310 – Mastermind Group Monday with Matthew Rehbein of Nashville, TN

Transcript:

Matt Rehbein: [00:00:00] Over the past three years, it has been, if I had to name just one thing that has made the single biggest difference in my life, this would be it: joining a MasterMind group.

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast, now with more than 300 weekly episodes. Every Friday since 2018, we’ve been shining a bright light on the positive and uplifting aspects of raising children with disabilities and inspiring dads, stepdads, granddads, and father figures to be more present physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

David Hirsch: Welcome to the new Special Fathers Network MasterMind Group Monday Podcast. I’ll be interviewing MasterMind group dads who will reflect on the positive impact the MasterMind group experience has had on them and the wellbeing of their families. As a reminder, the SFN MasterMind Group Experience is the most comprehensive program the 21st Century Dads Foundation offers. Dads raising children with special needs meet virtually on a weekly basis and form meaningful relationships while sharing weekly wins, discussing books, and sharing heartfelt challenges.

David Hirsch: One of the highlights [00:01:00] of the year is attending an in-person weekend retreat. We’re launching 10 new SFN MasterMind groups in 2024 with 10 dads per group. That means we’re only looking for 10 like-minded dads in each community. If you’re a dad raising a child with special needs, we hope you’ll join a local SFN MasterMind group and make the investment to become the best version of yourself. For more information, please see the show notes or simply go to 21stCenturyDads. org. Happy listening.

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with my friend Matt Rehbein of Nashville, Tennessee, an Executive Director for Institutional Research and Analytics at Lipscomb University and father of two children, including one with disability. Matt, thank you for taking the time to do a MasterMind Group Monday interview for the Special Fathers Network.

David Hirsch: You and your wife, Waleska, have been married for 18 years and the proud parents of two children: Sabina, 9, and Benja, 12, who has autism, ADHD, and epilepsy. Let’s start with some background. You’ve been involved with the Special Fathers Network for more than three years. [00:02:00] For the past two years, you’ve been involved with the Tuesday Night SFN MasterMind Group and have attended two in-person SFN MasterMind Group weekend retreats, one in St. Louis and the last one in Chicago. Would you please provide our listening audience with a brief overview of the Rehbein family?

Matt Rehbein: Yeah. So David, thanks for giving me the opportunity to speak with you today. Moved around somewhat as a kid because of my dad’s work, but I like to say that I’m from West Virginia. Specifically Beckley, West Virginia is where I grew up. Valeska and I have been married, as you mentioned, for 18 years. We actually met in Brazil. In my former line of work, I worked in cross-cultural ministry. I lived in Brazil from 2002 to 2011. So Valeska and I met and married in Porto Alegre, Brazil, which is Brazil’s southernmost capital city. We have two children, Benjamin, who’s 12 years old, and Sabina, who is 9 years old. Benja we’ve just always called him Benja. Birth name is Benjamin, but Benja just stuck from the very [00:03:00] beginning. That’s just very characteristic of who he is.

Matt Rehbein: So we currently live in Nashville, Tennessee. I actually work at Lipscomb University, my alma mater, I should say. My occupation is institutional research and analytics. You can think of that as the business intelligence function of higher education. So I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and biblical studies from Lipscomb. I have a master’s degree in biblical studies. And as I mentioned before, I lived in Brazil for almost nine years, did cross-cultural ministry there, worked with a faith-based addiction recovery ministry that even here, almost 20 years later, we still have a lot of friends and a lot of really awesome stories of success and endurance with those men. And we continue to support some Brazilian missionary families in that effort.

Matt Rehbein: So I took a very unusual path to my current career, which is data analytics. I went back to school and got a second master’s degree [00:04:00] in industrial organizational psychology. So I’ve been in this job here at Lipscomb for 13 years now.

David Hirsch: So I’m curious to know what attracted you to get involved with the Special Fathers Network early on?

Matt Rehbein: That’s a really good question, David. So you remember what it was like going through COVID and a time of isolation and I think we all felt that to some degree. I felt it very acutely, as Benja’s diagnoses and situation progressed, it just seemed like the deck was really stacked against us. He got a diagnosis of epilepsy on top of the autism and ADHD that we had dealt with since he was young. We had some issues with schooling where we had to put him in an alternative public school for about a year and a half because of some behavioral issues.

Matt Rehbein: And looking back, it felt like we were banished at that time. It was just a very hard situation. So all these things, and personally, I just didn’t really feel like I had anybody I could really talk to about what I was going through. I just felt ashamed of just my lack of [00:05:00] ability to be, from my point of view, to be a good dad, to be a good provider. And I just kept withdrawing more and more.

Matt Rehbein: Kind of the lowest point I’ll say was about three years ago this summer, had a I’ll call it a transformative experience. I almost drowned trying to save Benja from drowning in the ocean in Florida where we like to vacation. And I think I just came face to face with my own mortality and it made me realize just how much fear and anxiety were driving my life. I was like, I just can’t keep living like this.

Matt Rehbein: So it took some time, but quite a few changes and decisions came out of that in terms of my career, focus on my personal wellbeing, but especially to really begin looking for community. I just realized I need to be in community with other dads, with other men who are going through something like I’m going through. And hearing about the Special Fathers Network and just all of a sudden it just, it’s like the door flew open. [00:06:00] This is a group that I need to be a part of. And so you and I talked, we talked several times and it just really clicked. It seemed like, okay, that this might be a place where I can finally find my people.

David Hirsch: Yeah, we’re thrilled to have you. So what was your understanding of the MasterMind Group before you joined?

Matt Rehbein: I remember when you and I were talking about it, what really appealed to me was the idea that there was going to be active participation. I just didn’t want to go into a group and just sit and listen and just absorb content or be taught this or that. I liked the idea of how it was sold of everybody takes turns leading the group. You start the group by talking about your wins. You end the meeting by talking about what you’re looking forward to. We’re reading books together or we go through this Dad in the Middle concept that I know we’ll talk about here in a little bit. But I just loved the idea of everybody pitching in and learning from each other.

Matt Rehbein: So that really appealed to me. I recognized that I needed help. I needed mentoring. I needed encouragement, but I [00:07:00] also wanted to encourage others. With all my struggles and ups and downs, I have a story of overcoming to share. I have a story of overcoming the odds to share and there are things that I can contribute, too. So that kind of dynamic participation of just being able to share and mutually encourage each other coming into the group, that’s what I was most excited about.

David Hirsch: Can you remember attending the first handful of meetings? What was that like?

Matt Rehbein: It was very interesting. Again, this was just coming out of COVID when for a couple of years so many things were virtual. And at first I was like, I don’t know if I like the whole virtual thing. I’m not sure if I’m really gonna do well with this, but something about the personalities and energy of our group there, it just clicked.

Matt Rehbein: There were about half a dozen of us who ended up becoming the core group of MasterMind 2, and there was just a really good vibe there. There were times when I was like, okay, I’m not really sure how much I’m comfortable sharing or as we got into things [00:08:00] and we just got established a routine. It’s like, you know what, I can trust these guys.

Matt Rehbein: One thing I’ll say is = this might sound a little strange to some folks – but it’s always important to know that somebody else has it worse than you, if that makes sense. [David chuckles] Sometimes when we’re in our suffering, in our difficulties, we think that the world revolves around us and that nobody else has a tougher road to hoe than we do. And I’m talking in the group with some of the guys. It’s like, man, how’d you deal with that? Your kid had a hundred seizures a day. I can barely manage one. And just some of the other stories like, wow, you know what, if they can do it. I can too.

Matt Rehbein: And I think the other thing I’ll say too, David, is that it was just good to let my guard down and just see others let their guard down at the same time too. And once you start doing that, it’s like a domino effect. People just start opening up and sharing and then it just organically builds community from there.

David Hirsch: Yeah, you didn’t use the word authenticity, but that’s what comes to mind.

Matt Rehbein: Yes.

David Hirsch: You can just be your [00:09:00] real self, right? Take the mask off. And it’s like liberating, right? When you can just talk from the heart and not feel like you’re being judged. So thank you for mentioning that.

David Hirsch: As part of the Special Fathers Network MasterMind Group experience, we read six books a year and then do a Zoom call with the author. Which has been your favorite book or author for that matter?

Matt Rehbein: I’ll say so far, the favorite book that I’ve read was One More Step by Bonner Paddock. I enjoy sports autobiographies. In a way this kind of was, but just thinking about how he described that experience of being the first person with cerebral palsy to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and then run the Ironman in Hawaii. The agonizing descriptions that he went through. But the bigger picture was he was doing all this because of a kid with cerebral palsy who passed away very unexpectedly and it just touched his heart so deeply. It was really inspiring to see how one relationship just completely changed the trajectory of his life and how he has gone on to change so many other lives [00:10:00] because of that.

Matt Rehbein: So I think the tying those two stories together, sports and endurance and overcoming obstacles, they’re just very underlying narratives of life. And when you tie those things together that way, he was just a very compelling person. I guess he’s probably my age, probably even younger, but it was just really inspiring to read that story, be impacted.

Matt Rehbein: And also I really enjoy that about the group as being able to actuallynterviewed authors and have these author calls and really feel like we’re getting a personal experience with them. We got to talk with Temple Grandin after reading her book. How many people get to do that? That was an amazing experience. But Bonner Paddock and his book definitely rank up at the top for me.

David Hirsch: Thanks for sharing. It was a very moving experience. So at the heart of the MasterMind group experience are what we call Dad in the Middle, where two dads per meeting share a challenge they’re wrestling with. What have those Dad in the Middle segments meant to you and why are they important?

Matt Rehbein: Oh man, I love that Dave. I feel like this is the heart of the MasterMind. It’s where we [00:11:00] really, like you said before, we’re being authentic. One thing I’ve really appreciated is, in our group, we have a good mix of younger dads and more experienced dads. I’ve really enjoyed, I’ll talk just in a minute about, for me personally, but I’ve enjoyed hearing the older dads and more experienced dads share their struggles and just be open about that and realize, wow, these are role models for me. These guys are 15, 20 years down the road from me in terms of raising their kids and here they are still saying, hey, I don’t have it all figured out by any means. I need help with this, too. I need a place where I can share this and bring it to you guys and just say, hey, I screwed this up or, hey I’m really angry at this person or this group and I need to work through that. And that’s just been so life giving to me to just be able to… We’re not there to solve each other’s problems or fix a situation but just to have a safe place to share that and a place to come away and just have some [00:12:00] nuggets of encouragement and some ideas.

Matt Rehbein: And for me personally I remember one particular instance where I was Dad in the Middle. We’d just come off a really crappy IEP meeting. I just said, hey, have you ever just wanted to just lay out somebody? [chuckles] And I was able to just put that out there and not feel like I was gonna be judged for it, but just talk through and say, hey, this and this. And then I was able the next day to come back and give some constructive criticism and feedback.

Matt Rehbein: And that was a big turning point for us this past year with the school. We were able to make some really significant improvements and changes. I’ll credit the MasterMind group for helping me in that situation and I’d say about a dozen other situations. It’s just funny. It seems like every other week, I’m one of the Dads in the Middle because of scheduling and things, but yeah I embrace that. It’s good to see people embracing it.

David Hirsch: Each fall, the 21st Century Dads Foundation hosts its annual SFN MasterMind Group Weekend Retreat. What have been your favorite MasterMind Group retreat experiences and why?

Matt Rehbein: I loved the [00:13:00] Chicago retreat last year. I had never really been to Chicago or spent much time there. And I just loved the setting we were in, in the top floor of Bando’s apartment building. We just had a great view of the harbor there and just everything around the pier. But just the fellowship there, just the realness of the sharing and having some really nice outings and Tom Dreesen coming in and talking to us at lunch. It was just incredible. And really just the whole experience of just being together as guys, just getting to go on the riverboat tour. And it’s just such a great experience just being together and enjoying each other’s company and seeing each other in person. We’re meeting virtually every week and that’s great, but just the chance to actually be together face to face and laugh and joke with each other and pray with each other or encourage each other. It’s just really inspiring. It’s become a highlight of my year. I can’t wait for the next one.

David Hirsch: Yeah. It’s really fun to get together. You sort of have an opinion about what somebody is like [00:14:00] when you’re on a Zoom screen week after week, month after month. And when you meet them for the first time, because there’s always first time meetings. Because just to emphasize, it’s not just the Tuesday night group, like you’re in. You’re getting to meet the guys in the Wednesday night group. And now it’s going to be dads in a handful of different MasterMind groups getting together. So there’s going to be the novelty of meeting people and sharing these experiences. So thanks for sharing yours.

David Hirsch: Regarding the financial commitment, the SFN MasterMind Group dads invest anywhere from $50 to $200 a month according to their financial wherewithal. What would you say to a dad who’s interested in the MasterMind Group concept but concerned about the financial commitment?

Matt Rehbein: I can understand that. As a middle aged younger guy trying to raise younger kids and you’ve got to watch your bottom line. But I’ll say too that it is worth every penny, I think. Yeah, I think it’s important to have some skin in the game. I think it’s important to have a stake in what’s happening. And when you think [00:15:00] about it in the grand scale of things, the amount of money you just mentioned, we’ll typically spend that much eating out every month. If you can set aside money for something like that, or paying for your cable bill or what have you, then I think it’s absolutely worth it. We’re paying it forward in a way. We’re contributing not just for our own sake, but for the sake of others who are coming into this.

Matt Rehbein: I’d like to think that we’re trying to start a movement here. And if we want to grow this network, I think we need to be not just receiving but giving back as well. I would say, don’t let that stop you from joining the experience because over time it’ll just become more gratifying to you to be able to make that financial commitment.

David Hirsch: Is there anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up?

Matt Rehbein: Yeah, I would just like to encourage anybody who is thinking about joining the group but is on the fence about it, I would say just try one time and let it happen. Just be willing to go in there and just feel free to be yourself. This is a place where [00:16:00] you might be able to find the kind of community that you’ve been looking for for a long time. Where else are you going to find a group of like-minded and like-hearted dads? And you’ll be surprised at, although everybody’s story is different, you’ll be surprised at how much we have in common in terms of some of the struggles we go through and how we manage those and also how we can encourage each other to move through those.

Matt Rehbein: I’ll say for me, it’s been over the past three years, it has been, if I had to name just one thing that has made the single biggest difference in my life, this would be it: joining a MasterMind group. What I would say is give it a try and let it happen. Just come to one meeting and just open yourself up to the experience and you will be glad that you did. You will open up a whole new world of opportunity for yourself.

David Hirsch: I think I heard what you said was sometimes we need to step outside our comfort zone and just seek information and fellowship. And I think that’s something that we [00:17:00] struggle with. So thank you for emphasizing that. If somebody wants to contact you, what’s the best way to do that?

Matt Rehbein: You can reach me by email at MatthewRehbein@ gmail. com. You can text me at 615-767-9218. And I’m also on LinkedIn as Matt Rehbein.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that in the show notes, so it’ll make it as easy as possible for somebody to follow up with you. Matt, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, Matt’s just one of the dads who’s agreed to be a SFN Mentor Father and who is in the SFN MasterMind Group. For more information on the Special Fathers Network and the MasterMind Group, please go to 21stCenturyDads.org. Additional links can be found in the show notes as well. Matt, thanks again.

Matt Rehbein: Yeah, thank you, David.