285 – Florence Ann Romano of Hinsdale, IL Author Of ‘Build Your Village’ & Sibling To A Brother With Autism

Transcript:

Tom Couch: [00:00:00] Special thanks to Horizon Therapeutics for sponsoring the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Working tirelessly to research, develop, and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics mission at HorizonTherapeutics.com.

Florence Ann Romano: The best thing in the world you can do is ask for help and don’t think that you’re a burden and don’t think you have an outstanding debt to someone or it’s tit for tat. We are supposed to take care of each other. We are supposed to live a life in service of others. Life began in these villages. It’s with people taking care of one another.

And we need to continue doing that, whether it’s the family you’re born into or the family you create. You deserve to find your people.

Tom Couch: That’s our guest this week, Florence Ann Romano, child care expert, entrepreneur, and author of two books, Nanny and Me. and Building Your Village. We’ll hear about Florence’s fascinating life, including her focus on community, and about her [00:01:00] brother, Michael, who is autistic.

That’s all on this Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: Hi, and thanks for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast, presented by the Special Fathers Network, a Dad to Dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs.

The Special Fathers Mastermind Group Experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads Foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books, and sharing heartfelt challenges.

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Tom Couch: Now let’s hear this fascinating conversation between Florence Ann Romano and David Hirsch.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Florence Ann Romano of Hinsdale, Illinois, who’s a child care expert, creator of Windy City Nannies, a web series, was founder of Kindred Content, a woman owned digital content company, acquired by Yakety Yak, where she’s vice president of business strategy.

She’s also the author of two books and older sister to Michael, who has autism. Thank you. Florence Ann, thank you for taking the time to do a [00:03:00] podcast interview for the Special Fathers Network.

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you, David. I’m thrilled to be here. This is a really special opportunity, so thank you for having me.

David Hirsch: Let’s start with some background.

Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Florence Ann Romano: Grew up in Hinsdale. I lived in the city for 13 years before I ended up coming back to my roots. In Hinsdale, I love being back. I live 90 seconds away from my mother, which I love. I knew I would always be pulled back here in some sort of way, but all my friends got married and they all had children and I was stuck in the city.

And I was like, you know what? I’m away from everything that I love and everyone that I love. So being out here again is, is really wonderful.

David Hirsch: Great. So, um, my recollection was that you were the oldest of four.

Florence Ann Romano: Correct. I’m 38. My brother, Michael, is 36. He’s the one who has autism, like you mentioned. And then I have a sister who is 33 and another sister who is, uh, shortly going to be 28.

David Hirsch: So 28 to 38, that’s a pretty good range.

Florence Ann Romano: That’s I, everyone [00:04:00] always comments on that, that little, and she was planned, believe it or not.

David Hirsch: That’s fabulous. Well, it’s great to have siblings. So I’m sort of curious to know, um, what did your dad do for a living?

Florence Ann Romano: My dad was in a third generation liquor distribution business called Romano Brothers.

I laugh, I actually just hosted a Christmas party a few days ago and I was ordering the alcohol for the party and I’m on the phone with them and I’m like, well, what should I get? What should I do? And I start laughing and I go, you would never know that I am the daughter of a former liquor distributor because I’m so terrible when it comes to knowing anything regarding alcohol.

But my father ran, God bless him, a really successful business. And I learned a lot from my dad through his time in a family business, certainly. Um, and then you had mentioned Kindred Content, my business that I had about seven, eight years before I merged it with another. And so I would like to think that maybe, um, that business acumen, uh, is something that trickled down genetically, but I certainly will never be [00:05:00] the business person that my father was.

David Hirsch: Is there a reason it’s not a fourth generation business? Like with you or your sisters running the business?

Florence Ann Romano: Good question. You know, I always wonder if he had kept the business, what going into it would have been like, I think I would have probably quite enjoyed it, but my father really was a visionary in terms of that business and at the time, and my dad retired, gosh, David, when he was about 51.

I mean, that’s He saw the writing on the wall. There was really a monopoly kind of going on in terms of the liquor distribution in the United States, certainly in Chicago. It was kind of like, well, now or never, what’s kind of going to happen here? And I think my dad really did make the right decision for himself at the time.

But certainly I do the what if game often about what if it had been a fourth generation business.

David Hirsch: Okay, well, thanks for sharing. So I’m sort of curious now, how would you describe your relationship with your dad? Um,

Florence Ann Romano: Oh, Dad and I, I think have a lot of similarities. You know, uh, the writing is something that my [00:06:00] dad, uh, definitely excels at even more so than I do.

But even though we have some similarities, you know, my dad, I think, because of his childhood, has certain limitations. You know, he comes from a family that had an Horribly nasty divorce, a lot of substance abuse issues, things like that. So I think with my dad, um, he had to overcome a lot, uh, becoming a parent himself.

And so that was challenging for him. So I think he, uh, he did the best he could.

David Hirsch: Any important takeaways when you think about your relationship with your dad? A lesson learned?

Florence Ann Romano: You know, that’s a great question. I, there’s a lot of takeaways. I think, I think there is. The stuff I can control about my father and the things I can’t control.

And that can be difficult. A lot of his trauma that comes from his childhood. I know that that can’t be controlled and he’s tried in his life to overcome a lot of that, but then there’s. That is in [00:07:00] his control and you can’t Just go blaming your childhood for Everything. So I think walking that fine line with my Dad has been a big part of my whole Life, but certainly I become more and more aware of it the older and older I get.

David Hirsch: Do you have an example?

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah, I mean, I would say that, um, Uh, my dad’s relationship with his father, you know, my, my grandfather, he died when I was 12. I didn’t know him as well as my mom’s side of the family. My nana and papa, my mom’s parents, they lived with us growing up. I’m from an old school Italian family, but my dad’s parents, you know, my grandfather, like I said, died when I was 12 and he was a tough guy.

He was like a Dean Martin swagger kind of guy, you know, drank and you know, was a, you know, part of the nightlife and stuff. And was hard on my dad. I think my dad was very aware of how my grandfather treated him. And then my dad wanted to be different than his father in a lot of [00:08:00] ways, but unfortunately couldn’t break a lot of those cycles.

And I don’t even know if you asked my dad today, if he would even admit that he was more like his dad than he thought.

David Hirsch: Very interesting. You use the word cycle. And, um, The topic of my TED Talk, the topic of my first book, is breaking the cycle of father absence. You weren’t talking about father absence, but there are cycles that run through families, right?

And, uh, it does take a lot of discipline to break a cycle.

Florence Ann Romano: Right.

David Hirsch: Whatever that might be, so thank you for shedding light on that. So you’ve made reference to both your grandfathers already. Uh, your dad’s dad, who died at a relatively early age, you’re age 12. And then, uh, it sounded like you had a very close relationship with your papa.

Florence Ann Romano: Yes, so my papa, oh gosh, I hope I don’t cry through this. Like I said, my mom’s parents lived with us growing up. My name is very old fashioned because I’m named after [00:09:00] my nana. My papa was, uh, It’s an incredible human being, extraordinary basically in every way. He was a former judge and he was probably the best example in my life of what unconditional love meant.

I never questioned how my grandfather, how my papa felt about me and I was always safe and I was always protected and I knew everything he did was in my best interest. And so having him in my life in such a specific way, in such a, a deep way, I mean, he used to come to my doctor’s appointments with me, with my mom.

I mean, that’s how involved my grandparents were. Uh, and I loved it. You know, I, I look back on my, my life with them. My papa, you know, it’s funny that we’re having this conversation in December. My Papa passed away on Christmas night, nine years ago. And we always say that, you know, God takes the best ones on the holiest of days.

And so, you know, that, that, that was [00:10:00] Papa. Uh, but a very small joke, a side note, cause those out there with families will understand this. My Nana and Papa were married, gosh, you know, over 65 years, whatever it was by the time they both passed away. And, you know, we’re all there when Papa’s passing away and my Nana says out loud, Gosh, Adam, this is so selfish of you, Adam, to ruin everybody’s holiday like this.

And I mean, you know, he was out of it. I mean, but we were laughing because it was the funniest thing to come out of her mouth. And we’re that kind of family, kind of have that morbid sense of humor. It was hysterical. So I, you know, they were the loves of my life. I miss them both terribly, but having the relationship I had in a multi generational family like that it’s not the rule anymore.

It’s the exception.

David Hirsch: Yeah, quite remarkable. Thanks for sharing and thank God for your Papa and Quentin, the way that is my nickname that I’ve been given as a grandfather. Oh! So I don’t know if I can live up to that lofty role model that you’re a [00:11:00] papa set.

Florence Ann Romano: You will, I can already tell.

David Hirsch: Any other father figures, men that played an influential role in your life, either as a young girl, or as a young woman, or as an adult?

Florence Ann Romano: I ended up in my teenage life, even in childhood, I had really great male friends. To this day, they still are very close to me. My goddaughter, her father is my best friend since we were five. You know, so I have selected men in my life that have been extremely positive, that I love dearly. And that I always thought was interesting based on my relationship with my father and the challenges there.

I never was looking In the wrong places for that male representation. I actually went the opposite way. I really went seeking maybe what it is that I, I needed in terms of emotional support or whatever it might be, or what I admired in men. So maybe not as a child, not having a ton of male role models, but certainly in my adulthood, [00:12:00] I choose it.

David Hirsch: Yeah. Well, it is interesting because, um, sometimes when there’s some dysfunctionality. My word, not yours, in a family. Women occasionally look for love in all the wrong places.

Tom Couch: Right.

David Hirsch: That’s more common than, you know, maybe we’d like to admit or acknowledge. And, uh, you know, it’s interesting that you’ve developed, um, if I can refer to it as a higher standard.

And maybe that’s, uh, attributable to your relationship with your Papa.

Florence Ann Romano: That’s maybe why I’m single still, too. That’s standard for me, you know. But that’s also, you know, something, too. My parents, you know, David, I think we talked about this, David. My parents were married 40 years, 4 0, 40 years before they got divorced.

And they’ve been divorced 4 years now. And You know, I remember my dad saying to me once after the divorce, well, we broke the cycle. And I go, not really. I was like, how do you figure? I said, you still got divorced. Cause you know, his parents were divorced and then [00:13:00] obviously he divorced. He said that he thought because he didn’t divorce when I was a child, Doesn’t have the same effect.

And I reminded him what his divorce attorney said, who was a very good family friends of ours. And she said, remember, Michael, you have to understand that it doesn’t matter their age. There’s still children of a divorce, no matter what. So I think my dad wanted to. Be exempt from that because he was so mad about his parents and what happened there, then yeah, maybe it wasn’t the same reasons that his parents divorced, but a divorce is a divorce.

You’re still in that bucket versus the other. So I thought that was an interesting way my dad was trying to rationalize it.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well probably for a whole other conversation, but thank you for sharing. Yeah, there’s

Florence Ann Romano: a whole different conversation, yeah.

David Hirsch: You’re going way beyond my area of expertise.

Florence Ann Romano: I’m not following the format here.

I’m not following the outline, that’s for sure.

David Hirsch: No, no, no, no, no. So my recollection was you went to Bradley University, you [00:14:00] were a theater and communications major, you studied abroad for a year, and I’m sort of curious to know, um, Where did you see your career taking you when you finished your formal education?

Florence Ann Romano: Oh, it’s funny. I always thought I was going to be a broadcast journalist. And, uh, there’s still a part of me that maybe would have enjoyed that. But, I thought perhaps I would try the acting thing, dabble in that a bit. I lived in LA. I, you know, did all the voiceover training. I did the on camera training.

Classically trained in college, you know, cause I was a theater major. I didn’t really know exactly what I was going to do with it. But then once I moved back from LA back to Chicago, that’s when I started kind of diving more into the child advocacy side of my life. And it’s funny, the acting training that I had ended up being the best degree I probably could have ever gotten because my life then became, um, Very visual, I suppose, you know, I was doing a lot of media all of a sudden.

So that training, um, really came in handy. So I didn’t know [00:15:00] exactly where it was going to go, but I knew I was going to most likely be using it for communication, probably in some sort of broadcast capacity, maybe just not as a journalist.

David Hirsch: Fair enough. So my understanding was you spent about a decade or so.

Having founded or created something called Windy City Nannies, a web series.

Florence Ann Romano: I’m Florence Ann Romano, former nanny and childcare expert. I’m on a mission to empower families with everyday challenges. This is the Windy City Nanny. So I was a nanny for over 15 years, a long time ago in my life, started to like a lot of young girls do as a mother’s helper and then becomes a babysitter and then it turns into a nanny and I loved it.

It was a fabulous time of my life. But it led me after I kind of retired from being a nanny and I started my digital content company, it led me to thinking about the childcare landscape. And I had heard a statistic that over 65 percent [00:16:00] of families in America had a nanny or a caretaker. It kind of stopped me in my tracks.

And I thought, gosh, that’s not good. That’s an alarming statistic, not alarming in a bad way, just shocking that it’s such a big part of our culture, having other people help us raise our children. And I thought, really, we’re doing a disservice if we’re not talking about this. So I wanted to write a children’s book, and I did, called Nanny and Me, that helped children understand the transition of being cared for by your parents to being cared for by a nanny or a caretaker.

And then that led me to having a platform in terms of child care in the new millennium. That was really my first step into the personal growth capacity.

David Hirsch: So Windy City Nannies, what was that?

Florence Ann Romano: The Windy City Nanny. Yes. I was known as the Windy City Nanny when I would do a lot of media. So I started a web series called Windy City Nanny and I went into different homes, usually the suburbs of Chicago, and interviewed families.

About what the dynamics were like for them. What were their challenges as parents [00:17:00] right now? What was going on with their kids? What was going on with their marriage? What were their family values? What was lacking? I kind of felt like I was, I maybe should have had some sort of like Counseling degree or something, but it was, it was really more so trying to figure out how the trifecta works and that trifecta being parents, children, and caretaker, whatever that looks like in your family.

And it was really fantastic getting to meet all those different families and seeing the slice of life that they were presenting in such a vulnerable way.

David Hirsch: I think there is a higher incidence of childcare in our society today, perhaps, than in generations past. And particularly if you have a large family.

We were raising five kids, and it was pretty obvious that once we went from two children and two parents, sort of what we joked as man on man defense, to zone defense, when there was three of them, and then four of them, and then five of them, we’re like, This is insane. And we just needed some more arms and legs and, you know, people [00:18:00] to help out and family can only go so far,

Tom Couch: right?

So anyway,

David Hirsch: you made reference to this, um, content business, Kindred content. And I’m wondering, um, what was that about? Um, what was your experience with that and what led to you eventually selling it to Yakety Yak like you did?

Florence Ann Romano: We focused on video content that lived online. So, uh, think about things you see on people’s websites or things you see on social media or even when you go to a big gala and they show a video that’s going to hopefully make you cry and open up your wallet.

We really wanted to focus on, uh, Working with businesses that had a give back component to it. So think Diff Eyewear or, you know, Tom’s Shoes, you know, we wanted to work with companies that were doing something to pay it forward. It was really fantastic because we were starting to see that wave really happen where philanthropy and business collided.

I enjoyed the work for a long time, but then COVID hit and I was reevaluating like a lot of business [00:19:00] owners were. And, uh, one of my friends who ended up being who I merged my company with, we went to coffee one day, she said to me. You know, what do you want to do? What do you think you’re going to do with Kindred?

And I said, I don’t know. I think, I think I want to sell it to you. And she started laughing because years ago, when we first met the person, the mutual friend who introduced us said, you two have a lot of, a lot of similarities. You should know each other. So the first time I sit down with Ashley and meet her, she looks at me and goes, you’re going to sell your company to me one day.

And I go, I don’t know, but am I just met you? And you’re like, who’s this crazy person? Anyway, a few years later, fast forward, she was right. I did end up selling my company to her. Um, but it was the perfect marriage. We had worked strategically with each other for a number of years, knew each other’s businesses very well.

It’s still going strong. That that merger is still going strong. And, um, It’s successful, so I’m very grateful.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well thanks for sharing. So let’s switch gears and talk about special needs on a personal level.

Florence Ann Romano: Yes.

David Hirsch: And then a bit beyond. I’m sort of curious to know, what [00:20:00] is your brother Michael’s diagnosis and how did it come about?

Florence Ann Romano: Michael was diagnosed with developmental dysphagia at two years old. To remind people at the time, this is, you know, the mid eighties, autism wasn’t very prevalent. People weren’t talking about autism. And my mom said she remembers going to the developmental pediatrician and, uh, saying, you know, Michael’s not hitting the milestones the same way Florence Ann is.

Now, Michael and I are only 17 months apart. So, you know, that’s, it’s pretty close in age for a parent to be noticing what one was doing and what the other is not. And, um, Basically, you know, up until he was two, you’re like, well, you know, she talks a lot. So maybe he’s just not talking because she’s pretty verbose and all that stuff.

And once he was finally diagnosed, my mom said the doctor handed her a long list of things that Michael wouldn’t or would be able to do and an idea of maybe what it could be and Amongst other things that said he would probably never live on his own. He would need an [00:21:00] aid. He would not reach, you know, probably more than toddler level comprehension.

And at the bottom of the list was autism. And that is when my mom really became a Maven for information. My mom, I have to give her an enormous shout out. You know, my father was busy working and bless him for it because he was able to support our family and everything that Michael needed in terms of resources.

But my mom was who Became Michael’s advocate. She flew everywhere to try to find everything. She’s probably one of the first people that discovered music therapy. And so, I really have to give her a lot of credit for how she became completely immersed in researching what autism was.

David Hirsch: And your point is a good one.

Um, if Michael’s 36, people weren’t using the term autism as freely, openly, and commonly as they do today. No. It must have, you know, In a totally different environment to be raising a child, right? With a lot. More uncertainty then than exists today [00:22:00] with very few directions or therapies that parents could pursue.

So your mom was a pioneer in certain respects. So from your earliest awareness that your brother was different, was there any fear, concern, or was it just, Hey, he’s just my younger brother.

Florence Ann Romano: We laugh because we’ll watch old movies and he was such a big boy, you know We look like we could be twins only 17 months apart and I said to mom did we ever really fight and she’s like no Not really like, you know, like you Bick, you know, you would try to like maybe take a toy from him But he never fought back.

He was just kind of you know, he’s just easygoing and Michael still is that like that? he’s got an easygoing personality, but I remember when I was younger explaining to my friends that Michael was different, but I never remember my parents telling me about Michael. I just remember it being kind of part of the fabric of our lives.

I don’t remember the day I was sat down and told what autism was. You know, as I grew up, it was Michael can do this, Michael can’t, Michael understands this, he doesn’t, you [00:23:00] know, all whatever that was, but what was really interesting my mom said was. I never was shy about, I was never shy anyway, but I was never shy about telling people about Michael and I was almost excited about it.

Oh, this is my brother and he likes these certain animals and he does this and he likes to flap his hands around and stuff and I, it just was part of, again, the fabric of our lives. So I never, I never thought of my brother as necessarily different until later when I realized really what special needs were.

Growing up I just thought I do certain things and he does certain things and some of those things are the same and some of those things aren’t.

David Hirsch: Not to focus on the negative, but were there some challenges that you can recall as brother and sister when you were growing up or as young adults for that matter?

Florence Ann Romano: The challenges I would say as I got older, and this is, you know what, you say the quiet part out loud I suppose, is as I got older and Michael got older and Michael, um, [00:24:00] with his gesticulation or his humming or whatever it is that Michael does that makes him unique, that is part of autism. I think it’s very normal that a child, a neurotypical child that is, you know, at a point in your life you just want to fit in in school, you don’t want to be different, you don’t want attention on you.

And when Michael was around, sometimes Michael would be loud and it would be different and people would stare. I would see people make fun of him and I would get very upset with that. And I’d be upset about the attention, and I’d be upset about someone being mean to my brother. It was, it was a complicated amount of feelings.

So, I would say that was the challenge was growing up, was understanding how to deal with people being curious and also people being cruel.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well thanks for the transparency. Along those lines, I’m wondering what impact Michael’s situation had on your siblings, who were younger. As well as your extended family.

Florence Ann Romano: You know, we always say Michael’s the, you know, the angel. Michael’s the favorite. He is. I mean, you know, [00:25:00] we all grew up with a tremendous amount of empathy, I would say. And I’m also going to bring it back to my grandparents for a second. When you grow up in a multi generational home and a home with a special needs child, you are learning a lot of really important life skills.

You’re learning patience. You’re learning kindness. You’re learning compassion, responsibility. You know, we grew up in a home where that was a part of. Just a part again of the fabric of the conversation and of the expectation of who we were. My siblings Gabrielle and Christiana growing up with Michael felt the same way too.

You know, this is just who Michael is and I don’t think any of us really ever felt in any way Less than Michael or ignored or not as much of a priority to our parents because Michael needed a lot of attention. My mom, if she were, you know, sitting next to me right now, having this discussion with us, she’d go, David, Michael was my easiest one by far combined.[00:26:00]

So, I mean, so, you know, Michael really was so good. And we’re so lucky in that Michael is not violent. And, you know, one thing I have to give my mom again, credit for. My mom never let my brother watch anything violent. All right. Uh, no video games, no violent television, nothing. And so I think to this day, Michael is as sweet and kind as he is because, uh, my mom made a very, uh, concerted effort to make sure he was never exposed to anything that could harm him or others.

David Hirsch: So I’m going back to the comment your mom made about Michael being the easiest.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah.

David Hirsch: Yes. My wife has said that about our boys. I’m wondering if there’s a gender sort of undertone to that. I’m just making two data point observations, maybe not conclusive.

Florence Ann Romano: There may be something to that, but you know, I was at lunch actually earlier today with my girlfriends and a few of them have boys.

And, uh, and girls as well. And they made the same [00:27:00] observation, even with their kids being younger, all probably under 10 years old. They said, yeah, it’s just different. Girls are just different. And, you know, I get it. Girls come with a lot of different baggage, okay? There’s a lot of other things you have to worry about with girls.

But, um, Michael, I think, has my mom’s temperament anyway. I think if Michael had been neurotypical, I think he would have been a lot like my mom. My mom is a saint.

David Hirsch: It sounds like it.

Tom Couch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message.

Please help 21st century dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents Survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes as a token of our appreciation each year. Each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a Great Dad coin.

Thank you. Now, back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: So I’m [00:28:00] wondering about supporting organizations. Any organizations that come to mind that Michael benefited from, your family benefited from as a result of his autism?

Florence Ann Romano: We’ve been involved with Misericordia for many, many years. My mom is probably one of the founding members of her chapter of Misericordia.

Michael has never lived at Misericordia. He’s never been part of the day programming there. We’ll never live at Misericordia, to be honest with you. We would probably do something that’s more private, but we are big, big supporters and fans of what Sister Rosemary does over there. Um, and, and, and Misericordia has been a place we’ve supported a long time.

Myself, I actually am on the leadership council of Sesame Street. I’m one of the founding members of that. And one of the first things that I did as a leadership council member is I was. Interviewed by a couple of the people who are in charge of the content of Sesame Street. They were creating Julia, at the time, the Muppet who has autism.

And was interviewed about what it was like as a neurotypical sibling. I’ve seen some of that content play out on Sesame [00:29:00] Street, which is pretty cool. Once upon a time, there was a girl, an amazing girl, named Julia! Named Julia! Perfect! And before that, I actually had started a non profit junior board back when I was junior enough to have a junior board, where we raised money for a school for autism, which is called Giant Steps.

It’s located in Lyle, Illinois. And my brother was part of that day program for many years.

David Hirsch: Okay. Well, I’ll be sure to include some of that information in the show notes if people are interested in learning more. So, where does Michael live today and what does he do on a day to day basis? For

Florence Ann Romano: Lives with my mom, about 90 seconds away from me, so I get to see him all the time.

And my best friend, Annie, is actually his aide. Um, she has a background, a couple of, gosh, she’s the smartest person I know for sure. Has different master’s degrees, all regarding autism. And she and Michael. Spend four days a week together and they do everything from walking the track at the local high school [00:30:00] to visiting museums to going to Target, his very favorite thing in the world.

And he loves her. He and, uh, it’s a really beautiful relationship between them. So Michael does, uh, stay busy.

David Hirsch: Okay. Well, I’ll keep an eye open at Target then.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah. , may I tell you David, when Christmas, you know, comes around or his birthday, anything, he opens a gift and if he doesn’t like it, he tells you take it back to Target.

’cause he thinks everything comes from Target. ’cause you know, it doesn’t everything anyway. But, so it’s really cute. We always joke in our family, anytime we get open a gift, we go take it back to Target.

David Hirsch: So you made reference to, um, the first book that you wrote, nanny and Me.

Tom Couch: Right.

David Hirsch: And the sort of backstory on that. We came in contact because of the book that came out earlier this year, which is entitled Build Your Village, a guide to finding joy and community in every stage of life. I listened to this book twice on Audible.

Florence Ann Romano: Oh, that, I don’t, I don’t think even my family did that. [00:31:00] Thank you.

David Hirsch: There’s just so much there. I was taking notes. So I, I don’t want to just dive in, but, uh, what was the backstory, right, on you coming up with the idea for this book and, uh, How has it transpired?

Florence Ann Romano: Well, I had heard parents, especially parents, bemoan the fact, uh, you know, where is this village everyone talks about?

You know, you heard that old proverb, it takes a village to raise a child. And I love that proverb. It’s great. It’s true. I just think it’s very limiting. Because if you don’t have kids, does that mean you don’t deserve to find your people? Does that mean you don’t deserve a community? So when COVID hit and everyone on a global level knew what it felt like to have their support systems ripped away from them, I thought to myself, well now is the time to really talk about Village.

So I wanted to cut that proverb in half. It takes a village. And in order for people to really identify what’s missing in terms of their village or how to build their village, you know, these parents, where is the village? Is there a phone number to call to people to show up at your door? What do you do?[00:32:00]

Well, I wanted to give a roadmap to the village. And so I created six archetypes in the book, six villagers that you identify with to help you figure out what’s missing. What your current village looks like and what’s missing and also and just as important. Who am I in other people’s villages? How do I show up for people?

David Hirsch: Well, that might be a good, um, launching point for the six archetypes. Organizer, Communicator, Healer, Accepting, Dependable, Cheerleader. Did I get them?

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah, yeah, I think you got all that. Cheerleader, Communicator. Dependable Organizer. Healer. You missed Healer. That was the only one.

David Hirsch: That was number three.

Florence Ann Romano: Yeah. Did you say Hero? Then I think you’ve got them all. I just did them in a different order than you. Sorry.

David Hirsch: Okay. There’s just so much there. And, uh, what I was struggling with, uh, was trying to copy hold myself in one of these archetypes. I don’t fit neatly into one of these. Maybe I’m playing different roles in different, you know, groups that I’m involved with.

I’m a leader here. I’m a follower there. It’s not. Mike, [00:33:00] it’s a cookie cutter, like, you know, it’s one size fits all. So I’m wondering if you could sort of shed some light on how you came up with these, you know, categories.

Florence Ann Romano: Well, you hit the nail on the head. You’re, it’s not necessarily that you are just one of these people.

I think it depends on the season of your life you’re in too. I am solely one of these archetypes, I would say, depending on the bandwidth I have in my own life. I give this example in the book, and you might remember David of me talking about going through IVF. Yeah. When I was 35, I froze my eggs and did all that.

And it was a lot on me, my body, my brain. And I really was having a difficult time taking care of myself, let alone everybody else, which is naturally what I like to do, kind of be the caretaker. So at that season of my life, I was really only able to, to really be the accepting person, you know, every now and then when someone would call me, I could be there to listen, to, to not judge them, to whatever it was.

But I wasn’t able to be the organizer. I wasn’t able to be the communicator cause I was, I wasn’t organizing [00:34:00] anything anymore. So we could go down the rabbit hole of like what all six of these are and all six of those, uh, definitions. But I think to different people, you are going to be different people, if that makes sense.

It’s fun to be able to reflect on what do I think I bring to the table? How do I show up for other people? And maybe when you read the book and you look at these six people, you think to yourself, you know what, that healer, I could be someone that walks next to someone through a hard time. I could be there to not fix them, not fix the situation, but be their, their true north, be, you know, truly consciously compassionate.

This book is supposed to grow with you in an evergreen way for the rest of your life. So no matter what you’re going through, what your transition in life is, how lost you feel, how lonely you are, because we are in a loneliness epidemic right now. We are in a mental health crisis. Hopefully [00:35:00] this book can be a place you go that gives you some control where you feel out of control.

David Hirsch: I love it. So there was one message that just like, Like boomed. Remember I listened to it as opposed to Reddit. So I was going to say it jumped off. I’m glad

Florence Ann Romano: because I narrate it. Oh yeah, you

David Hirsch: did a fabulous job.

Florence Ann Romano: But

David Hirsch: the message that really leapt off the page, if you will, is you have to accept people for who they are.

That’s the message that resonates through the disability and special needs community, because you can’t change somebody who has autism. It’s not like a disease that you’re going to like overcome. It’s just part of who somebody is. Like with Michael, or with Down syndrome, or a cerebral palsy, or with rare disease, or somebody’s blind, or deaf, or missing a limb, you know, you could grieve the loss that you had anticipated for your loved one.

You know, you’re not going to change them. So meeting people where they [00:36:00] are, accepting them for who they are, was one resonated with me. And I think, if I remember this, There was a woman that was giving you advice about you going through IBF.

Tom Couch: Right.

David Hirsch: And maybe becoming a single mom.

Florence Ann Romano: Right.

David Hirsch: Can you recall that?

Florence Ann Romano: Yes, she, uh, was someone that knew my dad and sent me a Facebook Messenger note and didn’t know me well at all. And she had a lot of strong opinions about me considering becoming a single mother because part of what you’ll read in the book is I did go through IVF. I did freeze my eggs, but I also did.

Fertilize some of my eggs with donor sperm because if I don’t end up getting married I know I would like to be a mother, but this woman had a lot of very strong opinions about me becoming a single parent and Her commentary was unwelcome But I tried to be as kind as I could in my response and I understand that She, I think in her mind, thought she was [00:37:00] probably trying to shield me from something that may be challenged, not only challenging to me, but detrimental to my potential child.

But it certainly was the first time that someone was as aggressive as they were in terms of their feedback about my life choices.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing and I’m going to be totally transparent. When I was listening to this, I was like, you know what? That’s exactly what I would be saying to you.

Florence Ann Romano: And your, your opinion is, is probably, uh, many people’s because I agree, I, children deserve to have both.

David Hirsch: Right. They do. So, but what I took away from this was, you know, here I’ve been advocating for father involvement actively for the last 27 years. And having this broad understanding about the impact of what happens when children are raised in single parent families.

Most of which 99. 9 something percent of the women who are single moms [00:38:00] did not sign up to be single moms.

Florence Ann Romano: Correct. Correct.

David Hirsch: My mom was one of those moms.

Florence Ann Romano: Right.

David Hirsch: She was the salt of the earth person totally dedicated to raising me and my younger brother. And, you know, just, you know, Soldier Dawn, right, did the best job she could with the resources that she had.

And thank God for her dad, my maternal grandfather, who was there every step of the way. But I feel pretty strongly about the importance of two parent families. But listening to how you responded enlightened me, right, to say that, while I know statistically that children are better off in two parent families, that’s not always the case.

so much. That’s not always the circumstance. And we just have to accept that. Like you said, meet people for where they are and for who they are. And, you know, Just be good with it, right? As opposed to the world is black and white, there’s only one way to do things.

Florence Ann Romano: Sure. I mean, meet people where [00:39:00] they are, not where you want them to be.

And, you know, also putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. I mean, imagine at the time what I was going through trying to figure that out. You know, I, I’m not married yet. Am I ever going to, am I ever going to be able to be a mom? It’s a dream of mine. You know, should I. Not be awarded or afforded, pardon me, afforded that opportunity just because I, I haven’t been able to play the role of wife yet.

Do I not have enough love to give this child myself? Will I not give them a village that is so accepting and loving and warm? And then I look at also people that I know who did grow up in a two parent home where You know, there’s the other, there’s that other bucket, which we, this is of course, you know, this is a different statistic, but they grew up, you know, having abuse or substance, you know, issues in their households.

And it probably would be better if probably one of those parents wasn’t around, you know, and so I, you know, it’s not perfect, but something I’ve learned in life is, you know, everyone is going to have an opinion, but. What’s happening in our world today, I think, is [00:40:00] everyone thinks their opinion is the most important.

We think we are so important that our opinions must be told and, you know, everyone must listen to us. And, and it’s, there’s this ego attached to, I think, a lot of our society today. And we’re, we’re not doing a great job listening. We’re not doing a great job agreeing to disagree. That’s kind of an oxymoron now.

I don’t think people know how to do that, honestly, anymore. So there are some things that have dissipated from our society that we desperately need to get back to. You know, people talk about old school this, old school that, no one wants old school, it’s too old, it’s too old. I always say, well, we need to find a way to have old school meet new school.

There has to be a hybrid of that, because there are certain things we shouldn’t be getting rid of, that we, I was raised with, or you were raised with, that, that worked, that were solid. So, you know, modernizing everything isn’t always a great idea.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, what I think you’re talking about is the core values, the shared values that we have, that we pass down from [00:41:00] generation to generation.

Correct. So, I’m thinking about advice now, and I’m wondering if there’s any specific advice that you can share with parents, perhaps dads, given all of your child care experience. that you’d like to share.

Florence Ann Romano: There are two things. My favorite quote is Maya Angelou, people forget what you said, people forget what you did, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.

And it’s the philosophy I like to live life by. And I hope that you try to surround yourself with people that abide by that philosophy too, that are there to almost feel like sunlight to you, gravitate toward those people that are going to fill in the gaps. And the second part of that is ask for help.

The best thing in the world you can do is ask for help and don’t think that you’re a burden and don’t think you have an outstanding deck to someone or it’s tit for tat. We are supposed to take care of each other. We are supposed to live a life in service of others. Life began in these villages. It’s with people taking care of one another.

And we need to continue doing that, whether it’s the family you’re born [00:42:00] into or the family you create, you deserve to find your people.

David Hirsch: Yeah, well, I particularly like that second aspect, which is asking for help. And from a male’s perspective, I think historically, maybe genetically, It’s thought of as a weakness.

Florence Ann Romano: Correct.

David Hirsch: Right? That you can’t figure something out on your, on your own.

Florence Ann Romano: Right.

David Hirsch: I’m not going to pull over and ask for directions, mentally. And, uh, there’s some truth to that.

Tom Couch: Right.

David Hirsch: I know that, to a great extent, I still think that way. But, what I’ve come to realize is that, Asking for help is actually a strength to acknowledge the fact that maybe I don’t have it together.

I don’t have all the answers and uh, if there’s anything that we can do to help enlighten people about that and um, That’s a victory.

Florence Ann Romano: It is and when you ask for help you allow other people you give them permission to also know It’s okay to be vulnerable and let down their guard. So it’s you’re doing something for someone else as well

David Hirsch: Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Florence Ann Romano: No, I’m just honored to be here. This has been one, honestly, of [00:43:00] my, my favorite conversations I have had. And we’ve gotten to talk about so many things that are close to my heart, especially my brother. And I don’t always have the opportunity to talk about Michael. So thank you.

David Hirsch: Let’s give a special shout out to Rena Friedman Watts, a host of the Better Call Daddy Podcast for introducing us.

Florence Ann Romano: Yes, Rena, no one better.

David Hirsch: Somebody wants to learn about Yakety Yak, your books, contact you. What’s the best way to do that?

Florence Ann Romano: Florenceann. com is my website. My book is there. All the information about me and also blogs that talk about a ton of other things. And I’m also all over social media, Florenceann Romano.

I answer every DM. Please don’t hesitate to reach out.

David Hirsch: Florenceann, thank you for taking the time and many insights. As a reminder, Florenceann is just one of the individuals who’s part of the Special Fathers Network mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice.

I’m a mentor father with a similar situation to your own. Please go to 21stcenturydads. org. Thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network, Dad to Dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the [00:44:00] conversation as much as I did. As you probably know, the 21st Century Dads Foundation is a 501c3 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concerned.

Would you please consider making a tax deductible contribution? I would really appreciate your support. Thanks again.

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you.

Tom Couch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs.

Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children Match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21stCenturyDads. org.

David Hirsch: And, if you’re a dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group.

Please go to Facebook. com groups and search Dad to Dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting [00:45:00] stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, Please send an email to David at 21stCenturyDads. org.

Tom Couch: The Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast was produced by me, Tom Couch.

Thanks again to Horizon Therapeutics, who believe that science and compassion must work together to transform lives. That’s why they work tirelessly to research, develop, and bring forward medicines for people living with rare and rheumatic diseases. Discover more about Horizon Therapeutics at HorizonTherapeutics.com.