University and were in the physics program. Was that a master’s program?

Bin Feng: Yeah, master program, yes.

David Hirsch: And then at SUNY Stoney you have a computer science degree. So where did your career take you once you came to the United States?

Bin Feng: So when I, when I came here, it is a computer boom, Internet boom time. Right. So if you have any degree with computer science, it’s easy to get a job. So I very easily get a computer, you know, engineer job.

David Hirsch: And how long have you been at bank of New York?

Bin Feng: I being 26, 28 years.

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David Hirsch: So how did you and Jenny meet?

Bin Feng: The thing bringing up together is her cousin is my college’s classmate. So that’s the one basically connecting to each other. So that’s the one. We’re very close.

David Hirsch: So you met back in China?

Bin Feng: Yeah, we’re back in China, yes.

David Hirsch: Okay. And did you move here as a married couple or not?

Bin Feng: We married a couple, yes.

David Hirsch: So let’s switch gears and talk about special needs. I’m sort of curious to know, prior to having children, did you or Jenny have any connection to the world of disability or special needs?

Bin Feng: No way. I have one. My uncle is Polo. So we know that, but it’s not the one. We thought about the development disability side, especially for the autism. So that’s why our child the first couple years we’re missing the diagnosis because we don’t know what’s happened. So we have no idea. Especially for the field with autism, you know, we have no idea what this looks like. Never heard about the word.

David Hirsch: So what is Vincent’s diagnosis and how did it come about?

Bin Feng: So when he was born he got all the symptom autistic one. Later on we know, but we never know this one, I think. So all the trouble like feeding, sleeping, everything. So everybody struggle. But we are. We saw this our first time as a father. We just don’t understand. Maybe we did not do enough Something So we’re missing that at least three years. Until one day I went to a library. I picked a book which is translation to Chinese by autism. And I open that they have a checklist. When I read it, everything match. I thought, s***. Something called audience. Let’s match my son. Right. I immediately contacted my pediatrician. I went to see her. I said, could it be my children became autistic? I remember her face flushed because she realized she made a big mistake. She immediately looking for neurodigist recommends everything clean. So out of at least three and a half years, she did not understand. She don’t know that. But later on now she’s very good experience. She’s always talking to other family about one there, but that one. So that’s different. Because in China until 1984, the Medical Society first time know the term autism. Because before that it’s a communist country. They isolate everything. So you can imagine all the doctor training there. They do not have experience with neurodiversity. Right. So it’s a big lesson. Even she is doing very good on other pediatrician. She did not understand the autistic at that time, 20 years ago. Okay. So until my son, kind of until I pick the book, I remind her that one. So that’s changed. That’s my life. I would change.

David Hirsch: So if I could paraphrase what you’ve said, you get the diagnosis? Yes, maybe at age 3 or 4. And what was your understanding of autism at that time?

Bin Feng: First one we see it’s a life disorder. No cure, no reason why we don’t know anything there. He may not speak. He did not speak at the time. He did not have a potty training time. Right. So everything there, and this is very briefly from the textbook. But the more confusing is when you’re going to ask him for other people. Especially that time, the Internet called Yahoo. Group. Like, you know, we have the company Yahoo, they have lots of Yahoo Group is About Autism Special Needs 1. When you dig inside, you can see everybody speak different things. One thing said, hey, I found a cue. I know this magically working there one. Another one said, no, it’s not working. I try myself there. It’s not working. So very conflicted there. There were lots of fake news, whatever to this one. The fake promising there, right? All the magic miracle happened so confusing. You cannot trust anything of this one.

David Hirsch: So what type of fears did you have early on? Once you’re doing this Google search or Yahoo Search and getting all this conflicting information, what were your concerns? What were you and Jenny concerned? About at that time.

Bin Feng: I think it’s a personal impact is very strong because I don’t find a solution don’t understand what’s going on. So that time I became more and more angry. I’m so mad I met everybody. The mad is because I don’t see that picture. I don’t know how help my child. I don’t know how deal with everything like you know, potty training,

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Bin Feng: you know, tangible behavior issue sensory. I don’t even mention about the future because I don’t even survive that time. Every diet is a struggle. So because he’s so difficult to with the sensory everything there. So we could not find a day program to take care of them. So the only we can take himself. So that time I started with I find a job with a night shift job. So I work all night shift there. When I come back my wife ready to go to school or going to work and I have taken care of my baby, my Vincent myself. So I have to stick on until she come back in the afternoon. I’m so exhausted. So I sleep in like two or three hours. Then I need to go back tonight to go to my ship there. This is about like two years.

David Hirsch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network early intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin. Thank you. Now back to the conversation.

Bin Feng: Now he’s working as a janitor for 80 years. Okay, so each other’s step we chew the f*** out. Like we just talking about Steve. Like yesterday we went to visiting a housing project for people with disability because he’s 26 now. So next step I’ve tried to find out is how he going to live, what kind of housing option you have right? So each step we have the planning of the learning. I have no idea how to do that. So this is give me a so so now I’m a very we call the happy man because what I’m doing is I always know what’s next try to do and who can I help right? So I’m not as a young man used to be angry because I have nowhere to know what try to help myself. Now I have a resource, I have a knowledge, I have people there. So now we just see like I have a goal, I have resources. Let me work on it one step by step.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, it’s amazing the journey that you’ve been on and that you’re found your therapy by helping other parents learning from one another. So you’ve made reference to some supporting organizations. A parent to parent obviously has played a big role in your lives more recently. But are there any other organizations that come to mind that either Vincent’s benefited from or your family’s benefited from?

Bin Feng: Yeah. Yes, I I do Majority of my organization is the Chinese community based on there I do supporting for the China the parent group in China for 10 years. Then here is about another 10 years supporting the New York City area. And we find out the parents have different needs. Young parents, the old parent different needs there. So in the way my choir my son is graduating from high school. We find a big problem how to choosing the life after. You know the school we call the transition planning. I make a big. I’m so mad with the system. I’m so p***** off with the system. That means the. You know you spend a lot of time in the special education. When they graduate nowhere to go. So I feel very personally we need to do before I only help the family. But I think no, we need to do lots of change the society, change the world. Because that’s not the way for many of the people living with disability their whole life. So I opened another nonprofit called Project Ready. We focus on the transition age. The Chinese and Asian immigrant in the New York City area. Especially for the parent did not speak much English because all the services you have to English based. So that the one we’re starting to do. We have more than 3, 400 family there. I try to limit the size. So the way we try to do is we try to do make as a bridge. Like I understand the needs language, everything family. I help you to connecting with other resources. We also talking about the provider or the government agency.

00:20:00

Bin Feng: How we can engage the particular community in New York City. How we engage. What is the way we can talk to them. What the language barrier, culture barrier. What the personal experience. And that’s great because everybody tried to help this community. Not only Chinese communities, all the immigrant community in but how we reach them. Right. So we try to make a bridge to connect each other. So that one is. You know I do most of time there. Another one is I do the national is audience speaks is one of the largest advocacy over there. We want to see the register Senator. We want to see them the real people there that the person there. Right. All different ages have a challenge there. But we can help them. He can working very well like my son working for eight years. He paid taxes, he could vote everything he got his life there. So I think that is we try to bring up all the organizations the perspective of family. We are the one really. Of course everybody care but we are the one care for 24 hours 301 on my life. Right. So we need a voice. So you know it’s great.

David Hirsch: I love it.

Bin Feng: Yeah.

David Hirsch: Well, I’m going to do a little more research on this project. Ready. I’m really inspired by the work that you’ve been doing with the immigrant community and that not for profit. So I’m thinking about advice now and I’m wondering what advice would you share with young parents specifically dads who find themselves at the beginning of that journey. You know in the first couple three years.

Bin Feng: I think it’s the most difficult thing is for dad is nowhere to talk nowhere to open hearts. So all the frustration is one there. I have some example here in parent parent father tell me that. Oh my God. It’s my three years. I never ended talking to anybody else about my children disability. It’s my first time I started talking. Of course the daddy never come again. But I remember that forever. That’s it’s us to give him the first chance to speak out. Just speak out there. Right. I know we have a solution. If you have time come back here. If your wife just connect we can there but first the burden of their heart. We need to do more than that. The man can even he did not talk he still feel he understand. So that is great you guys doing this.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well I agree. I think what I hear you saying is that we need to create these safe places for dads to be able to open up and be authentic. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Bin Feng: First of all, thank you very much. I did not know that searching a father’s group before until recently. Mostly this year we see more organization try staring in New York State we got last month we have a community called fathering Staring community set up there to try to push on this the government level like you I I’m so happy I need to research read your book there we have your example. You have all the story we can using. We can follow up there. So I think the next one is how we how we help each other. Make the resources, make the chance. Talking about invite all the daddy great Daddy. The most important I think for us is Should a young parent, young daddy. We have examples there. You can follow Dave, like a bicycle hundred miles or something. Or John, we have lots of great examples there. So we then let them see the future. Let’s see, we can engage, right? I think that I probably have lots of things, but I think that’s one I really wanted that we can create more chance. Let them engage. Let them know where to engage, how to engage. Right?

David Hirsch: Yep. So let’s give a special shout out to Heather Emery at Parent to Parent, New York State for helping connect us.

Bin Feng: Thank you. Thank you, David. Thank you everybody. Thank you. Steve too.

David Hirsch: Somebody wants to contact you. What’s the best way to do so

Bin Feng: I can give you my email address, phone number? Yeah, it’s my phone number here. 3479-4488-0834-7944-8808. My email from parent to parent is B F E N G My first name the b feng@parenttoparentys.org so you know, if you need find me, you can find me.

David Hirsch: I’ll be

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David Hirsch: sure to include that in the show notes so it’ll make it as easy as possible for somebody to get a hold of you. Ben, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Ben is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network, a mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, please go to 21st centurydads.org thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st century dad’s foundation has is a 501c3 not for profit organization. Which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned. Would you please consider making a taxactable contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Ben. Thanks again.

Bin Feng: Thank you very much. Dave. Welcome New York Ian dad to the dead. You’re not on your own.

David Hirsch: We walk this road together, hard and whole.

David Hirsch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stcenturydads.org

David Hirsch: and if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david2stcenturydads.org the dad

David Hirsch: to dad Podcast theme was written and performed by Shane Madden. The show was produced by me, Tom Couch. Tune in again next week for another intriguing conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

David Hirsch: Through every season, in every stride, great dads are present.

Bin Feng: 247-365-247365.

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