421 – Dan Roth of San Diego, CA A Human Resource Consultant, Professional Speaker & Father of Autistic Twins

Transcript:

When you communicate with your children, it creates a stronger bond

Dan Roth: This is about you and the person that you loved enough to spend your time with. So when you communicate with them, when you work together with them, when you share and are vulnerable with them, what you wind up finding is that it creates a stronger bond. But even more impactful than that, your kids are going to see that. Your kids are going to notice how mommy and daddy are communicating, and that in itself is going to make life a lot, easier.

David Hirsch: That’s our guest this week, Dan Roth, a seasoned human resource consultant, public speaker, and the father of twin six and a half year old girls who are both autistic. Dan has lots of interesting thoughts to share about fatherhood, and we’ll hear them on this special Father’s Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Dad to dad.

Dan Roth: you’re not on your own. We walk this road together, heart and home.

David Hirsch: Now say hello to the founder of the Special Fathers Network and host of the Dad to Dad Podcast, David Hirsch.

Special Fathers Network Data Dad Podcast hosts discuss new book and upcoming US tour

David Hirsch: Hi, I’m David Hirsch, host of the Special Fathers Network Data Dad Podcast. Two brief messages. First, I’m thrilled to announce our new book, Dads Raising Children with Special Needs and Disabilities. A Guide for 21st Century Dads is now available for pre order on, Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other sites. See the show notes for additional information and how to pre order. Second, the Special Fathers Network US tour will be taking place from May 21 to June 21, Father’s Day. The tour will start in Maui, then Anchorage, and then to Milwaukee and all around the US by RV to all 50 states. The purpose of the tour is to strengthen and grow the, Special Fathers Network and to promote the new book. We’re still looking at confirmed venues for the tour and we can use your help. For more information and see how you can help, please see the show notes or simply go to 21st centurydads.org.

David Hirsch: Now let’s listen into this conversation between Dan Roth and David Hirsch.

Dan Roth of San Diego is father of twin daughters with autism

David Hirsch: I’m thrilled to be talking today with Dan Roth of San Diego, who is a seasoned human resource consultant, professional speaker, and perhaps most importantly, father of twin girls, both with autism. Dan, thank you for taking the time to do an interview for the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast.

Dan Roth: Thank you for having me. it’s an honor and a privilege to be here and to talk to fellow dads. It’s rare we all get to partake in a space collectively where we could really focus in on what’s most important to us, but what nobody asks us about.

David Hirsch: True. You and your wife Jennifer have been married for eight years and are the proud parents of six and a half year old twin daughters, Hailey and Brooklyn with autism. Let’s start with some background. Where did you grow up? Tell me something about your family.

Dan Roth: So, thank you for the question. yes, I live in San Diego now, but I’m actually from New Jersey. I spent pretty much all of my formative years, growing up in Central Jersey. I grew up in a town called Warren Township, which is not too far from Short Hills. And I went to school at Monmouth University, which is this little school right off the Jersey Shore. And I grew up with a younger brother and then my parents. And something about my family growing up is that it was a very different dynamic. My father grew up very poor in Newark, and my mother came from a very lower to middle class upbringing. And my father wound up doing really well for himself just through pure hard work. And one of the things that he always instilled on us is to never forget where you came from. So from a very early age, we’re going to soup kitchens and we founded a synagogue in New Jersey. So it was a lot about giving back and recognizing what got you to the dance.

David Hirsch: Impressive. Thanks for sharing.

Your father went from owning a liquor store to banking to becoming a manager

Out of curiosity, what does your dad do for a living? Or is he still working?

Dan Roth: Actually, he’s in the same business you are. So my father went from owning a liquor store to banking to becoming a, manager for A.G. edwards Sons. He oversaw a ton of employees in the financial services industry. I just remember everybody loving to work for him. Things, I learned about as I got older, about what he would do, about the bonuses he would give out out of his own pocket. He was the primary male role model that I had growing up. And what a role model to have.

David Hirsch: Any important takeaways, thought or two that come to mind when you think about your dad. Lessons learned.

00:05:00

Dan Roth: I remember one specific instance. We were supposed to go on a synagogue trip to the local soup kitchen. And about two months beforehand, we wind up going over to the soup kitchen. And I remember being like 8 or 9 years old. and I’m looking at my dad, I said, why are we here? We’re going two months. And he told me, it’s the things that we do when nobody’s watching that make us who we are. And as I’ve gone through life, there are a lot of things that I could talk about that would shine a light on myself. But I didn’t do them for anybody else. I did them because they were the right thing to do and I did them for me. And the only reward I wanted was what I got with the look on people’s faces, sometimes not even knowing that I was responsible for it.

David Hirsch: You made reference to the fact you went to Monmouth University. my recollection was you took a degree in journalism briefly. Where did you. Where does your career take you?

Dan Roth: So it wasn’t by choice that I took a degree in journalism, which is funny. I actually went to school for business management. But without delving too deep into my own journey, I barely got into school. I was socially inept because my focus my entire life had been on academics and just getting through. I actually failed out of school and then fought to get back in, change my degree to journalism, graduated with a degree in journalism. But I couldn’t really hold down much work. So I worked in a little bit of radio, a little bit of tv, newspapers. I was always a writer, so I, was mainly a feature writer, so I did some of that. But I honestly mainly worked retail and odd jobs and customer service for the bulk majority of my career. And then, here’s an interesting thing for you. When I got to California for, I think the first year we were together, my wife took me to a Yankees Padres game. And I remember there was a guy behind me that we kept on talking, and afterwards he’s like, hey, I want to stay in contact. Here’s my information. So I wound up getting in contact with this guy and he’s like, look, we’re both from New York. I like who you are. I like your vibe. I have this friend that’s a big wig at espn, so I want to put him in contact with you. He’s like, I can’t guarantee anything that’s going to come of it, but I want to give you that connection. Awesome. You never see these things happen. So I wind up contacting this guy, and I did not go in nearly prepared enough. But basically what I got out of it was that there was an opportunity. However, in order to do the opportunity, I would make in 30, $40,000 a year, I’d have to basically chase jobs around the country. And it would be until I was 40, 45, until I. If I was. If I was good enough that I would wind up doing well enough to have a sustainable income. And I remember thinking to myself, I love writing, I love being in media. But I already had known that my girlfriend at the time would become my wife. It wasn’t something that the juice was worth the squeeze to me. It was more important to me to be in one place and not put my relationship at risk. even that early on. So I wound up not necessarily going into journalism, but I wound up going into these different jobs. I found myself at healthcare and then program, project management, took a job as a manager at a clinical trial institute, CRO, go through there, get called to Philadelphia on three hours notice to create an entire new division. So then I get to a point where they’re going through reorganization. I’m like, I can’t do this anymore. Well, at that time, and this is bringing this full circle, my mother in law was dealing with breast cancer. My grandmother had passed away from her battle of cancer. And then right after that was over, we said, okay, well we’re going to try to have kids and we get pregnant with the twins and my wife has hyperemesis, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia. Everybody that says you get sleep for that last nine months? No, I did not for that nine months. But what wound up happening is that it put me in a situation where here I am as this unemployed father of twins. What do I do? And last ditch effort, I turned to social media. I had never really focused on it before. I accepted

00:10:00

Dan Roth: my own neurodivergence and said, hey, my name’s Dan, I’m adhd. This is what I’m dealing with. I’m not going to hide it anymore. And that allowed me a freedom where I saw gaps in the content that was being developed and I was really one of the first ones, and I say this with no ego, first ones on LinkedIn, connecting job seekers, to recruiters through base post. And I did six months of work. I wound up gaining 1,000 followers per week, was recognized one of the top job search experts in the world. And anyway, that brings me into Amazon because now I’m a community builder. Now I’m doing all this kind of stuff. Best work of my life I did at Amazon. I was in charge of eight different projects. I was actually invited. So get this, I get laid off on January 20, 2023. In February 7, the Human Resource business partner of Amazon prime calls me up out of the blue and she’s like, hey Dan, I need you to come back and speak to senior leaders, about your role as an abolitionist. After I get let go, I come back and I’m speaking to senior leaders. So I went from this point where I had no idea what I was doing in my early 20s to my wife really being super instrumental. I mean she’s my hero, she’s my icon. and then I go through all this program management and it’s my kids as being the inspiration to doing all this crazy stuff. But then as I’m doing the best stuff in my life, that’s when it hits. So for the last three years has been this horrible but also incredibly rewarding cycle where I found myself desperate for money, not knowing what to do, but also looking at, well, how do I get back to being me so that I can once again? And a couple of things I realized is I’m great with strategy. Being neurodivergent gives you an access to hyperfocus, which is a huge, huge superpower that not enough people understand how to take advantage of. So through all this work, going through the highs and lows, and that’s when my children started school. And as you know, that sort of getting involved is where all this stuff took off. So even though I’ve been employed for three years, if you ask me, am I a better person now? Am I.

You went from zero to what some would consider the Mecca at Amazon

Am I more empowered now than I was before? I am the best version of myself now, not bringing in an income than I was three years ago after going from zero to what some would consider the Mecca.

David Hirsch: Very powerful. My way of capitalizing or paraphrasing what you’ve said is that you bumped around for a while, you had a significant experience, a, ah, transformative experience at Amazon, and then you’re leading a more authentic life today.

Dan Roth: Yeah.

David Hirsch: And it’s through the fire or through the challenges that you’ve sort of identified some of the strength, you know, from your story. And you’re in a much better place today. Springboard, if you will, for what’s to come.

You and Jennifer met online when you were thinking about moving to California

So, out of curiosity, how did you and, Jennifer meet?

Dan Roth: I never tell this story. honestly, we met online. I was not necessarily looking to find somebody, but I was thinking about moving out to California and I was looking for friends. And I just remember seeing her picture and being like, this girl is out of my league and she had sass, and I don’t think anything’s gonna come out of this, but I’m gonna shoot my shot. And. And I don’t know what gave me the cojones that day, because I don’t think I’ve had that much cojones since. But I shot my shot, and I’m so glad I did, because this woman, I mean, talk about somebody that fights for people’s rights. I was not an adult when I met her. I was an immature, reliant, needy kid. And part of the reason I came out to California is because I knew I needed to grow up and fall on my butt. And in spite of that, she stuck with me. So when I talk about everything I do, everything that I am is inspired by her. I mean that with every ounce of my being. Yeah.

David Hirsch: What a great testimony. Glad that you did have the courage to, get outside your comfort zone.

Dan Roth: Me too. I was in better shape back then, so that might have helped.

Both my daughters are on the spectrum. Brooklyn was diagnosed at age 3; Haley was not diagnosed

David Hirsch: so let’s, talk about, special needs from a father’s perspective. Prior to having children, did you or Jennifer have any connection to the world, Disability or special needs?

Dan Roth: Yeah. So I was a test tube baby. and what I mean by that was I was diagnosed with ADHD in 1989. Both my daughters are on the spectrum. Brooklyn was diagnosed at age 3. Haley was not diagnosed until last

00:15:00

Dan Roth: year. And that’s another thing that people often fail to realize. So the reason that she wasn’t diagnosed is because Brooklyn is more of a stereotypical what you think of when you think of autism. she’s not fully verbal. She’s twiddling her thumbs and having, sort of some meltdowns. Haley was always talkative. She was always able to connect with us on an emotional basis. So you don’t think that it’s the same thing. You just say, okay, well, maybe it’s adhd. So that went through, and then we finally were talking with the teachers and trying to figure out, well, what do we need to do? And that’s when we got tested through the school, through primary care, and through an outside body, and all three came to the same conclusion. So now both of my girls have individual education plans, IEPs. both the girls have 504s, and I sit, as the co chair for the community advisory committee on Special education for our district.

David Hirsch: Wow, that’s a lot to digest.

David Hirsch: We’ll be back with more of the conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast in just a few moments. But first, this quick message. Please help 21st Century Dads gather research on families raising children with special needs by having them complete the Special Fathers Network Early Intervention Parents survey. A link to the survey can be found in the show notes. As a token of our appreciation, each person, mom or dad, who completes the survey will receive a great dad coin. Thank you.

What have been some of the biggest challenges having two daughters on the spectrum

Now back to the conversation.

David Hirsch: Not to focus on the negative, but what, have been some of the biggest challenges having two daughters on the spectrum?

Dan Roth: The biggest challenge for me has been understanding my own neurodivergence and my ability to, to navigate myself and my daughters and figuring out how do I still maintain my sense of self and do what’s right by them.

David Hirsch: I’m thinking about supporting organizations and, what comes to mind as far as, organizations that the girls have benefited from or that you’ve benefited from as a family?

Dan Roth: We work with the regional center, which provides services like free camps and all different things. We work with Easter Seals, which allows us to work through in our insurance to get our daughter’s ABA therapy. Brooklyn’s, been an ABA therapy for the last three and a half years. Made huge strides with it. Haley, has been through that as well. There are organizations like the Autism Society, but they have different strengths depending on which location. We have a group called the Exceptional Family Resource center here in San Diego that has amazing support offerings and help with things like mediation. I would say the most critical to us has been the ABA therapy, and even that is a struggle, because you really have to advocate. The one thing I think people, if I could give anybody a tip, the one thing I think people don’t understand that it’s available or take advantage enough is respite care. So respite care for those that don’t know is they will actually allow somebody to come in and watch the kids so that you can either have a break or get things done around the house, so on and so forth. And everybody thinks of support being ABA and things like that. But there’s also support for the parents.

David Hirsch: I love it.

So I’m thinking about advice specifically for parents with special needs

So I’m thinking about advice specifically for parents, dads in particular, who find themselves, like you did, with a diagnosis. yours is autism, but it doesn’t have to necessarily be autism. What advice can you offer fathers?

Dan Roth: Talk to your wives. Talk to your spouses. The biggest problem that I see in the families that I work with is that there’s a very uneven distribution of emotional and mental labor when it comes to parenting in general. But even more focusing on parenting with special needs. Those feelings that you’ve been told to repress because of socioeconomic or gender norms or whatever the case may be, those are all fallacies. This is about you and the person that you loved enough to spend your time with. So when you communicate with them, when you work together with them, when you share and are vulnerable with them, what you wind up finding is that it creates a stronger bond. But even more impactful than that, your kids are going to see that. Your

00:20:00

Dan Roth: kids are going to notice how mommy and daddy are communicating. And that in itself is going to make life a lot, easier.

David Hirsch: Yep. Good advice. I’ve heard it phrased a little bit differently as it Relates to being a role model. You want to, love the mother of your children. Right. And that, in and of itself, you know, speaks volumes. It’s not just through the words, but through your actions.

You’ve agreed to be a mentor father for the Special Fathers Network

So spot, on. I’m thinking about being, a mentor father. And I’m sort of curious to know. Why is it you’ve agreed to be a mentor father as part of the Special Fathers Network?

Dan Roth: I have experience. Most don’t. I’ve grown up with this. I’ve seen this with my kids, and I got involved. I know what it’s like to feel like you have one foot out the door. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re in constant breakdown. I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed to the point where you don’t want to admit it, but you’re gonna go into your car or in the shower and cry because of that, I have the ability and the want to help other fathers. Because at the end of the day, for me, the only way that we can make all of this better is from rethinking how we parent and support our kids. And that starts with our fathers and our brothers, but. Yeah. You get what I’m saying?

David Hirsch: Absolutely. Well, we’re thrilled to have you as part of the network. Thank you for being involved.

Dan is one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network

I’m sort of curious to know if there’s anything else you’d like to say before we wrap up.

Dan Roth: So if anybody is interested, one of the big projects that I’ve been working on is a, project called the Manny Project. And what it is, it’s named after a student with cerebral palsy and autism at my daughter’s school. And he desperately needed an adaptive swing. And, we raised money. I raised money to get that first adaptive swing into a school last year. And then we realized, well, how can we make our district the most inclusive district in the state? So we expanded the Manny project to put adaptive swings and all 27 elementary schools that we have in our district. And then that’s phase one. And then phase two is to put things like toilet seat risers, which is hugely important for kids, sensory bags for our teachers, classrooms. We’re really trying to make this as inclusive as we possibly can. so that’s a huge source of pride, and it’s not cheap, especially with the budgets being cut for special education. So if you are somebody out there and you are interested in creating a similar program, or if you’re interested in donating to ours, please feel free to reach out. This is not a call for money. This is. Hey, there are ways that we could really create functional difference in our own communities, and this is one.

David Hirsch: Let’s give a special shout out to our mutual friend Rena Friedman Watts, who’s the host of the Better Call Daddy podcast for helping connect us.

Dan Roth: She’s amazing and as are you, sir. You know, I, I know that we’ve talked about this, and for those that are listening, there’s over 900 members in this network. Let’s grow to 10,000. So if you are somebody out there listening, I challenge you to share this with 5 people in your own network. And through doing that, let’s get this in front of a thousand more fathers and we could build it from there.

David Hirsch: Well, from your lips to God’s ears. Thank you for that. If, somebody wants to contact you, what’s the best way to do so?

Dan Roth: There’s a couple ways you could contact me through LinkedIn that will be. You’ll see the link below. If you are interested in having me speak, it’s bookdantospeakmail.com or Real Novel. Right. I am part, of a speaker bureau, gravity speakers. So there’s a whole bunch of different ways. And if you’re interested in having me come work for you, because they still need that part, just let me know. There’s a plethora of experience. And finally, to our fellow dads, if you are out there listening and thinking that, hey, he would never respond to my email. If you do have a question, if you do have a concern, if you do want to share or vent, please feel free to take my information down and reach out. I can’t promise I’ll get back to you immediately, but I will do my best to get back to you as soon as I possibly can. please know you are seen, you are heard, you are valued, and you listening here today is taking a step to supporting our children.

David Hirsch: I’ll be sure to include that information in the show notes. Thank you for making yourself available. Dan, thank you for your time and many insights. As a reminder, dad is just one of the dads who’s part of the Special Fathers Network,

00:25:00

David Hirsch: a mentoring program for fathers raising a child with special needs. If you’d like to be a mentor father or are seeking advice from a mentor father with a similar situation to your own, Please go to 21st centurydads.org thank you for listening to the latest episode of the Special Fathers Network dad at dad Podcast. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. As you’re probably know, the 21st century dad’s foundation is a 501c3 not for profit organization, which means we need your help to keep our content free to all concern. Would you please consider making a tax deductible contribution? I would really appreciate your support, Dan. Thanks again.

Dan Roth: Welcome dad to the dead.

David Hirsch: You’re not on your own.

Dan Roth: We walk this road together, heart and home.

David Hirsch: And thank you for listening to the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. The Special Fathers Network is a dad to dad mentoring program for fathers raising children with special needs. Through our personalized matching process, new fathers with special needs children match up with mentor fathers in a similar situation. It’s a great way for dads to support other dads. To find out more, go to 21st Century Dads.

David Hirsch: And if you’re a, dad looking for help or would like to offer help, we would be honored to have you join our closed Facebook group. Please go to facebook.com groups and search dad to dad. Lastly, we’re always looking to share interesting stories. If you’d like to share your story or know of a compelling story, please send an email to david@21stcenturydads.org the dad

David Hirsch: to dad Podcast theme was written and performed by Shane Madden. The show was produced by me, Tom Couch. Tune in again next week for another intriguing conversation on the Special Fathers Network Dad to Dad Podcast. Through every season, in every stride, great dads are present. 247-365-2-4736.

00:27:01